can't do it

I can't believe how much I go from "can't do this" to "can do this". Back at 6 weeks PP in banff..."can't do this." The bottles, the pumping,  the cramped space, the lack of my mitts and toque, no stroller (in the trunk with J), the exhaustion. I feel so helpless and like everyone will just tell me to deal with it, that's life with kids. And those without don't care. Last night I told J that I fantasize about running away, which wasn't all too true, it was momentary, but at the moment, it was true. Or just disappearing somehow.
I find it hard to like brownbear at all in those times and afterwards. His cuteness wears off so quickly like getting a gift and having to pretend how much you love it for months on end like it was all new. I just don't appreciate him, I barely tolerate him. I feel like such a failure for J, who just wanted to give me something I thought I wanted, and now he's carrying the burden of it by having to do more night feedings, fretting over me. Last night he was running from me to the baby, both of us crying. Jeezus. I know other parents go through this, but they have no advice. You can't run away.