In a heavy weighted world, I still feel my brain is detached.
It's flying out there on its own, my limbs are seeking after it.
The heat at night makes me feel insane,
I twitch and turn and I can't get comfortable.
I wake in the morning and feel dense air around me.
The only way to break through the thickness of this world is with a fire, with anger, with impulse.
The train was late, then full, so I waited. No one moved for me so i moved them.
My teeth are hurting. I am grinding down my molars while I stand on the train. And while I sleep.
I laid on the bed half dressed for work. Pressing out small tears like a child trying to get out of school. But I am trying to get out of life. I don't wanna go. I can't handle one more minute alone in front of a computer screen, in front of a blank, white wall, closed in to my little cage all day. Alone here. Awaiting the moment I can leave to grit my teeth home on the train, to go to sleep and grind down my molars in anxious dreams.
The world is too heavy today. And my fire is too low to fight back today. it's heavy, and dark, and pressing me down.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Pull-Ups
I have started my quest to do pull-ups. Not for any particular reason.
After 2 sessions with Justin holding my legs and literally lifting me up and down, we have switched to a recommended schedule of doing 12 sets of ONE (!) with 45 seconds between "sets" (c'mon, you can't call one a set).
I am not particularly fond of this new Doing it all By Myself regime, but I couldn't stop giggling when people would walk through the park and see Justin grunting to lift me up and down, and literally, I wasn't even sore the next day because I didn't do anything. Pretty cute right?
Oh, we do them at the playground. This might help improve faster, as public embarassement is a good motivator. Sure we could get an indoor bar, and maybe we will in the fall, but to be honest, I like playing with my hubby at the playground woop woop.
So last night I think I did 10 sets of ONE. Yep. or one and a half, I don't get where to start counting, because I sort of jump to get up, hold then lower down. That didn't seem like enough so now I jump, hold, lower and go up once more. So maybe I did 12.
Either way, something was twitching in my forearm, seriously twitching. And I followed up with a healthy supper of cookies (at least I baked them myself) and popcorn with cinnamon and nutritional yeast. You can see I'm not really doing this for fitness' sake. just for fun?
After 2 sessions with Justin holding my legs and literally lifting me up and down, we have switched to a recommended schedule of doing 12 sets of ONE (!) with 45 seconds between "sets" (c'mon, you can't call one a set).
I am not particularly fond of this new Doing it all By Myself regime, but I couldn't stop giggling when people would walk through the park and see Justin grunting to lift me up and down, and literally, I wasn't even sore the next day because I didn't do anything. Pretty cute right?
Oh, we do them at the playground. This might help improve faster, as public embarassement is a good motivator. Sure we could get an indoor bar, and maybe we will in the fall, but to be honest, I like playing with my hubby at the playground woop woop.
So last night I think I did 10 sets of ONE. Yep. or one and a half, I don't get where to start counting, because I sort of jump to get up, hold then lower down. That didn't seem like enough so now I jump, hold, lower and go up once more. So maybe I did 12.
Either way, something was twitching in my forearm, seriously twitching. And I followed up with a healthy supper of cookies (at least I baked them myself) and popcorn with cinnamon and nutritional yeast. You can see I'm not really doing this for fitness' sake. just for fun?
Saturday, March 20, 2010
A new Place, a new Start?
Officially two late 20s couple is going to be moving from their very humble 1 bedroom apartment into the Hyatt of condos, at the end of July. This gives them approx 4 months (um, and counting!) to decide:
What goes
What stays
What is hideous
What is beautiful
What is affordable
What can wait
I can't think of any more categories, even if something is hideous, it might have to stay, while something that is beautiful might have to go (count of things I own that are beautiful is coming up to about 0).
