So when I start a new job, which is often, I seem to find that the first week involves excruciating mental anxiety, but for the most part I am pretty content and feeling good. With time, about 1 month down the road, I start to get ill at work. Let's call it a mix of having a cold and having IBS (ugh, Irritable Bowel Syndrome need I point out). But then, I never get truly sick, as though I'm carrying around this half-hearted attempt and killing myself from the inside out.
So today is one of those days. Coincidentally these "symptoms" coincide with jobs where there is a high pretend quotient. In other words, very little happens, which makes for a dull girl. Is it the dissonance of wanting to work but having none? The guilt that I should be making a difference in life but instead I am wasting my life away sitting on my ass? I'm not sure, but I decided, after actually getting sick with gall bladder issues, that I would only work part time. This, I thought, would cure me as most of my week would be *not* spent wiling away the hours behind a screen.
But I'm still wiling away my hours behind a screen, this blog point in fact. I start with a coffee, thinking a little high will compensate for a wasted life, but this just makes my already wavering focus a little more wavery. Sometimes I think I need a second coffee (let's be honest, I'm into lattes not coffees, but you get the point). The second coffee usually induces an unpleasant physical reaction, so this is not the solution.
Is it quite possible that my mind, rebelling against all motivation I have to stay seated and waste my life paying off student loans little by little, is truly trying to kill me? I have to think yes. Because when I really start to consider it, life here is not much different from being on life support (oh it burns to say that knowing some people actually are), and me being a compassionate soul would want, instinctually, to do the right thing and put the girl (me) out of her misery. Yes, it's all relative to what is happening in your life, but to sit behind a desk without interaction, without a window, without so much as needing to stand for even one minute of the day, is my personal idea of Hell. Get a new job? I cannot say this changes from job to job, I have 1 good month then wham, straight to the pit.
Enough complaining.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Sightings of Exes
Do you ever walk down the street, up to your normal shenanigans, and suddenly, out of the blue ,you are seeing your past relationship walking in front of you? At first panic ensues, you think you should sprint away or jump into a shrub. Then, with shaky legs, you want to continue walking, just play it cool. But then, is that really him? Why would he be in this neighbourhood, a place that is so non-ghetto, so yuppie, so filled with happy people living happy little lives...? But then again, he IS dressed all in black, maybe some ill-fated Saturday night brought him to your little haven, and he is only here to get on the train and get back to his 'hood.
This happens so rarely that when it does, it sends me into some shock. My relationships, really like everyone's past relationships, bring up so many old feelings of unworthiness, intrigue and embarassement that I truly would like to do the shrub jump, if any North American city was kind enough to build large shrubs capable of fitting a crazy lady. Hmm...I think that's why all the shrubs ARE cut low, because inevitably not women like me, but drunks and crackheads fill their recesses. Okay, but still, what is the correct way to avoid or confront an ex in the street?
Once, a few years ago, I swore I saw him by SAIT. I got home, feeling shaky, deciding I could carry on my day without rehashing old scenarios on replay. But then, amazingly, he calls me on the phone. No, he didn't see me, he just felt like calling after 2 years of never seeing, talking or emailing. The weird thing was that I felt so out of it, that I convinced myself that it wasn't him on the phone, and preceeded to have a strange conversation with someone I thought I should know but couldn't place. I think they call this high-level denial or something. At last, I admitted something way too personal for the convo and he was like "It's So and So!" and I went into a blubbery state of blame, shame, and apologies for not knowing. It was like "Oh, I'm so SO sorry I didn't recognize your voice....I guess I was so used to our screaming fights that I didn't recognize your calm, almost human timbre. Oops, sorry, sorry, just out of sorts here, I thought I saw you today, this is all too strange." So eventually I hung up on him. Then I called him back and his response went like, "I knew you would call back, you always did!" So in a fury I hung up again, and this time didn't phone back.
