I keep getting this question, and it makes me ponder whether I am.
I'm not stressed out, but it's hard to tell people that I just really, really, detest my job. Feeling absolutely useless might lend the appearance of being stressed, but that's an easy out as opposed to telling people the truth.
It's hard to stay in a job you hate, when there are other jobs out there, but it isn't a good time to leave.
I suppose I could rearrange my life, the yoga, the part time luxuries, the classes, the location, the proximity to my dahling J. It's not difficult, just hard to weigh as heavier than my current situation, which is appearing stressed out, but really just feeling useless.
onward...
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
keeps me searching
i love sleeping in with J, even for 5 minutes. falling back asleep next to the person you love is too easy...so safe, warm, secure there beside him. sometimes i do a child's pose with my bum on my heels, head on the mattress, thinking blood to my head will help wake me up. It doesn't. I fall asleep like that.
He gets up to revive me with the smell of toast (i have told him that smell always makes me want to get up)...even that is hard, but i follow him out there, shuffling in my mocassins. He says i'm so cute when i'm tired and comes to hug me like i'm a child. i try to keep walking, so we do a walking hug, him giggling at me, me trying not to laugh.
then i complain that there is too much pb on my pb and banana. So he takes what i scrape off.
by the time i'm "awake" i'm usuallyl complaining about other things, but he thinks it is cute. That makes me smile and i lower my head so he can't see. but he knows.
He gets up to revive me with the smell of toast (i have told him that smell always makes me want to get up)...even that is hard, but i follow him out there, shuffling in my mocassins. He says i'm so cute when i'm tired and comes to hug me like i'm a child. i try to keep walking, so we do a walking hug, him giggling at me, me trying not to laugh.
then i complain that there is too much pb on my pb and banana. So he takes what i scrape off.
by the time i'm "awake" i'm usuallyl complaining about other things, but he thinks it is cute. That makes me smile and i lower my head so he can't see. but he knows.
Monday, April 5, 2010
The world post-coffee
So much better.
J's mom came in this weekend, dropped off the sis, then made her way to BC for some hot springing and lovin! However, our weekend became strange after we gave our dear cats away to a loving family with a 5000 sq ft, beautiful, home in the NW. Upon return, we bawled our eyes out, and grudgingly went for dinner with RandSand and Sister. I felt everyone was drinking too much, it seemed crazy, but it actually did help with the grief to be drinking and laughing with family (mainly the laughing I think!).
Last night momma came back in, but it became an ugly event when I had to set the facts straight on hunting. I don't have a thing against hunters, I have a thing against hunting. If we discuss hunting, I gots to be honest, hunters, well, that's there beef, I ain't no angel either. Again too much drinking, this time it seemed one-sided, not sure why momma's got to drink so much. It doesn't seem like a Good Time to me, seems juvenile, and selfish in the wrong way (unlike going for a walk to unwind alone, which seems like selfishness in the best way).
Ilove you J. I don't know how to express this sometimes. Words lose meaning. Even pinning it down to this or that seems shallow. I cannot describe sometimes the reason I love you, but I think a lot of it is having a best friend. But again, describing that is hard as well. Friendship. Love. Friends. Lovers. What does this mean to me?
Work is horrible today, the coffee made it better. I want out of here, I spend too long looking at other lives thinking they are better. They are not. I feel useless, no one can help me with that. Anyways, I look forward to my jog at lunch, as time without windows is time on standstill.
J's mom came in this weekend, dropped off the sis, then made her way to BC for some hot springing and lovin! However, our weekend became strange after we gave our dear cats away to a loving family with a 5000 sq ft, beautiful, home in the NW. Upon return, we bawled our eyes out, and grudgingly went for dinner with RandSand and Sister. I felt everyone was drinking too much, it seemed crazy, but it actually did help with the grief to be drinking and laughing with family (mainly the laughing I think!).
Last night momma came back in, but it became an ugly event when I had to set the facts straight on hunting. I don't have a thing against hunters, I have a thing against hunting. If we discuss hunting, I gots to be honest, hunters, well, that's there beef, I ain't no angel either. Again too much drinking, this time it seemed one-sided, not sure why momma's got to drink so much. It doesn't seem like a Good Time to me, seems juvenile, and selfish in the wrong way (unlike going for a walk to unwind alone, which seems like selfishness in the best way).
Ilove you J. I don't know how to express this sometimes. Words lose meaning. Even pinning it down to this or that seems shallow. I cannot describe sometimes the reason I love you, but I think a lot of it is having a best friend. But again, describing that is hard as well. Friendship. Love. Friends. Lovers. What does this mean to me?
