Last night I freaked on J to the extreme...it started with a blame game of 'you don't take me anywhere' then went to everything from his exercise plans to...everything basically. It was bad, real bad. I asked him to stay out of the bedroom so I could have space alone to sleep, I was too upset to calm down with him in the room. But of course he eventually came in to talk but then slept on the couch, guess he thought i was still mad. So around my pee break, this time 5:00am, I called out for him to come in, and he did. We cuddled and whispered, and all seemed well. Although we're both still hurt today, he feels awful, and so do I. I push away the only person who is actually helping me. Which makes me feel more lonely of course!
The weather isn't helping. We do have a bit of sun, but it's mainly overcast and hovering in the mid -20's. I have the option of going to a mall to walk around, but that seems so lonely. I tried it last week and it was exhausting, which is good in a way, but it doesn't hold ground against having spring come and being able to walk each day and grab a jo by myself. That wouldn't exhaust me, it would be good work. But in -25 C, I'm not walking anywhere.
Today I am getting my hair cut. This should perk me up as I'm feeling like the ugliest woman on earth. It makes sense since my whole body looks ridiculous, and the drab clothes don't do it any help. When I calm down and think that the baby could come anytime, it seems ridiculous to complain about this wait, but in my mind, I know the baby is going to bide his time and wait until the very end, so it makes 14-21 days feel like the longest period of my life, and rightly so. I'm sitting at home doing nothing! Even being sick seems better as I can sleep longer (well, maybe not, I'm probably exagerating that). I just want out of this, and my mind can't help me. In yoga they say to give it up, but I don't know where to go after giving up. Where would I send myself? I can't do 12 hours of yoga a day. Even a hobby, like knitting, would be silly as sitting on the couch doing ANYthing (even blogging) is annoying, as I don't want to sit here. I'm a horrible buddha.
I can't wait for the weather to warm up again. I need it, more than anything. Please god.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
One month left!
As I ran across 11th Avenue jaywalking to Sunterra this morning on my break, I realized I was almost full term, and still running to meet Justin for coffee. Of course, this came after an excruciating walk to work 2 hours earlier where I thought I might vomit or faint, holding Justin's hand as though it were my lifeline. But still, I'm not doing so badly!
Linda came over last night to consult about a painting for us. That's so exciting, both seeing her and talking about putting our beautiful photo of Waskesiu into a living painting by a friend. It will be hard to put up in the living room rather than our boy's room, but I'm sure it will be beautiful so I'll want to see it!
With one month left, that means I have only 13 shifts at the library left until June oh my! Which also means I need to use my time effectively (writing blog on break is okay though?). I'm really starting to appreciate that pregnancy is just year one of having kids, that it will be no harder or easier after this, just a different type of work. So I've been trying, with improved weather and moods lately, to just go with it, not to worry. I've really started to let go of Childless Me. Seeing photos of a former friend in Cuba didn't spur jealousy, but made me thankful I have this coming change, or that I've changed. I didn't pity her, I was happy she could enjoy her life, but that was never my life to begin with before this. So I start to see the divides clearly, rather than our commonalities, and then yearning for those commonalities that I miss, like the bikini body, the career, the travels. Instead I don't miss them and I see how this fork in the road is exactly what I've wanted all along, even though I'm complaining about it so much. I had to come this way, for it was the more difficult path and 'that has made all the difference'.
Linda came over last night to consult about a painting for us. That's so exciting, both seeing her and talking about putting our beautiful photo of Waskesiu into a living painting by a friend. It will be hard to put up in the living room rather than our boy's room, but I'm sure it will be beautiful so I'll want to see it!
With one month left, that means I have only 13 shifts at the library left until June oh my! Which also means I need to use my time effectively (writing blog on break is okay though?). I'm really starting to appreciate that pregnancy is just year one of having kids, that it will be no harder or easier after this, just a different type of work. So I've been trying, with improved weather and moods lately, to just go with it, not to worry. I've really started to let go of Childless Me. Seeing photos of a former friend in Cuba didn't spur jealousy, but made me thankful I have this coming change, or that I've changed. I didn't pity her, I was happy she could enjoy her life, but that was never my life to begin with before this. So I start to see the divides clearly, rather than our commonalities, and then yearning for those commonalities that I miss, like the bikini body, the career, the travels. Instead I don't miss them and I see how this fork in the road is exactly what I've wanted all along, even though I'm complaining about it so much. I had to come this way, for it was the more difficult path and 'that has made all the difference'.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Reasons to be Grateful
1. It's a beautiful, balmy day outside, with the bright sky and sun shining brighter than we've seen in months now.
2. I don't have any problems with my hips from being pregnant.
3. I can breathe through my nose almost constantly (the stuffiness DID go away)
4. I have a loving, adorable husband who loves me
5. I have a permanent place to live in the midst of the most beautiful part of my city
6. I have a job with a great boss and coworkers who care about me
7. I will jog again, and swim, and do yoga, no matter how hopeless it seems now
8. I can go to the mountains and get away on any weekend because of my life (have the time, a car, a partner)
9. I have parents who are financially set for life, who would do anything for me
10. When I feel good, I feel like myself, which leads me to believe happiness is my true character. When I'm miserable, I feel disconnected from my spirit and body, letting me know it isn't in my true character to suffer.
