As I ran across 11th Avenue jaywalking to Sunterra this morning on my break, I realized I was almost full term, and still running to meet Justin for coffee. Of course, this came after an excruciating walk to work 2 hours earlier where I thought I might vomit or faint, holding Justin's hand as though it were my lifeline. But still, I'm not doing so badly!
Linda came over last night to consult about a painting for us. That's so exciting, both seeing her and talking about putting our beautiful photo of Waskesiu into a living painting by a friend. It will be hard to put up in the living room rather than our boy's room, but I'm sure it will be beautiful so I'll want to see it!
With one month left, that means I have only 13 shifts at the library left until June oh my! Which also means I need to use my time effectively (writing blog on break is okay though?). I'm really starting to appreciate that pregnancy is just year one of having kids, that it will be no harder or easier after this, just a different type of work. So I've been trying, with improved weather and moods lately, to just go with it, not to worry. I've really started to let go of Childless Me. Seeing photos of a former friend in Cuba didn't spur jealousy, but made me thankful I have this coming change, or that I've changed. I didn't pity her, I was happy she could enjoy her life, but that was never my life to begin with before this. So I start to see the divides clearly, rather than our commonalities, and then yearning for those commonalities that I miss, like the bikini body, the career, the travels. Instead I don't miss them and I see how this fork in the road is exactly what I've wanted all along, even though I'm complaining about it so much. I had to come this way, for it was the more difficult path and 'that has made all the difference'.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Reasons to be Grateful
1. It's a beautiful, balmy day outside, with the bright sky and sun shining brighter than we've seen in months now.
2. I don't have any problems with my hips from being pregnant.
3. I can breathe through my nose almost constantly (the stuffiness DID go away)
4. I have a loving, adorable husband who loves me
5. I have a permanent place to live in the midst of the most beautiful part of my city
6. I have a job with a great boss and coworkers who care about me
7. I will jog again, and swim, and do yoga, no matter how hopeless it seems now
8. I can go to the mountains and get away on any weekend because of my life (have the time, a car, a partner)
9. I have parents who are financially set for life, who would do anything for me
10. When I feel good, I feel like myself, which leads me to believe happiness is my true character. When I'm miserable, I feel disconnected from my spirit and body, letting me know it isn't in my true character to suffer.
2. I don't have any problems with my hips from being pregnant.
3. I can breathe through my nose almost constantly (the stuffiness DID go away)
4. I have a loving, adorable husband who loves me
5. I have a permanent place to live in the midst of the most beautiful part of my city
6. I have a job with a great boss and coworkers who care about me
7. I will jog again, and swim, and do yoga, no matter how hopeless it seems now
8. I can go to the mountains and get away on any weekend because of my life (have the time, a car, a partner)
9. I have parents who are financially set for life, who would do anything for me
10. When I feel good, I feel like myself, which leads me to believe happiness is my true character. When I'm miserable, I feel disconnected from my spirit and body, letting me know it isn't in my true character to suffer.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Nostalgic today
Last night I dreamt that instead of having my dear Charlie baby, I had quintuplets instead. When I went to work, Kathryn kept asking if I was okay, seeing I was visibly shaken, and I didn't know what to say. No one would believe me, and all 5 babies were boys, and I was totally overwhelmed. I woke up unable to sleep, which isn't new these days, and then I annoyed Justin until he couldn't sleep. But then I was very teary and emotional that he was annoyed by me, when he took the day off yesterday for chlorine in his nose from swimming, when I have legitimate baby-related insomnia and would like a little back rub or somein somein.
Anyways, this morning is shaping up to a morning of strange nostalgia, like spring memories, memories of reffing basketball, of vacation time...all sorts of fluffy good things. I'm hoping it's my mommy brain finally kicking in to give me good vibes.
I should record the last books I've read, since it's my number one hobby these days. I read Hunger Games, wasn't too impressed. The Book of Negroes was fantastic and enthralling, and then Lullabies for Little Children, which I read quickly, but I'm not sure if that was due to it's virtue or my own need for extreme distraction right now. It was a good read about Montreal at least (oh, now I'm all warm and fuzzy for montreal too!).
The whole swimming thing went really well considering I had so many objections to the idea of it. I can still swim quite well, and would have got a good workout if it wasn't for Justin's stop-starts and the busy lane. But overall I'm glad i took it easy and yes, I looked adorable, or grotesque, in my bikini.