The invent of facebook seemed to make things a little more akward for this. You add an ex, a person you could basically be okay with if they fell off the planet, but you never wall each other, phone, see each other. Eventually I saw I wasn't on his FB anymore, and I truly felt a little offended, as though he wanted me to drop off the planet. Hmm....
This happens so rarely that when it does, it sends me into some shock. My relationships, really like everyone's past relationships, bring up so many old feelings of unworthiness, intrigue and embarassement that I truly would like to do the shrub jump, if any North American city was kind enough to build large shrubs capable of fitting a crazy lady. Hmm...I think that's why all the shrubs ARE cut low, because inevitably not women like me, but drunks and crackheads fill their recesses. Okay, but still, what is the correct way to avoid or confront an ex in the street?
Once, a few years ago, I swore I saw him by SAIT. I got home, feeling shaky, deciding I could carry on my day without rehashing old scenarios on replay. But then, amazingly, he calls me on the phone. No, he didn't see me, he just felt like calling after 2 years of never seeing, talking or emailing. The weird thing was that I felt so out of it, that I convinced myself that it wasn't him on the phone, and preceeded to have a strange conversation with someone I thought I should know but couldn't place. I think they call this high-level denial or something. At last, I admitted something way too personal for the convo and he was like "It's So and So!" and I went into a blubbery state of blame, shame, and apologies for not knowing. It was like "Oh, I'm so SO sorry I didn't recognize your voice....I guess I was so used to our screaming fights that I didn't recognize your calm, almost human timbre. Oops, sorry, sorry, just out of sorts here, I thought I saw you today, this is all too strange." So eventually I hung up on him. Then I called him back and his response went like, "I knew you would call back, you always did!" So in a fury I hung up again, and this time didn't phone back.
The invent of facebook seemed to make things a little more akward for this. You add an ex, a person you could basically be okay with if they fell off the planet, but you never wall each other, phone, see each other. Eventually I saw I wasn't on his FB anymore, and I truly felt a little offended, as though he wanted me to drop off the planet. Hmm....
Saturday, August 8, 2009
YOGA BOLSTER
Sewing a yoga bolster hasn't been as easy a task as I've assumed it to be.
Among major complaints:
Fabric - okay, it is next to impossible to find fabric in Cowtown, and don't even get me started about "organic", "bamboo"....the list goes on.
So the pattern I have from Fabricland has muslin as a interior and any fabric as an exterior. Being lazy I skip the interior and go straight to a zipper cover. So I figure that the best fabric would be a stiffer fabric, like a linen. Fabricland has a limited diversity in fabrics, and I'm not the best at finding what I need in their maze of fabrics, so I think I have linen, but I'm actually not sure. What I do know is that it frays and almost spews its threads at me, so I'm guessing it's linen...?
One is Strawberry Shortcake, or whatever the cutesy cartoon for girls was named in the 80s. I had a themed birthday when I was 2 I think. But obviously a bolster of all SS would be overkill, so I'm pondering appliques, or a mix of SS with something more racy...this is where design would come in handy, having the instinct to know how to match these juxtapositions.
Foam - besides the outrageous cost, I look at Half Moon's bolsters (by cleverly unravelling it's pieces bahaha) and there seems to be some market out there, selling rubber cores for yoga bolsters, but a google search does not reveal this market. uh..."rubber"...yeah, that's a little broad for a meaningful search. So I bought the rigid $$ foam from Fabricland on Labour Day last year, knowing it's half off, which led to an overabundance of foam in the tetris stack that is our front closet. Now I'm using it, but you need something to go around the foam, just like Half Moon does on their bolsters.
An obvious question would be "Why not just buy the Half Moon bolster?" but they are $70-$80. I figured I could make them cheaper, but I'm seeing that it is the quality of their foam and batting that leads to this pricepoint, and actually, the price might be a very low margin for the makers, I can't see much profit in it. So the next justification comes in the form of aesthetics. Half Moon only does plain beige, navy or army green covers. The users of the bolsters are mainly young women, often in prenatal classes. So my assumption is that they might want something a little cooler, they are doing yoga to begin with, obviously outside mainstream exercise and prenatal care (or is it anymore???).