Work is horrible today, the coffee made it better. I want out of here, I spend too long looking at other lives thinking they are better. They are not. I feel useless, no one can help me with that. Anyways, I look forward to my jog at lunch, as time without windows is time on standstill.
cannot supress it
I cannot supress this desire to take care of some small person.
No fancy car, fancy house, or high rise condo seems to change this.
I want a small, helpless cuddly bundle of joy.
Is it another accessory, a cat or designer dog, to make me look chic?
Desires to be a mommy. To have a family. My own.
him for his silly boyhood dream of being a strong hero of citizens? Is he doing it for others, or for himself?
I cannot supress the urge, nor fill my life with stuff to overcome it. It is not a disease or disorder like every other urge in the world today, it is simply my life being driven by that animal inside. Prozac or vacations to Mexico...would those help me? Who is being suppressed, who is being compressed? Am I suppressing my own life for this other desire? Who am I fighting against? Who is trying to put me into a box of a life, where everything should neatly fit and be in order, this then that, then car then kid then retirement?
What can i do? I don't even like babies, or diapers or soft toys and Disney movies. But i want a child. I want to reproduce. What truest pursuit can I go after, yet this is mocked and seen as silly. I would rather play sports than dress a dolly, but yet this female person inside me knows more than that, she wants it, and I must answer that call.
Those who were called but could not deliver, for lack of money, health, who knows? What did they do? Did they carry on happily? Were they okay? I don't know.
No fancy car, fancy house, or high rise condo seems to change this.
I want a small, helpless cuddly bundle of joy.
Is it another accessory, a cat or designer dog, to make me look chic?
Desires to be a mommy. To have a family. My own.
him for his silly boyhood dream of being a strong hero of citizens? Is he doing it for others, or for himself?
I cannot supress the urge, nor fill my life with stuff to overcome it. It is not a disease or disorder like every other urge in the world today, it is simply my life being driven by that animal inside. Prozac or vacations to Mexico...would those help me? Who is being suppressed, who is being compressed? Am I suppressing my own life for this other desire? Who am I fighting against? Who is trying to put me into a box of a life, where everything should neatly fit and be in order, this then that, then car then kid then retirement?
What can i do? I don't even like babies, or diapers or soft toys and Disney movies. But i want a child. I want to reproduce. What truest pursuit can I go after, yet this is mocked and seen as silly. I would rather play sports than dress a dolly, but yet this female person inside me knows more than that, she wants it, and I must answer that call.
Those who were called but could not deliver, for lack of money, health, who knows? What did they do? Did they carry on happily? Were they okay? I don't know.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Impulsivity
In a heavy weighted world, I still feel my brain is detached.
It's flying out there on its own, my limbs are seeking after it.
The heat at night makes me feel insane,
I twitch and turn and I can't get comfortable.
I wake in the morning and feel dense air around me.
The only way to break through the thickness of this world is with a fire, with anger, with impulse.
The train was late, then full, so I waited. No one moved for me so i moved them.
My teeth are hurting. I am grinding down my molars while I stand on the train. And while I sleep.
I laid on the bed half dressed for work. Pressing out small tears like a child trying to get out of school. But I am trying to get out of life. I don't wanna go. I can't handle one more minute alone in front of a computer screen, in front of a blank, white wall, closed in to my little cage all day. Alone here. Awaiting the moment I can leave to grit my teeth home on the train, to go to sleep and grind down my molars in anxious dreams.
The world is too heavy today. And my fire is too low to fight back today. it's heavy, and dark, and pressing me down.
It's flying out there on its own, my limbs are seeking after it.
The heat at night makes me feel insane,
I twitch and turn and I can't get comfortable.
I wake in the morning and feel dense air around me.
The only way to break through the thickness of this world is with a fire, with anger, with impulse.
The train was late, then full, so I waited. No one moved for me so i moved them.
My teeth are hurting. I am grinding down my molars while I stand on the train. And while I sleep.
I laid on the bed half dressed for work. Pressing out small tears like a child trying to get out of school. But I am trying to get out of life. I don't wanna go. I can't handle one more minute alone in front of a computer screen, in front of a blank, white wall, closed in to my little cage all day. Alone here. Awaiting the moment I can leave to grit my teeth home on the train, to go to sleep and grind down my molars in anxious dreams.
