welcome?

It's been so long...not in time, but what I've gone through seems like lifetimes ago.

Pregnancy...not so bad. How could I complain? This is much worse. I'm happy, I love my boy, just the thought of him makes me giggle and cry at the same time. When he was in the car today screaming as I paid for parking outside the Dr's office, I was so happy I have a little baby, even if he was crying and I was exhausted! It was nice outside, but I owe more of it to love.

On the other hand, the diapers? Omg, I can't wait for that to slow down, but the thought of the next stage, the bigger poops, scares the crap outta me too. I try to stay in the moment, let the moments change instead.

How was I so naive about bf'ing?? Why didn't I take classes on this? I assumed it would be easy, or a skill that required practise, not theory. But had I thought it might divide me from my mom, my friends, my own ideas, I would have looked into it earlier. Why didn't I find a family doc sooner too? Why, why why? I wasn't ready I guess. But now it's here.

He's crying, having a tough time soothing himself in his bassinet when he realizes he's not in a swing or our arms. My nerves are frayed all day from trying to respond to him, pick him up, put him back down. I can't sleep like that, or it's only 4 minutes of sleep and then wham! Back awake!