Batting - A wool, eco-type batting seems to fill the Half Moon bolsters. Where they get this, like the rubber, is completely unknown. I have tried Fabricland, Walmart (puke), and Michael's, the big art store around here (another puke, too much craft stuff is like a clothing department store, I get overwhelmed and depressed). Either way, no one has anything like this. It looks post-consumer, but again, what do you google to find this??? So I used the foam, then regular, high density quilting batting, still $$ for what my use is. And my final consideration in all this is how tight I sew this batting on to the foam. HM's seems to be just sitting in the cover, while I am making up for a lack of a rubber core so I sew it tightly, hoping it holds up to a fatty prego laying on it for an hour. It seems even me putting my weight on my first bolster caused mucho sagging and not enough cushioning. So the search continues. I am so astonished at the lack of textile and manufacturing materials in this city. But then again, we're no Montreal, no history of making clothing or just about anything involving high processing or manufacturing. That's what we ship it overseas for of course:(
Among major complaints:
Fabric - okay, it is next to impossible to find fabric in Cowtown, and don't even get me started about "organic", "bamboo"....the list goes on.
So the pattern I have from Fabricland has muslin as a interior and any fabric as an exterior. Being lazy I skip the interior and go straight to a zipper cover. So I figure that the best fabric would be a stiffer fabric, like a linen. Fabricland has a limited diversity in fabrics, and I'm not the best at finding what I need in their maze of fabrics, so I think I have linen, but I'm actually not sure. What I do know is that it frays and almost spews its threads at me, so I'm guessing it's linen...?
One is Strawberry Shortcake, or whatever the cutesy cartoon for girls was named in the 80s. I had a themed birthday when I was 2 I think. But obviously a bolster of all SS would be overkill, so I'm pondering appliques, or a mix of SS with something more racy...this is where design would come in handy, having the instinct to know how to match these juxtapositions.
Foam - besides the outrageous cost, I look at Half Moon's bolsters (by cleverly unravelling it's pieces bahaha) and there seems to be some market out there, selling rubber cores for yoga bolsters, but a google search does not reveal this market. uh..."rubber"...yeah, that's a little broad for a meaningful search. So I bought the rigid $$ foam from Fabricland on Labour Day last year, knowing it's half off, which led to an overabundance of foam in the tetris stack that is our front closet. Now I'm using it, but you need something to go around the foam, just like Half Moon does on their bolsters.
An obvious question would be "Why not just buy the Half Moon bolster?" but they are $70-$80. I figured I could make them cheaper, but I'm seeing that it is the quality of their foam and batting that leads to this pricepoint, and actually, the price might be a very low margin for the makers, I can't see much profit in it. So the next justification comes in the form of aesthetics. Half Moon only does plain beige, navy or army green covers. The users of the bolsters are mainly young women, often in prenatal classes. So my assumption is that they might want something a little cooler, they are doing yoga to begin with, obviously outside mainstream exercise and prenatal care (or is it anymore???).
Batting - A wool, eco-type batting seems to fill the Half Moon bolsters. Where they get this, like the rubber, is completely unknown. I have tried Fabricland, Walmart (puke), and Michael's, the big art store around here (another puke, too much craft stuff is like a clothing department store, I get overwhelmed and depressed). Either way, no one has anything like this. It looks post-consumer, but again, what do you google to find this??? So I used the foam, then regular, high density quilting batting, still $$ for what my use is. And my final consideration in all this is how tight I sew this batting on to the foam. HM's seems to be just sitting in the cover, while I am making up for a lack of a rubber core so I sew it tightly, hoping it holds up to a fatty prego laying on it for an hour. It seems even me putting my weight on my first bolster caused mucho sagging and not enough cushioning. So the search continues. I am so astonished at the lack of textile and manufacturing materials in this city. But then again, we're no Montreal, no history of making clothing or just about anything involving high processing or manufacturing. That's what we ship it overseas for of course:(