2. I don't have any problems with my hips from being pregnant.
3. I can breathe through my nose almost constantly (the stuffiness DID go away)
4. I have a loving, adorable husband who loves me
5. I have a permanent place to live in the midst of the most beautiful part of my city
6. I have a job with a great boss and coworkers who care about me
7. I will jog again, and swim, and do yoga, no matter how hopeless it seems now
8. I can go to the mountains and get away on any weekend because of my life (have the time, a car, a partner)
9. I have parents who are financially set for life, who would do anything for me
10. When I feel good, I feel like myself, which leads me to believe happiness is my true character. When I'm miserable, I feel disconnected from my spirit and body, letting me know it isn't in my true character to suffer.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Nostalgic today
Last night I dreamt that instead of having my dear Charlie baby, I had quintuplets instead. When I went to work, Kathryn kept asking if I was okay, seeing I was visibly shaken, and I didn't know what to say. No one would believe me, and all 5 babies were boys, and I was totally overwhelmed. I woke up unable to sleep, which isn't new these days, and then I annoyed Justin until he couldn't sleep. But then I was very teary and emotional that he was annoyed by me, when he took the day off yesterday for chlorine in his nose from swimming, when I have legitimate baby-related insomnia and would like a little back rub or somein somein.
Anyways, this morning is shaping up to a morning of strange nostalgia, like spring memories, memories of reffing basketball, of vacation time...all sorts of fluffy good things. I'm hoping it's my mommy brain finally kicking in to give me good vibes.
I should record the last books I've read, since it's my number one hobby these days. I read Hunger Games, wasn't too impressed. The Book of Negroes was fantastic and enthralling, and then Lullabies for Little Children, which I read quickly, but I'm not sure if that was due to it's virtue or my own need for extreme distraction right now. It was a good read about Montreal at least (oh, now I'm all warm and fuzzy for montreal too!).
The whole swimming thing went really well considering I had so many objections to the idea of it. I can still swim quite well, and would have got a good workout if it wasn't for Justin's stop-starts and the busy lane. But overall I'm glad i took it easy and yes, I looked adorable, or grotesque, in my bikini.
We are taking photos this Sunday which is exciting, and the forecast is for like 10C, so I can't complain.
Anyways, this morning is shaping up to a morning of strange nostalgia, like spring memories, memories of reffing basketball, of vacation time...all sorts of fluffy good things. I'm hoping it's my mommy brain finally kicking in to give me good vibes.
I should record the last books I've read, since it's my number one hobby these days. I read Hunger Games, wasn't too impressed. The Book of Negroes was fantastic and enthralling, and then Lullabies for Little Children, which I read quickly, but I'm not sure if that was due to it's virtue or my own need for extreme distraction right now. It was a good read about Montreal at least (oh, now I'm all warm and fuzzy for montreal too!).
The whole swimming thing went really well considering I had so many objections to the idea of it. I can still swim quite well, and would have got a good workout if it wasn't for Justin's stop-starts and the busy lane. But overall I'm glad i took it easy and yes, I looked adorable, or grotesque, in my bikini.
We are taking photos this Sunday which is exciting, and the forecast is for like 10C, so I can't complain.
Friday, January 14, 2011
new lifestyle, new me???
I keep wishing for the body I used to have, the lifestyle I used to have...and I continually reassure myself that these changes are temporary. That delivering this baby will result in a reduction of crazy hormones (eventually, that might take another month), an increased immune system, and the freedom physically to move around, twist, sleep, etc.
What I haven't considered is that the person I used to be will forever be changed by these hormones and this body. I worry today that I might never want to wake up on a Saturday at 7am to go for a jog, or I might not want coffee again, that I might be too tired to join activities or see friends. It's hard for me not to dwell on the past, so I'm tightly holding on to it right now, thinking that nothing could be worse than not being able to have those things I just mentioned. It seems I should remind myself that at each point in my life, when things got "better", I had to let go of the things I thought I so thoroughly enjoyed. Some of those things now seem ridiculous, like drinking all night, working at the gym, old friendships... If I hadn't given up my addiction to the gym, with its rituals of post-gym lattes and brownies, writing in my journal, reflecting on life, etc, I never would have found yoga, a new body, a new lifestyle and all theh things I feel I'm giving up now.