We have a "flex" room, a very savvy marketing term to say that you could not afford a second bedroom (definition of a bedroom means that there is a window in that room) so you have this windowless, big-enough-for-a-bed but never going to be a true bedroom room. Hmm...the consensus out there is that one would never consider using this room for a wee one, but we are different. We go against this popular opinion, as well as the popular opinion that one should a. buy a house, b. buy a condo instead of a house because the house was too expensive and c. one must never raise a child in the inner city. So I'm having difficulties sharing the news of this place, (and when I say sharing,, I have to say it is more justifying or explaining, or backtracking) with most of our friendlies, because happen to be the popular opinion in most cases.
So amongst these categories (why waste any more time?).
GO:
Curtains I crappily hemmed, then added a craptacular draw to
the big ole nighstand/sock drawer that makes me feel like I'm drowning every night, it's looming presence standing over me
Cats???? Sid drives me nuts, but more so, I want a tranquil home, and I should have thought of this before, but I didn't, and I do love Fredcat. He is a child to us, we love him to death, but he was depressed when Garth died, then fat, then happy when we got Sid, but Sid is the problem. I am looking for a new home for them, but it would be so upsetting at times not to have a Fredcat drooling away on me after work, or purring me to better health when I'm sick or tired...but isnt' that what real children are for?
Broom...a new one would be good. What about the vacuum cleaner? Only one room has carpet, do we need UberVac for this one room? What about an area rug, how would be clean that without UberVac?
STAY:
the new and fabulous sectional couch from Urban Barn
the wedding gifted pots and pans from the aunts
plasma screen
Tree photos and 2 canvas photos Marian made from Justin's snapshots...I think J's should go in the flex room, and the trees in our entryway. And I would like to change these seasonally, at least once a year.
HIDEOUS:
The dresser Justin "restored" that belonged to his great granny. It's just so big!
The book shelf, an Ikea "original"
BEAUTIFUL:
Low storage options from a magazine cutout mom sent to me
AFFORDABLE:
Bar stools for the brek nook
New towels and such, girly girl things like this, so we can cash in wedding gifts from HBC
WAIT:
Babies...this is the saddest answer, i want a baby now, but there seems to be many expectations on us to wait so that future gramps and gran can come play at the new house. I give them one year.
A new kitchen table (can't decide if this should be a high, rectangular table, a high, bistro table, or a round boring low table, or anything at all frankly, which is why I say wait).
Furniture for said flex room...do we turn this into a bedroom, a transitional bedroom (hide-a-bed), or what?
A gorgeous coffee table
An extra chair
CAN'T DECIDE:
the current computer desk/Jackie's eating table
the old, broken down white piece of furniture Justin rescued from Eco
Craptacular kitchen stuff from the utensils, utensil holders, my mixmatched (well, on purpose) dishes, and every single crazy cooking tool we have accumulated (and love, we use them, but do we need them?)
Crock pot (that wasn't our purchase anyways)
The wittle IKEA stand our TV sits on...
What goes
What stays
What is hideous
What is beautiful
What is affordable
What can wait
I can't think of any more categories, even if something is hideous, it might have to stay, while something that is beautiful might have to go (count of things I own that are beautiful is coming up to about 0).
We have a "flex" room, a very savvy marketing term to say that you could not afford a second bedroom (definition of a bedroom means that there is a window in that room) so you have this windowless, big-enough-for-a-bed but never going to be a true bedroom room. Hmm...the consensus out there is that one would never consider using this room for a wee one, but we are different. We go against this popular opinion, as well as the popular opinion that one should a. buy a house, b. buy a condo instead of a house because the house was too expensive and c. one must never raise a child in the inner city. So I'm having difficulties sharing the news of this place, (and when I say sharing,, I have to say it is more justifying or explaining, or backtracking) with most of our friendlies, because happen to be the popular opinion in most cases.
So amongst these categories (why waste any more time?).
GO:
Curtains I crappily hemmed, then added a craptacular draw to
the big ole nighstand/sock drawer that makes me feel like I'm drowning every night, it's looming presence standing over me
Cats???? Sid drives me nuts, but more so, I want a tranquil home, and I should have thought of this before, but I didn't, and I do love Fredcat. He is a child to us, we love him to death, but he was depressed when Garth died, then fat, then happy when we got Sid, but Sid is the problem. I am looking for a new home for them, but it would be so upsetting at times not to have a Fredcat drooling away on me after work, or purring me to better health when I'm sick or tired...but isnt' that what real children are for?