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
5 Considerations on Marriage
1. Why are you getting married?
Like the atrocities of other Western symbols, weddings as a symbol of a couple's birth into society, have become overblown and commercialized. My intention on marriage was idyllic (as an idealist this is true to my form). However, when faced with the full blown wedding details, I cannot help but want to elope, making this an intimate celebration between J and me. With each new challenge, like booking a facility, I find it harder and harder to separate out the commercial crap and what is meaningful to me. So that brings me to the second consideration...
2. What are your beliefs and rituals?
For the nonreligious, we tend to borrow rituals from different religions. Hold up, I AM religious, I was baptised and confirmed as an Anglican. Well, just as many weddings seemingly occur outside the awareness of the couple getting married (we'll just ladeda down the aisle and go along with whatever someone tells us to do), many religious people seem to be religious by implication rather than by practise. I do not practise Anglicism, besides feeling the Anglican influence on some firm foundational beliefs of what is moral and righteous. And from time to time using this to my advantage when certain religious people or questions come up where it would seem easier and maybe beneficial to just go along with the "Oh, I'm Anglican" label.
So how does one get married outside the context of their religion without stealing another culture's ceremonies? Isn't this the North American way? At certain mental moments, I have considered starting over in trueblue NAmerican fashion, with a diamond ring, a knee proposal, and a big ole Church full of family, friends and of course, your standard strangers that someone had to invite. That would be so much easier than figuring it out for myself. But it is too late, we cannot redo a lot of this (sorry J, no second proposal, I'm sure you were wanting that anxiety once more). So I am faced with researching potential rituals, and then pondering how they make me feel. Yet, as a purist when it comes to religion, I don't want to steal anyone's ceremonies and be left explaining to my children how white man stole many other things, why not some other culture's traditions for my own symbolic wedding? How about just borrowing..sigh.
I am a yogi, true. But unfortunately, where yoga was predominantly practised and taught, in the East, their relgious beliefs, be them Taoist, Hindu or Buddhist, where wrapped up in their yoga practise. So taking any yogic influence would inevitably be taking some Eastern Religion influence, and leave people pondering whether it was Krishna or Buddha who was presiding over our special day. Of course, yoga in the West is naturally influenced by the West's dominant beliefs, and that would be beauty and aesthetics. Oops, no ceremonial ties there, unless we wanted to follow our vows up with a hearty set up leg presses or crunches. Mmm...not so cool.
3. Ring exchange (Soap box moment)
If I get one more person glancing down at my hand to see the big rock, I'm going to go insane. I realize this is part of life, and when I'm pregnant for the first time I will likely make the same remarks about my body becoming a public forum free for all, but I think it is note-worthy to address our complete inability to express joy in a way that doesn't involve searching for some thing to confirm that what I'm saying is actually happening. Rather than a joyous hug, my friends would rather stay a foot away, looking for a ring, asking about concrete details like dates, places, dresses. Like being vegetarian and buying a veggie hotdog, then feeling I want to yell to passerbys "It's a VEGGIE dog!" I have the impulse to tattoo Canada's Diavik diamond mine on the back of my hand, with a note "I chose not to buy in to commercialism and environmental disaster". A cute little arrow pointing to my ring finger would top this whole image off, don't you think that would be just so cute? Us purists seem to be constantly justifying our choices, but more to ourselves than others I think. Maybe if our society kept its thoughts to itself more often than not, I wouldn't be feeling this need for justificaiton, but this is my culture, where everything is up to scrutiny, where people can say whatever they want, and I think I have internalized a lot of the comments.
