Reprieve from worry and family

I thought before I left that my stress and worry was at an all-time high. But of course, spending time with my quality stress family proved me wrong. No, there were no dramatics, nothing happened of any consequence. But my impatience, my aggression and my hostility, to mention a few, were at the forefront of my trip "back home." To have all my weaknesses spread out like a buffet for my dad to pounce and chew on definitely dampened any worries about babies. And having my young niece around, screaming, upset to be with anyone other than mama or dada definitely turned worries of not being able to conceive a baby into worries of having to take care of this baby.

While it is dad's birthday today, I can't help but allow childish stubborn tendencies to cloud any gifts of birthday greetings from me to him. He is so disatisfied with me as his offspring, but I don't think he sees these feelings. His own 94-year old mother cannot express her feelings, instead commenting how "everyone looks so happy" then later "everyone is so happy, but then it wears off, it diminishes". She was utterly projecting her feelings onto the Sunday afternoon crowd at the local small town Coop! And to expect my dad to express himself!

For me to detach myself from my dad's own disastisfaction, I have to detach myself from my father being my father at all, and everything that entails. What does it mean to have a father? What projections do I still carry out because of his hopes and dreams thrust onto me? I know it is inconceivable, but I return home thankful to be away from my family, to be away from their complete attachment to me. To how they define themselves relative to me. I see they also wish to get away from this, and sometimes I think they like to blame me for moving far away as a convenient place to criticize me from, but I think they would hate for me to be there, close to them, never allowing them to grow past "mom" and "dad". So that is my gift to you today dad. I am not there, you are not even there, travelling to your far away workplace in the small town. i give you the freedom to be anything you would like to be, to grow into any potential energy form you wish. Not to have me limit your growth, not expecting you to be anything more than another spirit disguised as a human for this short time on Earth. I let go of you dad, fly away! Oh, and I did refrain from eating that pie mom made so you could devour it in whole over this week, didn't I?!