Livid

This morning there was blood, and I immediately went into a bit of shock. Am I having a miscarriage? Does it hurt? I was numb.
I didn't say anything until halfway to work and then I very abruptly and off-topic said "well, I'm worried that the blood this morning was not good. Not good at all."

There wasn't much J could do as we were riding bikes, which I think i wanted, as if he had hugged me, I might have started crying, and never made it in to work.

But now I don't know, but I no longer "feel" pregnant. It's like I convinced myself I was, and now I'm convinced I'm not. And while neither of these things are realistic, I was and maybe I still am, I think it stems from blaming myself for a possible loss. If I could cause everything from just thinking about it, that confirms to me that I am to blame for any loss. Huh?

Even though i immediately took the steps to accomodate a new life in my body, I feel now like I didn't do enough. I should have stopped everything risky at the start, before I knew. I should have this and that.

I just want to go home, test again, go pee, make sure there is no more blood, that it was "normal". I want a normal doctor, a regular walk-in clinic, I want to feel safe and in charge of my own health! I know I could handle this much better if I had the assurance of good doctors or midwives, etc. Going to the voodoo type walk ins downtown causes anxiety as I may as well being under an inquisition.