Last night I freaked on J to the extreme...it started with a blame game of 'you don't take me anywhere' then went to everything from his exercise plans to...everything basically. It was bad, real bad. I asked him to stay out of the bedroom so I could have space alone to sleep, I was too upset to calm down with him in the room. But of course he eventually came in to talk but then slept on the couch, guess he thought i was still mad. So around my pee break, this time 5:00am, I called out for him to come in, and he did. We cuddled and whispered, and all seemed well. Although we're both still hurt today, he feels awful, and so do I. I push away the only person who is actually helping me. Which makes me feel more lonely of course!
The weather isn't helping. We do have a bit of sun, but it's mainly overcast and hovering in the mid -20's. I have the option of going to a mall to walk around, but that seems so lonely. I tried it last week and it was exhausting, which is good in a way, but it doesn't hold ground against having spring come and being able to walk each day and grab a jo by myself. That wouldn't exhaust me, it would be good work. But in -25 C, I'm not walking anywhere.
Today I am getting my hair cut. This should perk me up as I'm feeling like the ugliest woman on earth. It makes sense since my whole body looks ridiculous, and the drab clothes don't do it any help. When I calm down and think that the baby could come anytime, it seems ridiculous to complain about this wait, but in my mind, I know the baby is going to bide his time and wait until the very end, so it makes 14-21 days feel like the longest period of my life, and rightly so. I'm sitting at home doing nothing! Even being sick seems better as I can sleep longer (well, maybe not, I'm probably exagerating that). I just want out of this, and my mind can't help me. In yoga they say to give it up, but I don't know where to go after giving up. Where would I send myself? I can't do 12 hours of yoga a day. Even a hobby, like knitting, would be silly as sitting on the couch doing ANYthing (even blogging) is annoying, as I don't want to sit here. I'm a horrible buddha.
I can't wait for the weather to warm up again. I need it, more than anything. Please god.