Truly I have to realize that things are changing, and new loves will enter. Maybe I will become a 'walker' who loves to go walking with baby and will miss that someday. But meanwhile, I'm truly grieving those things I lost so quickly. There's this stagnant area right now where I've lost them, and nothing has replaced them. Between reading and crossword puzzles, I have a lot of time to mourn! On a positive note, painting ceramics with Bre last weekend was the best time I've had in so long that I felt old urges of addiction rising up, to capture that moment and never let go, or recreate it over and over. So there's hope that I can be happy, I just have to remember it won't come from a particular activity, drink, body size...it will come from happiness, from just loving the moment. This seems very impratical, but I can't sort out the specifics on what I mean right now.
What I haven't considered is that the person I used to be will forever be changed by these hormones and this body. I worry today that I might never want to wake up on a Saturday at 7am to go for a jog, or I might not want coffee again, that I might be too tired to join activities or see friends. It's hard for me not to dwell on the past, so I'm tightly holding on to it right now, thinking that nothing could be worse than not being able to have those things I just mentioned. It seems I should remind myself that at each point in my life, when things got "better", I had to let go of the things I thought I so thoroughly enjoyed. Some of those things now seem ridiculous, like drinking all night, working at the gym, old friendships... If I hadn't given up my addiction to the gym, with its rituals of post-gym lattes and brownies, writing in my journal, reflecting on life, etc, I never would have found yoga, a new body, a new lifestyle and all theh things I feel I'm giving up now.
Truly I have to realize that things are changing, and new loves will enter. Maybe I will become a 'walker' who loves to go walking with baby and will miss that someday. But meanwhile, I'm truly grieving those things I lost so quickly. There's this stagnant area right now where I've lost them, and nothing has replaced them. Between reading and crossword puzzles, I have a lot of time to mourn! On a positive note, painting ceramics with Bre last weekend was the best time I've had in so long that I felt old urges of addiction rising up, to capture that moment and never let go, or recreate it over and over. So there's hope that I can be happy, I just have to remember it won't come from a particular activity, drink, body size...it will come from happiness, from just loving the moment. This seems very impratical, but I can't sort out the specifics on what I mean right now.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Anniversary Number One
Yesterday was our one year anniversary. I'd like to pretend it was a great day, just like the original day, but I cannot lie to you, my devoted blog page. My mom actually reminded me that the day was nigh, and I made a point of mentioning it in yet another fit-o-rage to J, thus concreting our ability to remember at all!
It was -17 yesterday, no sun. I went in to work, at least feeling great for once, and my dearest J drove me in the morning. He spent the day sneezing at home and watching mobster movie marathons, while I spent the day fiddling with population projections and googling more baby stuff to freak myself out. After work, at the honest hour of 3:45pm, J picked me up in Jigs and we went to pick up our wedding print. Only one year behind, but at least it coincided with the idea that a One Year gift is paper/photo frame. Traffic was great since few people work over this week.
We spent some time at London Drugs with the photo, as they had to do a reprint to get the contrast softer, then we hopped over to Indigo books to grab 2 New York Times crossword puzzle books, more to the occasion of "Paper" gifts. Then we went to Earls, courtesy of J's mom's Xmas gift to us, and had two greasy non-vegetarian meals of Fish & Chips (me) and Huge Burger and mushroom soup (J). No dessert for this fat girl, but we did enjoy Cokes and Shirley Temples with our meals. I'll let you figure out who had what there.
We came home and watched a brand new show on tv called Addiction showcasing weird addicitions. That episode was on a woman eating tp, another sleeping with her blowdryer, etc etc. But we also sat on the chaisse together, as J is aiming to break it in, and we did more crosswording than tv-watching. The "easy" book we bought was still difficult and we cheated considerably.
Besides a big bath for me (J had already taken one by himself that day) and a phone call from Momma Smale, the day was uneventful. J finished his book on Pat Tileman (sp) and I almost got to the end of Water for Elephants.
I woke up at a decent hour of 6am intead of 4am for my pee-break, and we had some good snuggling before having to get up so I could drag myself in for another day of slacking.
I hope one day we can read back over all the anniversaries and I will be less bitter about the pregnancy. Maybe we'll do it while sipping martinis in Mexico some day? Um, I'm not kidding. It would make up for a non-tropical wedding if we could do the majority of our anniversaries in a tropical setting n'est-ce pas?
