Freaked out

I'm sorta freaking out tonight...a few things "wrong":

1. I was ready to quit teaching yoga on Sundays...after evaluating the identity I would like to have, and the values, priorities, ethics that go along with that, it seemed against this identity to decide to leave my "family" (consisting of seulement un) to go work on the weekend.
However, upon a message asking me to teach another day of the week, I got in a discussion about quitting Sundays. It turns out, after a couple of factors were unfolded (I will get help at reception, and I will be accompanied by a lovely teacher at the same time doing another class), I realized that I love teaching Sundays. Ah! I love the industrial studio on Sundays, next to McD's and Tim Horton's and hotels. I love getting a mocha with no lineups and slowly seeing the lovely students file in all groggy for a sunday stretch. Who knew?

Okay, all the above sounds good, but what of my identity, and why does this freak me out? Well, it means I said YES to another teaching gig on Monday nights, and I'm still doing Sundays. Am I greedy? What gives? I guess after realizing I can't give up Sundays, maybe I ought to give Mondays and crazy hot yoga in the evenings a try as well. Maybe I will grow to love it as well. Maybe not, but I'm scared of 50+ people waiting on me for Action Jackson 8pm on Monday nights.

2. After googling my name + yoga I found my anonymous blog (uh, this blog). I thought I was hidden away, but nope, there I was. I can't have crap I write easily accessible by family, friends, employers. Who writes personal thoughts and shares them? WTH? So I removed easily identifiable things like my name, photo, etc. But it seriously freaked me out. But why would anyone be so narcisistic as to actually google me? No wait, I'm narcissistic I think, to think that, right?

3. I'm scared I can't have a baby. Then I'm scared I can, but it's not the right time, especially when I'm committing to more yoga work and considering seriously (for the 5th time seriously, all other 4 considerations must have been not-serious?) buying a stupid car. I hate buying things, especially things that just take money and don't appreciate (well, I've never bought something that appreciates either, but if I had the choice...). No, I hate spending money. I'm so stubborn about using commonsense...I wish I was more naive, the world depends and loves naivete, it thrives on it, and they are HAPPIER! BOOOO!

4. I had bad dreams last night about friends from high school confessing that I was as psychotic as I remember being in high school, and how I hurt them, and how they hate me now. This might be from one friend not responding to my emails lately...or just the fact that I realize I'm psycho but it hurts to know that others know...either way, I've felt crazy and bad all day. Wish it was so easy to "forget it" or "move on"....see above for why I can't.

5. That's it, all my worries, in the blog, and like some magic spell, I'll hit "post" and it will all melt away...or why else would we blog at all? (back to number 3, part about narcisism, and no, I won't mispell it consistently).