new lifestyle, new me???

I keep wishing for the body I used to have, the lifestyle I used to have...and I continually reassure myself that these changes are temporary. That delivering this baby will result in a reduction of crazy hormones (eventually, that might take another month), an increased immune system, and the freedom physically to move around, twist, sleep, etc.

What I haven't considered is that the person I used to be will forever be changed by these hormones and this body. I worry today that I might never want to wake up on a Saturday at 7am to go for a jog, or I might not want coffee again, that I might be too tired to join activities or see friends. It's hard for me not to dwell on the past, so I'm tightly holding on to it right now, thinking that nothing could be worse than not being able to have those things I just mentioned. It seems I should remind myself that at each point in my life, when things got "better", I had to let go of the things I thought I so thoroughly enjoyed. Some of those things now seem ridiculous, like drinking all night, working at the gym, old friendships... If I hadn't given up my addiction to the gym, with its rituals of post-gym lattes and brownies, writing in my journal, reflecting on life, etc, I never would have found yoga, a new body, a new lifestyle and all theh things I feel I'm giving up now.

Truly I have to realize that things are changing, and new loves will enter. Maybe I will become a 'walker' who loves to go walking with baby and will miss that someday. But meanwhile, I'm truly grieving those things I lost so quickly. There's this stagnant area right now where I've lost them, and nothing has replaced them. Between reading and crossword puzzles, I have a lot of time to mourn! On a positive note, painting ceramics with Bre last weekend was the best time I've had in so long that I felt old urges of addiction rising up, to capture that moment and never let go, or recreate it over and over. So there's hope that I can be happy, I just have to remember it won't come from a particular activity, drink, body size...it will come from happiness, from just loving the moment. This seems very impratical, but I can't sort out the specifics on what I mean right now.