The world is too heavy today. And my fire is too low to fight back today. it's heavy, and dark, and pressing me down.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Pull-Ups
I have started my quest to do pull-ups. Not for any particular reason.
After 2 sessions with Justin holding my legs and literally lifting me up and down, we have switched to a recommended schedule of doing 12 sets of ONE (!) with 45 seconds between "sets" (c'mon, you can't call one a set).
I am not particularly fond of this new Doing it all By Myself regime, but I couldn't stop giggling when people would walk through the park and see Justin grunting to lift me up and down, and literally, I wasn't even sore the next day because I didn't do anything. Pretty cute right?
Oh, we do them at the playground. This might help improve faster, as public embarassement is a good motivator. Sure we could get an indoor bar, and maybe we will in the fall, but to be honest, I like playing with my hubby at the playground woop woop.
So last night I think I did 10 sets of ONE. Yep. or one and a half, I don't get where to start counting, because I sort of jump to get up, hold then lower down. That didn't seem like enough so now I jump, hold, lower and go up once more. So maybe I did 12.
Either way, something was twitching in my forearm, seriously twitching. And I followed up with a healthy supper of cookies (at least I baked them myself) and popcorn with cinnamon and nutritional yeast. You can see I'm not really doing this for fitness' sake. just for fun?
After 2 sessions with Justin holding my legs and literally lifting me up and down, we have switched to a recommended schedule of doing 12 sets of ONE (!) with 45 seconds between "sets" (c'mon, you can't call one a set).
I am not particularly fond of this new Doing it all By Myself regime, but I couldn't stop giggling when people would walk through the park and see Justin grunting to lift me up and down, and literally, I wasn't even sore the next day because I didn't do anything. Pretty cute right?
Oh, we do them at the playground. This might help improve faster, as public embarassement is a good motivator. Sure we could get an indoor bar, and maybe we will in the fall, but to be honest, I like playing with my hubby at the playground woop woop.
So last night I think I did 10 sets of ONE. Yep. or one and a half, I don't get where to start counting, because I sort of jump to get up, hold then lower down. That didn't seem like enough so now I jump, hold, lower and go up once more. So maybe I did 12.
Either way, something was twitching in my forearm, seriously twitching. And I followed up with a healthy supper of cookies (at least I baked them myself) and popcorn with cinnamon and nutritional yeast. You can see I'm not really doing this for fitness' sake. just for fun?
Saturday, March 20, 2010
A new Place, a new Start?
Officially two late 20s couple is going to be moving from their very humble 1 bedroom apartment into the Hyatt of condos, at the end of July. This gives them approx 4 months (um, and counting!) to decide:
What goes
What stays
What is hideous
What is beautiful
What is affordable
What can wait
I can't think of any more categories, even if something is hideous, it might have to stay, while something that is beautiful might have to go (count of things I own that are beautiful is coming up to about 0).
We have a "flex" room, a very savvy marketing term to say that you could not afford a second bedroom (definition of a bedroom means that there is a window in that room) so you have this windowless, big-enough-for-a-bed but never going to be a true bedroom room. Hmm...the consensus out there is that one would never consider using this room for a wee one, but we are different. We go against this popular opinion, as well as the popular opinion that one should a. buy a house, b. buy a condo instead of a house because the house was too expensive and c. one must never raise a child in the inner city. So I'm having difficulties sharing the news of this place, (and when I say sharing,, I have to say it is more justifying or explaining, or backtracking) with most of our friendlies, because happen to be the popular opinion in most cases.
So amongst these categories (why waste any more time?).
GO:
Curtains I crappily hemmed, then added a craptacular draw to
the big ole nighstand/sock drawer that makes me feel like I'm drowning every night, it's looming presence standing over me
Cats???? Sid drives me nuts, but more so, I want a tranquil home, and I should have thought of this before, but I didn't, and I do love Fredcat. He is a child to us, we love him to death, but he was depressed when Garth died, then fat, then happy when we got Sid, but Sid is the problem. I am looking for a new home for them, but it would be so upsetting at times not to have a Fredcat drooling away on me after work, or purring me to better health when I'm sick or tired...but isnt' that what real children are for?
Broom...a new one would be good. What about the vacuum cleaner? Only one room has carpet, do we need UberVac for this one room? What about an area rug, how would be clean that without UberVac?
STAY:
the new and fabulous sectional couch from Urban Barn
the wedding gifted pots and pans from the aunts
plasma screen
Tree photos and 2 canvas photos Marian made from Justin's snapshots...I think J's should go in the flex room, and the trees in our entryway. And I would like to change these seasonally, at least once a year.
