Escape from Calgary

I had a few dreams growing up.

1. Be in the Olympics for Softball.

2. Go to college in the States on a softball scholarship.

3. Live in Waskesiu one day.

4. Live in the mountains (I think I meant literally in a mountain, like a cave...but what can you expect from a prairie girl).

So 1 and 2 both faded away a long time ago. I am happy to say that a few girls we played against did end up achieving those dreams, and for some reason, that was totally sufficient for me, especially when team sports and softball had lost a big thrill for me in my late teens.

So number 3. I went there every summer, my husband went there, and now we all go there for a few days when we can each summer. There is something so attractive about Waskesiu. My first memories are always the town itself. Quaint wooden shops that allow a lazy day of shopping, without having too many to really call it shopping, yet enough that you are guaranteed to blend in if you want. Secondly, the weather. Yes, it's Northern Saskatchewan. So there are mosquitoes, but like the weather in Sask, there are definite seasons, and the mosquitoes have a peak then fade off around August. Of course, then comes the hornets, but again, a short time then gone. The marvellous thing about the weather is this. You have very little wind at all. Every morning is the most peaceful lake you have ever seen.

Every afternoon brings a wind, then more, then a huge thunderstorm that you can watch from a deck somewhere in town, or maybe from the beach house if you tempted fate. After the thunderstorm comes huge rays of sunlight and again, the peaceful lake, even the sounds of loons on most evenings. Because it is so far North, you get the Northern Lights in late summer.

The forest itself is mainly deciduous, but like most Canadian Shield forests, there are some beautiful mixed forests, and plenty of underbrush. Best of all, the forest still has wolves and bears. You can even go out on a wolf howl with Parks staff, trying to howl to the wolves and hear them howl back, in the middle of the night on a long road where you are never sure where you are. It's so thrilling.

We once went there for Amber's wedding and arrived at midnight exactly. Being seasoned Albertans now, we were getting ready to put on the jackets to get out of the car, but lo and behold, it was so warm and humid that none were needed. I miss that living in Calgary. And the air was so fragrant, yet also full of families up and down the cabin street still up visiting in the late summer night.

There is one laundromat, and one gas station. One fancy hotel, and one newer, fancier hotel, that luckily is just out of town not to ruin the town's flavour. There are definite locals, who seem a little spoiled, and a little snobby, and there are always the summer tourists, but after spending many summers in Banff on the weekend, they are nothing like those tourists. They are Saskies, drinking, partying, and gone by Monday.

I am never sure about living there though. The cabins aren't winterized, so no one can live there besides a few hotel and Parks staff. So you have to really be there all summer to get your "money's worth". The alternative is to have a cabin outside the town, but so much of my love lays with the town, with the people. Oh, I forgot to mention that there's even a theatre there. Just one theatre, literally, one screen. With newish movies. It's also quaint and perfect for some reason. There is one main ice cream place with people always sitting around it. All ages, teens, babies, the elderly.

Then there is the lake. the lake has water that seems to heal, at least for me. On the very rare days (about one in seven) that there is a wind, people gather to watch the exciting white caps on the lake. For Saskies, this is a rare event with water. But swimming in those waves is the most exhilirating experience in my life. It always seems as though the turbidity from the waves makes the water warmer, and I'm not the only one to claim that. We ponder whether it is more a result of the smaller difference between the air temperature and the water (since windy days are always cooler), or the actual waves. But nothing beats going in that lake on a typical hot prairie summer day, with the sand burning your feet as you run in to frigid water.

I think I will live there one day. Live might mean just the summer, but I love it so much. I'm a little scared that doing it will break the spell I've been under with Waskesiu my whole life, but I also feel I can't die having not tried.

Reprieve from worry and family

I thought before I left that my stress and worry was at an all-time high. But of course, spending time with my quality stress family proved me wrong. No, there were no dramatics, nothing happened of any consequence. But my impatience, my aggression and my hostility, to mention a few, were at the forefront of my trip "back home." To have all my weaknesses spread out like a buffet for my dad to pounce and chew on definitely dampened any worries about babies. And having my young niece around, screaming, upset to be with anyone other than mama or dada definitely turned worries of not being able to conceive a baby into worries of having to take care of this baby.

While it is dad's birthday today, I can't help but allow childish stubborn tendencies to cloud any gifts of birthday greetings from me to him. He is so disatisfied with me as his offspring, but I don't think he sees these feelings. His own 94-year old mother cannot express her feelings, instead commenting how "everyone looks so happy" then later "everyone is so happy, but then it wears off, it diminishes". She was utterly projecting her feelings onto the Sunday afternoon crowd at the local small town Coop! And to expect my dad to express himself!

For me to detach myself from my dad's own disastisfaction, I have to detach myself from my father being my father at all, and everything that entails. What does it mean to have a father? What projections do I still carry out because of his hopes and dreams thrust onto me? I know it is inconceivable, but I return home thankful to be away from my family, to be away from their complete attachment to me. To how they define themselves relative to me. I see they also wish to get away from this, and sometimes I think they like to blame me for moving far away as a convenient place to criticize me from, but I think they would hate for me to be there, close to them, never allowing them to grow past "mom" and "dad". So that is my gift to you today dad. I am not there, you are not even there, travelling to your far away workplace in the small town. i give you the freedom to be anything you would like to be, to grow into any potential energy form you wish. Not to have me limit your growth, not expecting you to be anything more than another spirit disguised as a human for this short time on Earth. I let go of you dad, fly away! Oh, and I did refrain from eating that pie mom made so you could devour it in whole over this week, didn't I?!

wedding anticipation

J called to ask me my shoe size today in preps for skiing in Waskesiu during our wedding week. This made both of us SO excited as we really love to x-ski and just renting the boots made our simple hearts soar. We talked about reading in front of the fire, watching trashy tv to make up for a lack of television at home and of course, skiing.

We've booked an extra night at the hotel to keep us together after the wedding for as long as

Photo of waskesiu's trails from www.waskesiu.org website

possible. So we have the wedding on the 29th, then the 30th and New Years Eve at the hotel, hoepfully enjoying some groomed ski trails. We head back to Saskatoon on the 1st where we will help sort out the last details for the reception at the Western Development Museum Jan 2nd.

The dress is the saddest thing I've ever seen, but I realize the material, consumer world of finding happiness in "things", even a wedding dress, is full of disappointment. So I will do my best to shine from the inside that day, besides, Justin wouldn't notice if I walked down the aisle in my lulus I think.