Updating old posts to bring closure

You may have noticed that I'm updating old posts today. This has been a long time coming. Not just updating, but reading them. I swore that I would write down every nasty thing I hated about being pregnant, then force myself to read it when I started to consider having another baby was a good idea. That time has come. I want another one, and I need to close off everything that happened during that pregnancy, birth and postpartum period. I need to move on. I wish, as my therapist suggested, that I could "rewrite" my story in a way that was positive and affirming. I cannot do this. I just can't. I'm not ready, but someday I hope I can, so I can stop being the victim. Maybe this is the other motivation to have a baby. It seems to be the only way to rewrite my experiences. I know this is a huge challenge, no one can say it will be easy or easier than before. But I missed out so much on that newborn stage, either from the trauma, depression, anxiety, meds, or physical problems. When I meet other people's babies, I feel like I never had my own. Or maybe it's just the clock ticking away... Just like a woman starts nesting when the time is right, I'm cleaning up and straightening out the emotions, photos, posts and issues in preparation for another baby. I don't even know if it will happen, but something has stirred in me to motivate me to do this. There will be a lot emotions involved, a LOT of anger, a LOT of sadness. The latest TIME magazine, breastfeeding cover has caused a lot of those same emotions. I hate to hear about breastfeeding, it literally accelerates my blood pressure! But I'm trying to deal. Trying.