HIDEOUS:
The dresser Justin "restored" that belonged to his great granny. It's just so big!
The book shelf, an Ikea "original"
BEAUTIFUL:
Low storage options from a magazine cutout mom sent to me
AFFORDABLE:
Bar stools for the brek nook
New towels and such, girly girl things like this, so we can cash in wedding gifts from HBC
WAIT:
Babies...this is the saddest answer, i want a baby now, but there seems to be many expectations on us to wait so that future gramps and gran can come play at the new house. I give them one year.
A new kitchen table (can't decide if this should be a high, rectangular table, a high, bistro table, or a round boring low table, or anything at all frankly, which is why I say wait).
Furniture for said flex room...do we turn this into a bedroom, a transitional bedroom (hide-a-bed), or what?
A gorgeous coffee table
An extra chair
CAN'T DECIDE:
the current computer desk/Jackie's eating table
the old, broken down white piece of furniture Justin rescued from Eco
Craptacular kitchen stuff from the utensils, utensil holders, my mixmatched (well, on purpose) dishes, and every single crazy cooking tool we have accumulated (and love, we use them, but do we need them?)
Crock pot (that wasn't our purchase anyways)
The wittle IKEA stand our TV sits on...
What goes
What stays
What is hideous
What is beautiful
What is affordable
What can wait
I can't think of any more categories, even if something is hideous, it might have to stay, while something that is beautiful might have to go (count of things I own that are beautiful is coming up to about 0).
We have a "flex" room, a very savvy marketing term to say that you could not afford a second bedroom (definition of a bedroom means that there is a window in that room) so you have this windowless, big-enough-for-a-bed but never going to be a true bedroom room. Hmm...the consensus out there is that one would never consider using this room for a wee one, but we are different. We go against this popular opinion, as well as the popular opinion that one should a. buy a house, b. buy a condo instead of a house because the house was too expensive and c. one must never raise a child in the inner city. So I'm having difficulties sharing the news of this place, (and when I say sharing,, I have to say it is more justifying or explaining, or backtracking) with most of our friendlies, because happen to be the popular opinion in most cases.
So amongst these categories (why waste any more time?).
GO:
Curtains I crappily hemmed, then added a craptacular draw to
the big ole nighstand/sock drawer that makes me feel like I'm drowning every night, it's looming presence standing over me
Cats???? Sid drives me nuts, but more so, I want a tranquil home, and I should have thought of this before, but I didn't, and I do love Fredcat. He is a child to us, we love him to death, but he was depressed when Garth died, then fat, then happy when we got Sid, but Sid is the problem. I am looking for a new home for them, but it would be so upsetting at times not to have a Fredcat drooling away on me after work, or purring me to better health when I'm sick or tired...but isnt' that what real children are for?
Broom...a new one would be good. What about the vacuum cleaner? Only one room has carpet, do we need UberVac for this one room? What about an area rug, how would be clean that without UberVac?
STAY:
the new and fabulous sectional couch from Urban Barn
the wedding gifted pots and pans from the aunts
plasma screen
Tree photos and 2 canvas photos Marian made from Justin's snapshots...I think J's should go in the flex room, and the trees in our entryway. And I would like to change these seasonally, at least once a year.
HIDEOUS:
The dresser Justin "restored" that belonged to his great granny. It's just so big!
The book shelf, an Ikea "original"
BEAUTIFUL:
Low storage options from a magazine cutout mom sent to me
AFFORDABLE:
Bar stools for the brek nook
New towels and such, girly girl things like this, so we can cash in wedding gifts from HBC
WAIT:
Babies...this is the saddest answer, i want a baby now, but there seems to be many expectations on us to wait so that future gramps and gran can come play at the new house. I give them one year.
A new kitchen table (can't decide if this should be a high, rectangular table, a high, bistro table, or a round boring low table, or anything at all frankly, which is why I say wait).
Furniture for said flex room...do we turn this into a bedroom, a transitional bedroom (hide-a-bed), or what?
A gorgeous coffee table
An extra chair
CAN'T DECIDE:
the current computer desk/Jackie's eating table
the old, broken down white piece of furniture Justin rescued from Eco
Craptacular kitchen stuff from the utensils, utensil holders, my mixmatched (well, on purpose) dishes, and every single crazy cooking tool we have accumulated (and love, we use them, but do we need them?)
Crock pot (that wasn't our purchase anyways)
The wittle IKEA stand our TV sits on...
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