4. The age old question of who to invite
Okay, I know this sounds old-school. But honestly, should my intimate, weird, dryad ceremony be open to friends who will want to mock, question and cajole me? When I mentioned "potluck" for a reception, I was greeted by many testimonials of those who had heard from a bride whose family chose to boycott their wedding just at the insinuation that they would have to bring a potluck dish to a wedding! And what about family? I have this devilish urge to invite half of some families, like the mom and son, but not the dad and daughter or other various combinations. Cherry-picking would be an appropriate word here. Okay, i have no solution for this, just wanted to complain.
5. Place and People
To reiterate on the people question, I want my wedding to be a celebration of our life together. It is not to rehash old haunts from my childhood. The little girl dream I had of marrying at the Saskatoon Berry Barn would be great, if J had I had happily gone there even once together. But we didn't. Now I have an understanding fiance, he would marry me on Venus if I convinced him that it meant a lot to me. But the point is for me to actually engage him in these decisions, so he feels the solemnity and intent of getting married too! They always say in books "don't forget, this is your wedding." So why would we get married in a place we've never been together? Or for that matter, in our hometown of Saskatoon, when we met in Calgary, live in Calgary, and the people we have chose to have in our lives (friends) are in Calgary and those who have to be in our lives (family from SK) will likely make their best effort to go wherever we choose?
As for the people, I truly hope that this ceremony makes it clear to those present that they are there to see the culmination of their support for us as a couple. Of course, some will be on the Bride's side (Aunts who encouraged me to keep looking for Mr. Right, somehow never telling me how wrong my Mr. Wrongs were) and some on the Grooms (J's friend shutting his mouth everytime I opened mine to criticize his lovelife, knowing how much J loves me). And hopefully we will have a few people who helped us along as a couple (oh the colorful neighbour who seems to see me and J as some sort of beacon of light for what is right in life). And all of those present will be asked to continue their support for us as a couple. I personally see this as a chance for those present to act as Godparents, knowing that if something should happen, they might very well be asked to step in and act as faith harborers for me and J, reminding us of why we are blessed. Wow, what a big question to ask of people, but isn't that why your wedding should be slightly more intimate than 350 people? Do they really feel responsible for you, or are they there to check out the chicks at the dance? Do people still say "chicks?"
Like the atrocities of other Western symbols, weddings as a symbol of a couple's birth into society, have become overblown and commercialized. My intention on marriage was idyllic (as an idealist this is true to my form). However, when faced with the full blown wedding details, I cannot help but want to elope, making this an intimate celebration between J and me. With each new challenge, like booking a facility, I find it harder and harder to separate out the commercial crap and what is meaningful to me. So that brings me to the second consideration...
2. What are your beliefs and rituals?
For the nonreligious, we tend to borrow rituals from different religions. Hold up, I AM religious, I was baptised and confirmed as an Anglican. Well, just as many weddings seemingly occur outside the awareness of the couple getting married (we'll just ladeda down the aisle and go along with whatever someone tells us to do), many religious people seem to be religious by implication rather than by practise. I do not practise Anglicism, besides feeling the Anglican influence on some firm foundational beliefs of what is moral and righteous. And from time to time using this to my advantage when certain religious people or questions come up where it would seem easier and maybe beneficial to just go along with the "Oh, I'm Anglican" label.
So how does one get married outside the context of their religion without stealing another culture's ceremonies? Isn't this the North American way? At certain mental moments, I have considered starting over in trueblue NAmerican fashion, with a diamond ring, a knee proposal, and a big ole Church full of family, friends and of course, your standard strangers that someone had to invite. That would be so much easier than figuring it out for myself. But it is too late, we cannot redo a lot of this (sorry J, no second proposal, I'm sure you were wanting that anxiety once more). So I am faced with researching potential rituals, and then pondering how they make me feel. Yet, as a purist when it comes to religion, I don't want to steal anyone's ceremonies and be left explaining to my children how white man stole many other things, why not some other culture's traditions for my own symbolic wedding? How about just borrowing..sigh.