It was -17 yesterday, no sun. I went in to work, at least feeling great for once, and my dearest J drove me in the morning. He spent the day sneezing at home and watching mobster movie marathons, while I spent the day fiddling with population projections and googling more baby stuff to freak myself out. After work, at the honest hour of 3:45pm, J picked me up in Jigs and we went to pick up our wedding print. Only one year behind, but at least it coincided with the idea that a One Year gift is paper/photo frame. Traffic was great since few people work over this week.
We spent some time at London Drugs with the photo, as they had to do a reprint to get the contrast softer, then we hopped over to Indigo books to grab 2 New York Times crossword puzzle books, more to the occasion of "Paper" gifts. Then we went to Earls, courtesy of J's mom's Xmas gift to us, and had two greasy non-vegetarian meals of Fish & Chips (me) and Huge Burger and mushroom soup (J). No dessert for this fat girl, but we did enjoy Cokes and Shirley Temples with our meals. I'll let you figure out who had what there.
We came home and watched a brand new show on tv called Addiction showcasing weird addicitions. That episode was on a woman eating tp, another sleeping with her blowdryer, etc etc. But we also sat on the chaisse together, as J is aiming to break it in, and we did more crosswording than tv-watching. The "easy" book we bought was still difficult and we cheated considerably.
Besides a big bath for me (J had already taken one by himself that day) and a phone call from Momma Smale, the day was uneventful. J finished his book on Pat Tileman (sp) and I almost got to the end of Water for Elephants.
I woke up at a decent hour of 6am intead of 4am for my pee-break, and we had some good snuggling before having to get up so I could drag myself in for another day of slacking.
I hope one day we can read back over all the anniversaries and I will be less bitter about the pregnancy. Maybe we'll do it while sipping martinis in Mexico some day? Um, I'm not kidding. It would make up for a non-tropical wedding if we could do the majority of our anniversaries in a tropical setting n'est-ce pas?
Monday, December 20, 2010
Caution!
Hey little boy,
It's hard to dispense advice, because it's usually useless. The 'head fake' strategy that "the Last Lecture" guy (google him!) gave is a better tactic, but I don't have the energy to manipulate my advice into an interesting story.
My advice is that when you're all grown up, married and planning a family, please set aside money for your wife/gf/common-in-law so she doesn't feel she has to work through her pregnancy. Of course, this fund is also called an emergency fund, and is used throughout your life for all sorts of not-being-able-to-work situations, but I think the problem is that you wouldn't consider pregnancy an emergency. I'll bet you marry someone who doesn't have this issue, or you live somewhere like Hawaii where no one gets sick, but right now, if I knew I could take 2 weeks to recover from Christmas/a minor cold, I would. But I can't put that weight on your pops. Don't worry, he's been doing all our cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, but I can't ask more of him in this way.
I hope you have a life where money isn't such an impediment to happiness. Or health. I hope you are so strong whether that means athletic, or strong mentally so you don't have stress killing you like it does me. And I hope you never feel bound to stay somewhere if you're unhappy, even if I beg you to stay.
Back to my advice, I get a little mushy sometimes. Joint bank account, and tell her you put aside this much for her. Do it as a surprise (set up a different account obviously). Think of it like an engagement ring fund, but one that will actually make her feel cared for and supported, rather than superficially above her friend with this or that diamond. Seems smart to me, doubt your gf/wife will understand.
It's hard to dispense advice, because it's usually useless. The 'head fake' strategy that "the Last Lecture" guy (google him!) gave is a better tactic, but I don't have the energy to manipulate my advice into an interesting story.
My advice is that when you're all grown up, married and planning a family, please set aside money for your wife/gf/common-in-law so she doesn't feel she has to work through her pregnancy. Of course, this fund is also called an emergency fund, and is used throughout your life for all sorts of not-being-able-to-work situations, but I think the problem is that you wouldn't consider pregnancy an emergency. I'll bet you marry someone who doesn't have this issue, or you live somewhere like Hawaii where no one gets sick, but right now, if I knew I could take 2 weeks to recover from Christmas/a minor cold, I would. But I can't put that weight on your pops. Don't worry, he's been doing all our cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, but I can't ask more of him in this way.
I hope you have a life where money isn't such an impediment to happiness. Or health. I hope you are so strong whether that means athletic, or strong mentally so you don't have stress killing you like it does me. And I hope you never feel bound to stay somewhere if you're unhappy, even if I beg you to stay.
Back to my advice, I get a little mushy sometimes. Joint bank account, and tell her you put aside this much for her. Do it as a surprise (set up a different account obviously). Think of it like an engagement ring fund, but one that will actually make her feel cared for and supported, rather than superficially above her friend with this or that diamond. Seems smart to me, doubt your gf/wife will understand.
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