Scared?

I haven't posted anything for awhile...maybe because my every thought and emotion is consumed by the fear around having the baby. It probably didn't help to dwell on it over the 8 days I was sick at home, watching "the Baby Story", "I didn't know I was Pregnant", "16 and Pregnant", etc, etc. But on the other hand, I know I'm avoiding some major fears, but I'm having a lot of trouble putting my finger on it.

One huge worry is my health. I know I'll recover from the childbirth, I know we'll both be healthy, but until then, I worry about having to take a day off, and I worry about baby/kid germs afterwards too. Seeing Ailish post on her Facebook about her kids who are sick vomitting with diarrhea certainly hasn't helped. I barely make it to the doctor when I'm sick due to long lines, outrageous conditions in the medi-clinics (dirty and unsanitary, rude staff), so it's hard to think of all the things I'll have to do afterwards like finding a family doctor for me and the babe.

In terms of my exercise, I feel like a big old bear sometimes, unable to do anything without some incontinence or that feeling of having to go, but not being able to. Jogging has become really uncomfortable. My jacket doesn't fit. I am scared to x-ski in case I fall. I don't want to swim because of my weak immune system and dry eyes...the list goes on. It's so hard to focus "on the positive" because frankly I don't see anything positive right now.

Going to the home of loved one but knowing they are smoking in the house (but opening the window, which has the effect of driving the smoke IN to the house) has caused more stress as I won't be leaving myself or the baby at their house if they're doing that. Seriously! I wish I was more like my cousin Jessica, able to shrug off difficulty so easily. Yet I read in a book that worrying is sometimes good for having a baby. But I am having trouble putting that worry into things I can fix, or even understand.

The only positive thigns are news I might have a ft job afterwards, and Justin could stay home for 3-6 months. but again, this scares me because I hate to put Justin in the position of running himself ragged once more. And I feel like a bad mom! And I'm not even a mom yet :(
Also, I've been doing a lot of baking/prep for baking. At least this is something I can "lose myself" in, and see a tangible outcome (well, for a while until it's all eaten up!).

With Justin home over the holidays, hopefully my mind is more at ease when we have cleaned up the baby's room, bought some 2nd hand stuff, and learned a little more about what we need for the baby. And starting our birthing classes should help too. In the meantime...stressball.