An Outdoor Child

This Easter long weekend of 4 days was special this year as it was unseasonally warm for an early March Easter. We spent 8 hours a day outside digging what will be a low-maintenance vegetable and fruit garden.
I can honestly say that I have never seen my son show so much imagination, joy and contentment as he did spending 3 periods of over an hour outside per day in these 4 days.

He laid in the dirt and pretended to take a bath, then a nap, then would roll around and do something else that only he could understand. He took his dumptrucks over and around the newly created beds and pathways. He followed me to and from a dirt pile, counting "one, twoo, twoo!" with me (I said three instead of two!). He sat on the deck for snacks just sitting there quietly with a little smile, watching and taking in the sun, the birds, mommy and daddy. Sometimes he would just say "momma" and wait for me so he could give me a smile of pure joy. This from a child who I often describe as impatient, a little grump, a little crazy. No, he was Buddha this weekend, and it makes my heart sing.

This is what I was waiting for. Years of hauling compost around, making vegetables and wondering, "what is this all for if we don't have little ones to share it with?" and yearning for a baby. Then Baby came and it's felt like life went still, stagnated, became a whirl of plastics, weight-gain, darkness in many ways, sickness and fatigue. This sharing of joy, cuddles, and seeing my son suddenly know what joy can be found on Earth is what it was for. Is what my life was meant for as a being on Earth. It's wonderful.

We still deal with bedtime, fatigue, plastic toy gifts in overabundance and everything else we thought we'd never let happen or have happen, but there seems to be a spark now of something bigger, grander and special in it all. Thanks be to Gardens.

Escape from Calgary

I had a few dreams growing up.

1. Be in the Olympics for Softball.

2. Go to college in the States on a softball scholarship.

3. Live in Waskesiu one day.

4. Live in the mountains (I think I meant literally in a mountain, like a cave...but what can you expect from a prairie girl).

So 1 and 2 both faded away a long time ago. I am happy to say that a few girls we played against did end up achieving those dreams, and for some reason, that was totally sufficient for me, especially when team sports and softball had lost a big thrill for me in my late teens.

So number 3. I went there every summer, my husband went there, and now we all go there for a few days when we can each summer. There is something so attractive about Waskesiu. My first memories are always the town itself. Quaint wooden shops that allow a lazy day of shopping, without having too many to really call it shopping, yet enough that you are guaranteed to blend in if you want. Secondly, the weather. Yes, it's Northern Saskatchewan. So there are mosquitoes, but like the weather in Sask, there are definite seasons, and the mosquitoes have a peak then fade off around August. Of course, then comes the hornets, but again, a short time then gone. The marvellous thing about the weather is this. You have very little wind at all. Every morning is the most peaceful lake you have ever seen.

Every afternoon brings a wind, then more, then a huge thunderstorm that you can watch from a deck somewhere in town, or maybe from the beach house if you tempted fate. After the thunderstorm comes huge rays of sunlight and again, the peaceful lake, even the sounds of loons on most evenings. Because it is so far North, you get the Northern Lights in late summer.

The forest itself is mainly deciduous, but like most Canadian Shield forests, there are some beautiful mixed forests, and plenty of underbrush. Best of all, the forest still has wolves and bears. You can even go out on a wolf howl with Parks staff, trying to howl to the wolves and hear them howl back, in the middle of the night on a long road where you are never sure where you are. It's so thrilling.

We once went there for Amber's wedding and arrived at midnight exactly. Being seasoned Albertans now, we were getting ready to put on the jackets to get out of the car, but lo and behold, it was so warm and humid that none were needed. I miss that living in Calgary. And the air was so fragrant, yet also full of families up and down the cabin street still up visiting in the late summer night.

There is one laundromat, and one gas station. One fancy hotel, and one newer, fancier hotel, that luckily is just out of town not to ruin the town's flavour. There are definite locals, who seem a little spoiled, and a little snobby, and there are always the summer tourists, but after spending many summers in Banff on the weekend, they are nothing like those tourists. They are Saskies, drinking, partying, and gone by Monday.

I am never sure about living there though. The cabins aren't winterized, so no one can live there besides a few hotel and Parks staff. So you have to really be there all summer to get your "money's worth". The alternative is to have a cabin outside the town, but so much of my love lays with the town, with the people. Oh, I forgot to mention that there's even a theatre there. Just one theatre, literally, one screen. With newish movies. It's also quaint and perfect for some reason. There is one main ice cream place with people always sitting around it. All ages, teens, babies, the elderly.

Then there is the lake. the lake has water that seems to heal, at least for me. On the very rare days (about one in seven) that there is a wind, people gather to watch the exciting white caps on the lake. For Saskies, this is a rare event with water. But swimming in those waves is the most exhilirating experience in my life. It always seems as though the turbidity from the waves makes the water warmer, and I'm not the only one to claim that. We ponder whether it is more a result of the smaller difference between the air temperature and the water (since windy days are always cooler), or the actual waves. But nothing beats going in that lake on a typical hot prairie summer day, with the sand burning your feet as you run in to frigid water.

I think I will live there one day. Live might mean just the summer, but I love it so much. I'm a little scared that doing it will break the spell I've been under with Waskesiu my whole life, but I also feel I can't die having not tried.

5 weeks 3 days

Today I went to Dr. Nandi, the half-ass doctor downtown, in the sketchy mission medical clinic. They formally tested my pee, what little I could give, for a formal prognosis of pregnancy. I never thought I would allow this test, but after twice halfing bleeding, including last night, any confirmation of pregnancy was a relief. But it also freaked the hell out of me. I was terrified too.

Watched a ted talk on happiness from the one self, the experiencing self, and the other self, the recalling self. Would you go back and do a vacation based only on the experience, having amenesia and no photos? I wonder about the "trip" of pregnancy, not saying it has to top the radar. Also wondering about having kids, whether THIS is something that you experience as happiness, or if it is the promise of memories. I'm so embarassed to say it has mainly been the promise of memories, like I'm planning a freaking trip to Africa. How embarassing. But without knowing whether I will enjoy the experience, I can't say yet. I know I wanted the experience of being pregnant, as I desired the opportunity to indulge in yoga, sleep, healthy food, time with Justin.

In a similar vein, I'm really wanting to do yoga, even though the doc said to have bedrest. Unfortunately I won't follow that order, I will stay active, I know my body. Sex IS out of the question very, very sadly. Good thing Justin got hit in the nuts at soccer tonight.