What do you want?

Deciding what to do with my life...still. One kid, two kids, ...three kids, four. Five kids, six kids, seven kids, no MORE???

Taking some therapy right now to get rid of that whole postpartum mommy angst I had for awhile. Not sure if I really need help right now, it's a little late, but I've been happier in the last few days then ever before, and the only real change as of late was going. Hmmm...

I'm supposed to identify some behaviour triggers. For example, I have a serious addiction to Starbucks. No, that's not related to being a mommy, I've had this before Chuck! But it seems to have gotten worse since he came along, obviously because of the need for caffeine, but also because starbucks is a grown-up soother for me. It`s a great habit, I think its worse than cigarettes in terms of `quitting`. Obviously it`s not as bad for my health though. I think talking about my Starbucks addiction is a perfect way for me to avoid the huge, big, bad issues that are actually what I need to sort out, and may never be able to "sort out". They're too huge. What to do with life, where to live, where to work, how to love and be loved...it's easier to talk about coffee.

Anyways, today was a good, happy-seeming day. I woke up, had a good sleep, had a happy baby, had a regular routine going. I had one thing in my day to worry about and that was meeting with a yoga studio owner to deliberate working there at godawful hours. Well, that turned out to be a great adventure for me and the babe, getting there, getting home, getting up and down stairs with a stroller. We did good. However, on the way home, I was SO happy that I NEEDED a starbucks coffee. I considered the no-starbucks route, as I had already visited Starbucks that day! Maybe my brain thinks, "oh, you must be happy because of the caffeine, therefore, more caffeine=more happy! It seems like the ultimate in attachment. I don't want the happiness to fade, and will do anything to hold on, even if it's in the form of the talisman that is a coffee to me.
 But when I thought of the taste of starbucks, of the level of caffeine that is just enough to maintain my high but not give me a headache, I had to have one. the same thing happened two days ago on the way home from therapy!! Where I had been saying how I felt strong enough to avoid giving in. I was so happy to feel strong that I celebrated with a coffee! WTF! I felt too alive and sure of life, that I needed something to keep my high.

The other behaviour is yelling at my wonderful J. There`s been some obvious triggers lately.

One is after a long day. Another is when I need to pump milk. Another is after I have started cleaning the house but not quite finished. My vulnerabilities are often when I`m hungry, tired, or I`ve had a cranky baby in the near past. It`s really not related to J at all, it`s all what`s happening with me.

Now, the OCD. I`m trying to think of triggers, and it`s hard. When I`m going to bed, but not overly tired. when I`m thinking that I need a lot of sleep and I`m worried I might not get enough. When I`m driving in the car somewhere, especially on highways or freeways. When Justin gets close to my face with his beard and I imagine the scratchiness of it on my face. I know, it`s all rather vague.

Working on it, even if it's one small thing.