Broom...a new one would be good. What about the vacuum cleaner? Only one room has carpet, do we need UberVac for this one room? What about an area rug, how would be clean that without UberVac?
STAY:
the new and fabulous sectional couch from Urban Barn
the wedding gifted pots and pans from the aunts
plasma screen
Tree photos and 2 canvas photos Marian made from Justin's snapshots...I think J's should go in the flex room, and the trees in our entryway. And I would like to change these seasonally, at least once a year.
HIDEOUS:
The dresser Justin "restored" that belonged to his great granny. It's just so big!
The book shelf, an Ikea "original"
BEAUTIFUL:
Low storage options from a magazine cutout mom sent to me
AFFORDABLE:
Bar stools for the brek nook
New towels and such, girly girl things like this, so we can cash in wedding gifts from HBC
WAIT:
Babies...this is the saddest answer, i want a baby now, but there seems to be many expectations on us to wait so that future gramps and gran can come play at the new house. I give them one year.
A new kitchen table (can't decide if this should be a high, rectangular table, a high, bistro table, or a round boring low table, or anything at all frankly, which is why I say wait).
Furniture for said flex room...do we turn this into a bedroom, a transitional bedroom (hide-a-bed), or what?
A gorgeous coffee table
An extra chair
CAN'T DECIDE:
the current computer desk/Jackie's eating table
the old, broken down white piece of furniture Justin rescued from Eco
Craptacular kitchen stuff from the utensils, utensil holders, my mixmatched (well, on purpose) dishes, and every single crazy cooking tool we have accumulated (and love, we use them, but do we need them?)
Crock pot (that wasn't our purchase anyways)
The wittle IKEA stand our TV sits on...
Sunday, January 10, 2010
$6 for my wedding ring
Six dollars....for my wedding ring,
People wonder, people cringe.
"It doesn't matter" is what they say,
But what they mean, is "not my way".
One day, I might want some bling,
But how does vanity, play into love?
Six dollars...it's from the mall,
It's light and wooden, in fact...there's no weight at all.
I'm not a queen, I need no treasures,
But I am rich, beyond measures.
My greatest pleasures,
Come from him, not a ring, not a rock.
Six dollars...it's so akward,
It's barely tangible, and it might break,
But things do break, things need fixing.
I hope my marriage, is like this ring,
Sometimes it needs work, it needs replacing.
People wonder, people cringe.
"It doesn't matter" is what they say,
But what they mean, is "not my way".
One day, I might want some bling,
But how does vanity, play into love?
Six dollars...it's from the mall,
It's light and wooden, in fact...there's no weight at all.
I'm not a queen, I need no treasures,
But I am rich, beyond measures.
My greatest pleasures,
Come from him, not a ring, not a rock.
Six dollars...it's so akward,
It's barely tangible, and it might break,
But things do break, things need fixing.
I hope my marriage, is like this ring,
Sometimes it needs work, it needs replacing.
Friday, January 8, 2010
10,000 years/hours of love to a task
Recently the topic of "expertise" has floated into my consciousness. Serendipitously, a yoga newsletter sent a quote my way today on this subject, coincidentally also a man I have recently been interested in -- Aristotle. "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."
On the way back from our most wonderful week of wedding festivities, I popped in some old hiphop music and the words "If you ain't got a skill or trade, shut the hell up" by Del came up. This got me musing whether I could develop a skill or trade, and then I got into the realm of how I might become an expert at that.