I am a yogi, true. But unfortunately, where yoga was predominantly practised and taught, in the East, their relgious beliefs, be them Taoist, Hindu or Buddhist, where wrapped up in their yoga practise. So taking any yogic influence would inevitably be taking some Eastern Religion influence, and leave people pondering whether it was Krishna or Buddha who was presiding over our special day. Of course, yoga in the West is naturally influenced by the West's dominant beliefs, and that would be beauty and aesthetics. Oops, no ceremonial ties there, unless we wanted to follow our vows up with a hearty set up leg presses or crunches. Mmm...not so cool.
3. Ring exchange (Soap box moment)
If I get one more person glancing down at my hand to see the big rock, I'm going to go insane. I realize this is part of life, and when I'm pregnant for the first time I will likely make the same remarks about my body becoming a public forum free for all, but I think it is note-worthy to address our complete inability to express joy in a way that doesn't involve searching for some thing to confirm that what I'm saying is actually happening. Rather than a joyous hug, my friends would rather stay a foot away, looking for a ring, asking about concrete details like dates, places, dresses. Like being vegetarian and buying a veggie hotdog, then feeling I want to yell to passerbys "It's a VEGGIE dog!" I have the impulse to tattoo Canada's Diavik diamond mine on the back of my hand, with a note "I chose not to buy in to commercialism and environmental disaster". A cute little arrow pointing to my ring finger would top this whole image off, don't you think that would be just so cute? Us purists seem to be constantly justifying our choices, but more to ourselves than others I think. Maybe if our society kept its thoughts to itself more often than not, I wouldn't be feeling this need for justificaiton, but this is my culture, where everything is up to scrutiny, where people can say whatever they want, and I think I have internalized a lot of the comments.
4. The age old question of who to invite
Okay, I know this sounds old-school. But honestly, should my intimate, weird, dryad ceremony be open to friends who will want to mock, question and cajole me? When I mentioned "potluck" for a reception, I was greeted by many testimonials of those who had heard from a bride whose family chose to boycott their wedding just at the insinuation that they would have to bring a potluck dish to a wedding! And what about family? I have this devilish urge to invite half of some families, like the mom and son, but not the dad and daughter or other various combinations. Cherry-picking would be an appropriate word here. Okay, i have no solution for this, just wanted to complain.
5. Place and People
To reiterate on the people question, I want my wedding to be a celebration of our life together. It is not to rehash old haunts from my childhood. The little girl dream I had of marrying at the Saskatoon Berry Barn would be great, if J had I had happily gone there even once together. But we didn't. Now I have an understanding fiance, he would marry me on Venus if I convinced him that it meant a lot to me. But the point is for me to actually engage him in these decisions, so he feels the solemnity and intent of getting married too! They always say in books "don't forget, this is your wedding." So why would we get married in a place we've never been together? Or for that matter, in our hometown of Saskatoon, when we met in Calgary, live in Calgary, and the people we have chose to have in our lives (friends) are in Calgary and those who have to be in our lives (family from SK) will likely make their best effort to go wherever we choose?
As for the people, I truly hope that this ceremony makes it clear to those present that they are there to see the culmination of their support for us as a couple. Of course, some will be on the Bride's side (Aunts who encouraged me to keep looking for Mr. Right, somehow never telling me how wrong my Mr. Wrongs were) and some on the Grooms (J's friend shutting his mouth everytime I opened mine to criticize his lovelife, knowing how much J loves me). And hopefully we will have a few people who helped us along as a couple (oh the colorful neighbour who seems to see me and J as some sort of beacon of light for what is right in life). And all of those present will be asked to continue their support for us as a couple. I personally see this as a chance for those present to act as Godparents, knowing that if something should happen, they might very well be asked to step in and act as faith harborers for me and J, reminding us of why we are blessed. Wow, what a big question to ask of people, but isn't that why your wedding should be slightly more intimate than 350 people? Do they really feel responsible for you, or are they there to check out the chicks at the dance? Do people still say "chicks?"
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