We are taking photos this Sunday which is exciting, and the forecast is for like 10C, so I can't complain.
Anyways, this morning is shaping up to a morning of strange nostalgia, like spring memories, memories of reffing basketball, of vacation time...all sorts of fluffy good things. I'm hoping it's my mommy brain finally kicking in to give me good vibes.
I should record the last books I've read, since it's my number one hobby these days. I read Hunger Games, wasn't too impressed. The Book of Negroes was fantastic and enthralling, and then Lullabies for Little Children, which I read quickly, but I'm not sure if that was due to it's virtue or my own need for extreme distraction right now. It was a good read about Montreal at least (oh, now I'm all warm and fuzzy for montreal too!).
The whole swimming thing went really well considering I had so many objections to the idea of it. I can still swim quite well, and would have got a good workout if it wasn't for Justin's stop-starts and the busy lane. But overall I'm glad i took it easy and yes, I looked adorable, or grotesque, in my bikini.
We are taking photos this Sunday which is exciting, and the forecast is for like 10C, so I can't complain.
Friday, January 14, 2011
new lifestyle, new me???
I keep wishing for the body I used to have, the lifestyle I used to have...and I continually reassure myself that these changes are temporary. That delivering this baby will result in a reduction of crazy hormones (eventually, that might take another month), an increased immune system, and the freedom physically to move around, twist, sleep, etc.
What I haven't considered is that the person I used to be will forever be changed by these hormones and this body. I worry today that I might never want to wake up on a Saturday at 7am to go for a jog, or I might not want coffee again, that I might be too tired to join activities or see friends. It's hard for me not to dwell on the past, so I'm tightly holding on to it right now, thinking that nothing could be worse than not being able to have those things I just mentioned. It seems I should remind myself that at each point in my life, when things got "better", I had to let go of the things I thought I so thoroughly enjoyed. Some of those things now seem ridiculous, like drinking all night, working at the gym, old friendships... If I hadn't given up my addiction to the gym, with its rituals of post-gym lattes and brownies, writing in my journal, reflecting on life, etc, I never would have found yoga, a new body, a new lifestyle and all theh things I feel I'm giving up now.
Truly I have to realize that things are changing, and new loves will enter. Maybe I will become a 'walker' who loves to go walking with baby and will miss that someday. But meanwhile, I'm truly grieving those things I lost so quickly. There's this stagnant area right now where I've lost them, and nothing has replaced them. Between reading and crossword puzzles, I have a lot of time to mourn! On a positive note, painting ceramics with Bre last weekend was the best time I've had in so long that I felt old urges of addiction rising up, to capture that moment and never let go, or recreate it over and over. So there's hope that I can be happy, I just have to remember it won't come from a particular activity, drink, body size...it will come from happiness, from just loving the moment. This seems very impratical, but I can't sort out the specifics on what I mean right now.
What I haven't considered is that the person I used to be will forever be changed by these hormones and this body. I worry today that I might never want to wake up on a Saturday at 7am to go for a jog, or I might not want coffee again, that I might be too tired to join activities or see friends. It's hard for me not to dwell on the past, so I'm tightly holding on to it right now, thinking that nothing could be worse than not being able to have those things I just mentioned. It seems I should remind myself that at each point in my life, when things got "better", I had to let go of the things I thought I so thoroughly enjoyed. Some of those things now seem ridiculous, like drinking all night, working at the gym, old friendships... If I hadn't given up my addiction to the gym, with its rituals of post-gym lattes and brownies, writing in my journal, reflecting on life, etc, I never would have found yoga, a new body, a new lifestyle and all theh things I feel I'm giving up now.
Truly I have to realize that things are changing, and new loves will enter. Maybe I will become a 'walker' who loves to go walking with baby and will miss that someday. But meanwhile, I'm truly grieving those things I lost so quickly. There's this stagnant area right now where I've lost them, and nothing has replaced them. Between reading and crossword puzzles, I have a lot of time to mourn! On a positive note, painting ceramics with Bre last weekend was the best time I've had in so long that I felt old urges of addiction rising up, to capture that moment and never let go, or recreate it over and over. So there's hope that I can be happy, I just have to remember it won't come from a particular activity, drink, body size...it will come from happiness, from just loving the moment. This seems very impratical, but I can't sort out the specifics on what I mean right now.
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