Today I went to Dr. Nandi, the half-ass doctor downtown, in the sketchy mission medical clinic. They formally tested my pee, what little I could give, for a formal prognosis of pregnancy. I never thought I would allow this test, but after twice halfing bleeding, including last night, any confirmation of pregnancy was a relief. But it also freaked the hell out of me. I was terrified too.
Watched a ted talk on happiness from the one self, the experiencing self, and the other self, the recalling self. Would you go back and do a vacation based only on the experience, having amenesia and no photos? I wonder about the "trip" of pregnancy, not saying it has to top the radar. Also wondering about having kids, whether THIS is something that you experience as happiness, or if it is the promise of memories. I'm so embarassed to say it has mainly been the promise of memories, like I'm planning a freaking trip to Africa. How embarassing. But without knowing whether I will enjoy the experience, I can't say yet. I know I wanted the experience of being pregnant, as I desired the opportunity to indulge in yoga, sleep, healthy food, time with Justin.
In a similar vein, I'm really wanting to do yoga, even though the doc said to have bedrest. Unfortunately I won't follow that order, I will stay active, I know my body. Sex IS out of the question very, very sadly. Good thing Justin got hit in the nuts at soccer tonight.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Reprieve from worry and family
I thought before I left that my stress and worry was at an all-time high. But of course, spending time with my quality stress family proved me wrong. No, there were no dramatics, nothing happened of any consequence. But my impatience, my aggression and my hostility, to mention a few, were at the forefront of my trip "back home." To have all my weaknesses spread out like a buffet for my dad to pounce and chew on definitely dampened any worries about babies. And having my young niece around, screaming, upset to be with anyone other than mama or dada definitely turned worries of not being able to conceive a baby into worries of having to take care of this baby.
While it is dad's birthday today, I can't help but allow childish stubborn tendencies to cloud any gifts of birthday greetings from me to him. He is so disatisfied with me as his offspring, but I don't think he sees these feelings. His own 94-year old mother cannot express her feelings, instead commenting how "everyone looks so happy" then later "everyone is so happy, but then it wears off, it diminishes". She was utterly projecting her feelings onto the Sunday afternoon crowd at the local small town Coop! And to expect my dad to express himself!
For me to detach myself from my dad's own disastisfaction, I have to detach myself from my father being my father at all, and everything that entails. What does it mean to have a father? What projections do I still carry out because of his hopes and dreams thrust onto me? I know it is inconceivable, but I return home thankful to be away from my family, to be away from their complete attachment to me. To how they define themselves relative to me. I see they also wish to get away from this, and sometimes I think they like to blame me for moving far away as a convenient place to criticize me from, but I think they would hate for me to be there, close to them, never allowing them to grow past "mom" and "dad". So that is my gift to you today dad. I am not there, you are not even there, travelling to your far away workplace in the small town. i give you the freedom to be anything you would like to be, to grow into any potential energy form you wish. Not to have me limit your growth, not expecting you to be anything more than another spirit disguised as a human for this short time on Earth. I let go of you dad, fly away! Oh, and I did refrain from eating that pie mom made so you could devour it in whole over this week, didn't I?!
While it is dad's birthday today, I can't help but allow childish stubborn tendencies to cloud any gifts of birthday greetings from me to him. He is so disatisfied with me as his offspring, but I don't think he sees these feelings. His own 94-year old mother cannot express her feelings, instead commenting how "everyone looks so happy" then later "everyone is so happy, but then it wears off, it diminishes". She was utterly projecting her feelings onto the Sunday afternoon crowd at the local small town Coop! And to expect my dad to express himself!
For me to detach myself from my dad's own disastisfaction, I have to detach myself from my father being my father at all, and everything that entails. What does it mean to have a father? What projections do I still carry out because of his hopes and dreams thrust onto me? I know it is inconceivable, but I return home thankful to be away from my family, to be away from their complete attachment to me. To how they define themselves relative to me. I see they also wish to get away from this, and sometimes I think they like to blame me for moving far away as a convenient place to criticize me from, but I think they would hate for me to be there, close to them, never allowing them to grow past "mom" and "dad". So that is my gift to you today dad. I am not there, you are not even there, travelling to your far away workplace in the small town. i give you the freedom to be anything you would like to be, to grow into any potential energy form you wish. Not to have me limit your growth, not expecting you to be anything more than another spirit disguised as a human for this short time on Earth. I let go of you dad, fly away! Oh, and I did refrain from eating that pie mom made so you could devour it in whole over this week, didn't I?!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Livid
This morning there was blood, and I immediately went into a bit of shock. Am I having a miscarriage? Does it hurt? I was numb.
I didn't say anything until halfway to work and then I very abruptly and off-topic said "well, I'm worried that the blood this morning was not good. Not good at all."
There wasn't much J could do as we were riding bikes, which I think i wanted, as if he had hugged me, I might have started crying, and never made it in to work.
But now I don't know, but I no longer "feel" pregnant. It's like I convinced myself I was, and now I'm convinced I'm not. And while neither of these things are realistic, I was and maybe I still am, I think it stems from blaming myself for a possible loss. If I could cause everything from just thinking about it, that confirms to me that I am to blame for any loss. Huh?