OF course, knowing the answers are always within me, on my lunch jog I started to contemplate pronation versus supination, the old running shoe dichotomy, and my mind related this to Paul Grilley's external/internal rotation of the femur dictating what we can or cannot do in yoga. Suddenly it occured to me, I might be an expert in jogging. With well over 10 years of experience, little to no ambition to make this a extrinsic achievement for myself (my racing days ended long ago seeing how it ruined the intrinsic value I felt), and loving jogging as though it could save my life, I realized I could say with full confidence that I am a jogging expert. Huh.
So if you want to learn to jog, and clearly I am not going to help anyone run a marathon, well, I'm one of the people who could help. And I do, I have a long-standing record of having each ex-boyfriend run a marathon, including my husband, but more in my style, he did a fun-run that was a half marathon distance. For this low-achieving, jogging girl, this was more acceptable:)
On the way back from our most wonderful week of wedding festivities, I popped in some old hiphop music and the words "If you ain't got a skill or trade, shut the hell up" by Del came up. This got me musing whether I could develop a skill or trade, and then I got into the realm of how I might become an expert at that.
OF course, knowing the answers are always within me, on my lunch jog I started to contemplate pronation versus supination, the old running shoe dichotomy, and my mind related this to Paul Grilley's external/internal rotation of the femur dictating what we can or cannot do in yoga. Suddenly it occured to me, I might be an expert in jogging. With well over 10 years of experience, little to no ambition to make this a extrinsic achievement for myself (my racing days ended long ago seeing how it ruined the intrinsic value I felt), and loving jogging as though it could save my life, I realized I could say with full confidence that I am a jogging expert. Huh.
So if you want to learn to jog, and clearly I am not going to help anyone run a marathon, well, I'm one of the people who could help. And I do, I have a long-standing record of having each ex-boyfriend run a marathon, including my husband, but more in my style, he did a fun-run that was a half marathon distance. For this low-achieving, jogging girl, this was more acceptable:)
Saturday, December 12, 2009
down and cold
While the apartment is extremely cold these days, my mood has become heavy, low and hard to budge out of this. In the past I might have devoted myself to a yoga class each day, but the cost and the low quality of the teachers at the studio these days has caused me to just sit at home, on the couch, under a blanket. Doing nothing.
It doesn't help the xmas party was last night, a few drinks and the next day my serotonin levels are swinging on empty.
Chinese food and documentaries. At least I'm just eating non-meat grease right? Right?
It doesn't help the xmas party was last night, a few drinks and the next day my serotonin levels are swinging on empty.
Chinese food and documentaries. At least I'm just eating non-meat grease right? Right?
Friday, December 4, 2009
and another thing....
that's J's television show name...if he had one. 2 guys sitting in chairs saying "and another thing..." and griping about life. Sounds good to me. He started a blog with this name I think, hard to know since he wanted to make a secret blog that I couldn't read to take vengeance on my blog that he can't read.
My mom is coming in today at 4pm, then flying out again at 1pm tomorrow. This stems from my wedding dress breakdown. Unfortunately, after a coworker felt sorry for me, I stepped up and dealt with it myself, getting her to take the dress back out an inch around my ribcage, as I couldn't breathe in the dress. I had thought I might be able to just breathe into my belly, but it is impossible not to use the ribcage, even with that intention. It was no big deal. The seamstress worries the dress will fall down, but I am okay with boobies exposed rather than fainting or ripping the dress in half.
So she comes to save me, after I've saved myself. It's so important to figure out how to deal with your problems on your own. J used to try and solve everything for me, we sometimes slip into that again. But he tries to let me find a way on my own. Mom forgets this important step sometimes.
And it's snowing, heavily. As in, it will take 40 minutes minimum to walk downtown to teach at noon. Oh well, I was going to be a lazy girl anyway. Last class downtown, and then I have to come up with something to tell them...will I continue teaching there, or drop all my classes? The hot studio never responded to my email and invoice. Oh, and another yoga teacher who owes me $130 apparently broke her knee (me and J suspect in a paranoid way that she actually broke it doing yoga!) and I am not certain I'll hear back from that invoice anytime soon either. Flaky yogis....
