SICK at work

So when I start a new job, which is often, I seem to find that the first week involves excruciating mental anxiety, but for the most part I am pretty content and feeling good. With time, about 1 month down the road, I start to get ill at work. Let's call it a mix of having a cold and having IBS (ugh, Irritable Bowel Syndrome need I point out). But then, I never get truly sick, as though I'm carrying around this half-hearted attempt and killing myself from the inside out.

So today is one of those days. Coincidentally these "symptoms" coincide with jobs where there is a high pretend quotient. In other words, very little happens, which makes for a dull girl. Is it the dissonance of wanting to work but having none? The guilt that I should be making a difference in life but instead I am wasting my life away sitting on my ass? I'm not sure, but I decided, after actually getting sick with gall bladder issues, that I would only work part time. This, I thought, would cure me as most of my week would be *not* spent wiling away the hours behind a screen.

But I'm still wiling away my hours behind a screen, this blog point in fact. I start with a coffee, thinking a little high will compensate for a wasted life, but this just makes my already wavering focus a little more wavery. Sometimes I think I need a second coffee (let's be honest, I'm into lattes not coffees, but you get the point). The second coffee usually induces an unpleasant physical reaction, so this is not the solution.

Is it quite possible that my mind, rebelling against all motivation I have to stay seated and waste my life paying off student loans little by little, is truly trying to kill me? I have to think yes. Because when I really start to consider it, life here is not much different from being on life support (oh it burns to say that knowing some people actually are), and me being a compassionate soul would want, instinctually, to do the right thing and put the girl (me) out of her misery. Yes, it's all relative to what is happening in your life, but to sit behind a desk without interaction, without a window, without so much as needing to stand for even one minute of the day, is my personal idea of Hell. Get a new job? I cannot say this changes from job to job, I have 1 good month then wham, straight to the pit.

Enough complaining.