Even though i immediately took the steps to accomodate a new life in my body, I feel now like I didn't do enough. I should have stopped everything risky at the start, before I knew. I should have this and that.
I just want to go home, test again, go pee, make sure there is no more blood, that it was "normal". I want a normal doctor, a regular walk-in clinic, I want to feel safe and in charge of my own health! I know I could handle this much better if I had the assurance of good doctors or midwives, etc. Going to the voodoo type walk ins downtown causes anxiety as I may as well being under an inquisition.
I didn't say anything until halfway to work and then I very abruptly and off-topic said "well, I'm worried that the blood this morning was not good. Not good at all."
There wasn't much J could do as we were riding bikes, which I think i wanted, as if he had hugged me, I might have started crying, and never made it in to work.
But now I don't know, but I no longer "feel" pregnant. It's like I convinced myself I was, and now I'm convinced I'm not. And while neither of these things are realistic, I was and maybe I still am, I think it stems from blaming myself for a possible loss. If I could cause everything from just thinking about it, that confirms to me that I am to blame for any loss. Huh?
Even though i immediately took the steps to accomodate a new life in my body, I feel now like I didn't do enough. I should have stopped everything risky at the start, before I knew. I should have this and that.
I just want to go home, test again, go pee, make sure there is no more blood, that it was "normal". I want a normal doctor, a regular walk-in clinic, I want to feel safe and in charge of my own health! I know I could handle this much better if I had the assurance of good doctors or midwives, etc. Going to the voodoo type walk ins downtown causes anxiety as I may as well being under an inquisition.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Worlds are Colliding
I'm sitting in front of my computer at work, and an email pops up in Outlook "FYI". I open it and see a thesis by Peter. Peter has been in the yoga class I teach for over a year.
I jump out of my chair and run around the office to my boss' office.
"Paaauul (with a high note in the middle), you know that I teach yoga to Peter?"
"Who's Peter?"
"The guy who wrote the thesis that you just sent me. I've been teaching him yoga twice a week for like a year! He's just a young guy, like, my age."
Kathryn, in the office getting coffee from their shared stash of "good" coffee, rolls her eyes and walks out.
"I don't see the relevance here."
"My worlds are colliding Paul! His thesis was from Environmental Design and I'm taking GIS for urban planning, and I work at the library in a similar field, but when I teach yoga, they only see me as the yoga teacher, always forgetting that I have some connection to what they do."
Long silence.
"I still don't see it."
"Don't you see my worlds are colliding? It's from Seinfeld, when George says his worlds-"
"Ah yes, I thought I'd heard that before" (laughing, but I think in memory of the Seinfeld). "I still don't see the significance here."
"Paul, it seems like I might have to find someone you're close to, someone you see on a regular basis each week, then I'll find something they've published, send it to you as it pertains to your job, and then you'll see."
Guffawing, "yes, I guess so. But really, did you read it? Do you think anyone really needs to be told that 'people go to places that they live close to?' He spent how long working on that?"
Silence on my end now. Staring. Mouth open. For an iota I felt I might get somewhere, might move somewhere, might be recognized for the important part of the web we all exist in. It had passed. To connect myself to Peter now meant less credibility.
"Okay, but you have no sense of empathy..." as I briskly walked away. I turned to go out the door and almost knocked over Kathryn.
"Ahhh!" I screamed, in a way as a joke, but also out of a compulsion to scream.
I jump out of my chair and run around the office to my boss' office.
"Paaauul (with a high note in the middle), you know that I teach yoga to Peter?"
"Who's Peter?"
"The guy who wrote the thesis that you just sent me. I've been teaching him yoga twice a week for like a year! He's just a young guy, like, my age."
Kathryn, in the office getting coffee from their shared stash of "good" coffee, rolls her eyes and walks out.
"I don't see the relevance here."
"My worlds are colliding Paul! His thesis was from Environmental Design and I'm taking GIS for urban planning, and I work at the library in a similar field, but when I teach yoga, they only see me as the yoga teacher, always forgetting that I have some connection to what they do."
Long silence.
"I still don't see it."
"Don't you see my worlds are colliding? It's from Seinfeld, when George says his worlds-"
"Ah yes, I thought I'd heard that before" (laughing, but I think in memory of the Seinfeld). "I still don't see the significance here."
"Paul, it seems like I might have to find someone you're close to, someone you see on a regular basis each week, then I'll find something they've published, send it to you as it pertains to your job, and then you'll see."
Guffawing, "yes, I guess so. But really, did you read it? Do you think anyone really needs to be told that 'people go to places that they live close to?' He spent how long working on that?"
Silence on my end now. Staring. Mouth open. For an iota I felt I might get somewhere, might move somewhere, might be recognized for the important part of the web we all exist in. It had passed. To connect myself to Peter now meant less credibility.
"Okay, but you have no sense of empathy..." as I briskly walked away. I turned to go out the door and almost knocked over Kathryn.