I taught last night, the registered class at small, incompetent studio that I've referred to before. A great class like last night makes me doubt so much quitting all the struggles of trying to gather people for a class. getting just 6 people to attend at times seems completely insurmountable, and then poof!! the library gets 20 daddies to come for daddies and babies storytime once a month at every branch in Calgary. Oh yeah, one is free.
Either way, last night was so fun because it was just us girls, and not the girls with the hot flashes. So I completely indulged in girly talk, from moon days (your period) to one girl asking me "so where is your wedding?" during a forward fold when I gently coaxed "are there any questions?" haha...I answered, but noted it was not quite what I was expecting as a yoga question. I used the Tibetan bells at the end of class, as I did for my other classes this week. I love doing something like that and asking "did anyone feel them?" and having a YES! We try so hard to get people to experience things in yoga, and when they do, it's like...well, it's like having my ego stoked! My teacher training, Indian teacher, told us that in the West, they try to stoke our egos as we have no confidance which is why we buy so much and put others down. In the East, they are always taking down egos. I believe it. So I'm not guilting myself, I'm using them today for the last noon class! On another guilty note, I think I forgot to include one person in my little gifts of candles and cards on Monday. The boss of the company. Do I bring him a late card today? Hmm...did he get a candle? It's so weird, I counted 3 times. How did I miss him?
Almost time to leave, maybe stop and buy a candle.
My mom is coming in today at 4pm, then flying out again at 1pm tomorrow. This stems from my wedding dress breakdown. Unfortunately, after a coworker felt sorry for me, I stepped up and dealt with it myself, getting her to take the dress back out an inch around my ribcage, as I couldn't breathe in the dress. I had thought I might be able to just breathe into my belly, but it is impossible not to use the ribcage, even with that intention. It was no big deal. The seamstress worries the dress will fall down, but I am okay with boobies exposed rather than fainting or ripping the dress in half.
So she comes to save me, after I've saved myself. It's so important to figure out how to deal with your problems on your own. J used to try and solve everything for me, we sometimes slip into that again. But he tries to let me find a way on my own. Mom forgets this important step sometimes.
And it's snowing, heavily. As in, it will take 40 minutes minimum to walk downtown to teach at noon. Oh well, I was going to be a lazy girl anyway. Last class downtown, and then I have to come up with something to tell them...will I continue teaching there, or drop all my classes? The hot studio never responded to my email and invoice. Oh, and another yoga teacher who owes me $130 apparently broke her knee (me and J suspect in a paranoid way that she actually broke it doing yoga!) and I am not certain I'll hear back from that invoice anytime soon either. Flaky yogis....
I taught last night, the registered class at small, incompetent studio that I've referred to before. A great class like last night makes me doubt so much quitting all the struggles of trying to gather people for a class. getting just 6 people to attend at times seems completely insurmountable, and then poof!! the library gets 20 daddies to come for daddies and babies storytime once a month at every branch in Calgary. Oh yeah, one is free.
Either way, last night was so fun because it was just us girls, and not the girls with the hot flashes. So I completely indulged in girly talk, from moon days (your period) to one girl asking me "so where is your wedding?" during a forward fold when I gently coaxed "are there any questions?" haha...I answered, but noted it was not quite what I was expecting as a yoga question. I used the Tibetan bells at the end of class, as I did for my other classes this week. I love doing something like that and asking "did anyone feel them?" and having a YES! We try so hard to get people to experience things in yoga, and when they do, it's like...well, it's like having my ego stoked! My teacher training, Indian teacher, told us that in the West, they try to stoke our egos as we have no confidance which is why we buy so much and put others down. In the East, they are always taking down egos. I believe it. So I'm not guilting myself, I'm using them today for the last noon class! On another guilty note, I think I forgot to include one person in my little gifts of candles and cards on Monday. The boss of the company. Do I bring him a late card today? Hmm...did he get a candle? It's so weird, I counted 3 times. How did I miss him?
Almost time to leave, maybe stop and buy a candle.
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