And this makes me seriously consider packing up and moving to NYC.
Sometimes I forget that I live in Calgary, land of the Conservatives. Doing my job at the library, it should be blatant when I see that our main demographic in Cowtown is literally called "Pets &PC's" (PC=Conservatives or Republicans if you're a Yank). So why do I spend most of my days feeling guilty for being liberal in my approach to parenting, when it's obvious I'm a minority?? Coming here 11 years ago, I was at the most naive point in my life, but at least I had the objectivity to remember that I was different. That my best friends were gay, that I hated paying for a library card, that you were respecting at walk-in clinics, that people spoke easily to one another, waving on the sidewalk, making eye contact, using that famous Saskie self-deprecating humour...I know I have changed in 11 years, became more Conservative as product of my city's influence but also with age. But when I feel like I'm the ONLY one who isn't jubilant about breastfeeding and attachment parenting, watching a little SNL reminds me that other people DO live in small apartments (like we have for 10 years), not own cars, joke around at their own expense...enjoy life on different levels than most Pets &PCers. Thanks Seth.
On another note. About boobs. Hopefully I can get a large chunk of this out of my system.
1. I never had boobs. Back in early college, I wore all sorts of boobalicious bras to pretend. Then, at a later stage in college, I slowly transitioned away from any artificial boobalage and just went free. No bras. This continued until after baby was born. I couldn't and didn't want to relate to boobs. It was like the myth of penis envy. I don't have one, don't care about them. Why spend a minute more on the subject?
2. When brownbear came along, I had no idea how to handle boobs. None. I had one ratty sports bra. No button down shirts (they have never been flattering on my "silhouette"). I literally had to pull my bra up while jogging when I saw someone coming my way because they literally came out the top! I had no clue how to reign them in, and while it's a funny image, it wasn't fun for me. It was like waking up in someone else's body, a body that you were completely unprepared for and didn't want.
3. When breastfeeding wasn't working, I wanted SO bad to stop. Not because of the other problems (the thrush, the anxiety, the fatigue, the sense of impending doom), but because it wasn't right for me. I can wrestle with brownbear unlike other moms. I can be a goof, I can show him how to pitch a baseball. In short, I can do a lot of tomboy things. The fact that I struggled with my identity as Nurting Earth Goddess shouldn't be surprising to those who really know the "f-bombing, braless, Never-crosses-her-legs, Chews-with-her-mouth-open, Trys-to-Outrun/OutSwim/Outdo-Men" ME. Sure, I have some girl skills too, but boobs weren't in my repertoire. They weren't anything for me.
4. Last, the thing I want to say the most to people when I talk about that dark breastfeeding time in my life is this, but I can never say it since it is horribly taboo. I want to say "I had a bit of trouble breastfeeding, but mainly I didn't like it. It wasn't for me so I stopped." But instead it comes out all blubbery like "We both had thrush so it became painful, I needed to recover from surgery, so I pumped his milk for 10 months and took 16 pills a day to keep up the milk supply". Like I wished I could have nursed. I didn't want to! And when I tell people this, I get pity and "you were amazing to pump for that long". Gar! I want to say "I hated it! I hated that I was doing something "amazing" that I hated just for your sake, for the sake of people I don't know who make nasty comments on internet blogs!"
5. There are some people who will say it's all part of motherhood. But I disagree. Juts like saying this or that is critical to being a girl, we now live in a society where gender lines are blurred. Not everyone accepts these blurred boundaries so I should have been prepared for the backlash of not buying into one ideal image of being a mother. But I wasn't. I had no idea how accepting my mom friends were on gender issues and identity. I didn't poll them on their beliefs and understanding of bisexuality, or feelings on 2 men adopting a baby. So I became a "closet mother"? Then a woman like me bails on that duty of breastfeeding, it seems very telling how those friends would react to gender differences. They would hate it. They would hate me. So I feign Earth Momma..knowing that it is not me. That I never want to wear a bra, never want to use my boobs as nourishment, and yes, I'm still a girl.
6. Sigh.
7. One last thing. Like all 30something women in my generation, I am still (STILL!) struggling to find who I am. It's lame, but a fact. Our prolonged adolescence and post-adolescence has made it this way. And like most women, I did fantasize about wearing dangly feather earrings (I don't even have holes anymore), long skirts, and baby wraps, walking in the park all summer on Mat Leave breastfeeding my little baby. And when I think of another baby, that image comes to mind. Which is perfectly normal. Maybe when I'm 50 I will be that woman. But I am not her now. I'm more likely to have my baby in an outwards-facing (gasp) jogging stroller, doing pushups at the park while baby lays there entertaining himself.
In running shoes.
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