"Ahhh!" I screamed, in a way as a joke, but also out of a compulsion to scream.
Monday, June 7, 2010
13
Well of course, today is 13, explaining the absolute crap feeling I have today.
I'm so stressed about my courses at SAIT that I'm taking it out on J, and I feel awful for that. I have to remind myself why I'm taking these courses, and it's hard to drop out when I've told everyone what I'm doing. I want to do it, but the teaching and format is really excruciating for me.
I haven't been able to keep my stress levels low...buying a car causes pressure to build to take on all thes yoga classes, but the compelling feeling I should take them in case I need a sub! So tonight I'm teaching 2 in a row again, and I've been freaking out about it after the last time. It's just too hot, it makes my organs feel cooked.
I have kept up jogging, but not the little stuff, like stretching, reading, getting to bed on time, and most importantly, our diet is shit. I just have no appetite for anything, so by the time I feel hungry, we're in a situation that makes it seemingly impossible to cook a healthy meal (too late, stores busy, and of course, fridge broken as of lately!).
I think I should recommit to living stress-free, but today i feel hopeless and just want the day to be over. At least I scheduled a date with a (reliable) friend for this week when J is gone. I had 2 friends completely ditch me lately so I'm happy to see this old friend again, who I've always been able to depend on!
I'm so stressed about my courses at SAIT that I'm taking it out on J, and I feel awful for that. I have to remind myself why I'm taking these courses, and it's hard to drop out when I've told everyone what I'm doing. I want to do it, but the teaching and format is really excruciating for me.
I haven't been able to keep my stress levels low...buying a car causes pressure to build to take on all thes yoga classes, but the compelling feeling I should take them in case I need a sub! So tonight I'm teaching 2 in a row again, and I've been freaking out about it after the last time. It's just too hot, it makes my organs feel cooked.
I have kept up jogging, but not the little stuff, like stretching, reading, getting to bed on time, and most importantly, our diet is shit. I just have no appetite for anything, so by the time I feel hungry, we're in a situation that makes it seemingly impossible to cook a healthy meal (too late, stores busy, and of course, fridge broken as of lately!).
I think I should recommit to living stress-free, but today i feel hopeless and just want the day to be over. At least I scheduled a date with a (reliable) friend for this week when J is gone. I had 2 friends completely ditch me lately so I'm happy to see this old friend again, who I've always been able to depend on!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Day 3 Continue to unravel!
I shouldn't exaggerate, but today actually started as yesterday ended ah!
I wake up to the alarm and then I guess I wasn't wanting to deal with life. I slept until 20 to 8:00. But without a shower or brekkie, I made it just after 8 and it was a great thing! We had an assignment that I finished with just enough time to literally sprint to the train and teach yoga. Which also went great. So pretty much everything could have sucked, but I loved today! Even after I took the wrong train and had to walk in the downpour back 5 blocks ah! Crazy.
So no jogging, but it was downpouring. Yoga, yes. 45 minutes, interrupted about 5 times by a friend, J's mom, J in Victoria, dinner, laundry, etc. But I did it. Then I cleaned up the place for J's return. It's late, I'm relaxed, feeling good ...but tired!
I wake up to the alarm and then I guess I wasn't wanting to deal with life. I slept until 20 to 8:00. But without a shower or brekkie, I made it just after 8 and it was a great thing! We had an assignment that I finished with just enough time to literally sprint to the train and teach yoga. Which also went great. So pretty much everything could have sucked, but I loved today! Even after I took the wrong train and had to walk in the downpour back 5 blocks ah! Crazy.
So no jogging, but it was downpouring. Yoga, yes. 45 minutes, interrupted about 5 times by a friend, J's mom, J in Victoria, dinner, laundry, etc. But I did it. Then I cleaned up the place for J's return. It's late, I'm relaxed, feeling good ...but tired!
Day 2 Life unravels
I can't believe the trauma of yesterday. I promised all these "stress-free" activities, but I guess I was a day late. There was this thing with the neighbours. My mistake was going to the cops, when I should have made the original witnesses. Mistake Two was giving the chick a heads up about the cops contacting her. Apparently that constitutes harassment, in the words of her father, to our Property Manager. So after a breakdown, I called my support circle, J's mom, my mom, Jeff....I guess I handled it well, calling everyone. My mom just kept talking to me until I was happy, so I'm very grateful to her right now.
Did I jog for 15 and yoga for 15? Yep! I jogged at lunch, so no worries there. It started raining at the end, but I felt great, work was great, really happy. Yoga went well too, although I was interrupted, but I got my 15 in.
So my solution is to keep up the practise, no matter the trauma that occurs. I can't let traumatic neighbour crap knock me off the gameplan. Glad I made the commitment.
Did I jog for 15 and yoga for 15? Yep! I jogged at lunch, so no worries there. It started raining at the end, but I felt great, work was great, really happy. Yoga went well too, although I was interrupted, but I got my 15 in.
So my solution is to keep up the practise, no matter the trauma that occurs. I can't let traumatic neighbour crap knock me off the gameplan. Glad I made the commitment.
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