Nausea Nausea

Today might have been the worst daytime nausea so far, usually it's been at night before bed. It definitely makes one wonder why the f would I want to do this? Or more so, where did I get the idea pregnancy was going to be fun? Guess cuz no one mentions they are prego until after this awful period passes.

Ran into Megan the old hairdresser today. She's ready to pop, and I don't say that often. It was awful seeing her! It actually made me nauseas.

Anyways, grateful for the homes in Hillhurst, the beautiful trees and gorgeous flowers. I've been walking more and more up and down those streets, fighting the nausea, taking slow steps. It helps, and I love it.

Week 7

Oh, indigestion, what a treat. I seem to be back on a Bad Gall Bladder Diet. Stay away from spice, fat, heavy carbs, so mainly delicious things. I woke up still feeling gross, and wow, was I tired and grumpy. But in the shower, I felt so hopeful, I even came up with a gameplan. Maybe I could look for a job, and by the 6 Month old stage, we could jet to some small place in BC; and Justin could take over paternity leave for the next 6 months (or forever?).

Things kept going good, for a Monday. Toast tasted great, a london fog from insomnia, but then Paul talked to me and things went downhill. But I still feel better having some inspiration.

On the way home from work I was such a bitch, but even after that, J massaged my feet, my body, then ran out for Chinese as requested (in the cold rain). I am so grateful for a husband who tolerates my bad moods, who knows I am more than a bad mood.

Oh, I'm also grateful to receive a beautiful card from Steph and Roger in the mail. It made me desire stationary and to write back!

Great day:)

Grumpy to Yay!

Woke up so grumpy and heartburn-y. But in the shower I came up with a marvellous, and perhaps undoable plan, but I needed some light at the end of the tunnel. I called J in to the bathroom, a consistent meeting place for us to discuss the future, me in the shower, him looking at me by standing on the toilet.
but then I realized I wanted to wait until Toast time to discuss. So I got my toast, corn millet bread with fake butter and blueberry organic jam. Then I told him. We would have the baby, then I would diligently search for jobs in BC, and at 6 months we would move to a small town in BC (affordable because it's small right?) and J would tend the baby while I worked in our new lives in BC. Yep.

J reminded me over toast about our first date, running to Safeway to pick up jam for me to have toast. I was a girl who loved her jam on toast. Still am. Probably because it makes me so happy. And not heartburn-y.

Relationships

What friends do you have?
My mom and my mom-in-law....who else? It's up to me to build these relationships.

5 weeks 4 days

We've been watching "Dexter" online...it's a show about a serial killer who only kills bad guys. It's gruesome, not sure if this helps me. Weird contrast to "baby-growing"...hmm, that makes me sound like a planetarium doesn't it?

I'm stressed about school, not having time for me right now. I know this will pass, but I hate disappointing my partners. I forgot the papers to phone for my ultrasound and blood work to check this bleeding thingy. Not sure how I can do it tomorrow without a cell and being at school all freaking night.

We were going to head for a backpacking trip this weekend, but with school, and Justin wanting a relaxing weekend, we decided against it. The mosquito forecast played a large part as well in not going. I feel bad I don't have time for Justin on his birthday weekend, but this whole summer seems like a bust for us.

Justin is getting too noisy listening to me type the mysterious blog. Should return my focus to the serial killer show now;)

5 weeks 3 days

Today I went to Dr. Nandi, the half-ass doctor downtown, in the sketchy mission medical clinic. They formally tested my pee, what little I could give, for a formal prognosis of pregnancy. I never thought I would allow this test, but after twice halfing bleeding, including last night, any confirmation of pregnancy was a relief. But it also freaked the hell out of me. I was terrified too.

Watched a ted talk on happiness from the one self, the experiencing self, and the other self, the recalling self. Would you go back and do a vacation based only on the experience, having amenesia and no photos? I wonder about the "trip" of pregnancy, not saying it has to top the radar. Also wondering about having kids, whether THIS is something that you experience as happiness, or if it is the promise of memories. I'm so embarassed to say it has mainly been the promise of memories, like I'm planning a freaking trip to Africa. How embarassing. But without knowing whether I will enjoy the experience, I can't say yet. I know I wanted the experience of being pregnant, as I desired the opportunity to indulge in yoga, sleep, healthy food, time with Justin.

In a similar vein, I'm really wanting to do yoga, even though the doc said to have bedrest. Unfortunately I won't follow that order, I will stay active, I know my body. Sex IS out of the question very, very sadly. Good thing Justin got hit in the nuts at soccer tonight.

Reprieve from worry and family

I thought before I left that my stress and worry was at an all-time high. But of course, spending time with my quality stress family proved me wrong. No, there were no dramatics, nothing happened of any consequence. But my impatience, my aggression and my hostility, to mention a few, were at the forefront of my trip "back home." To have all my weaknesses spread out like a buffet for my dad to pounce and chew on definitely dampened any worries about babies. And having my young niece around, screaming, upset to be with anyone other than mama or dada definitely turned worries of not being able to conceive a baby into worries of having to take care of this baby.

While it is dad's birthday today, I can't help but allow childish stubborn tendencies to cloud any gifts of birthday greetings from me to him. He is so disatisfied with me as his offspring, but I don't think he sees these feelings. His own 94-year old mother cannot express her feelings, instead commenting how "everyone looks so happy" then later "everyone is so happy, but then it wears off, it diminishes". She was utterly projecting her feelings onto the Sunday afternoon crowd at the local small town Coop! And to expect my dad to express himself!

For me to detach myself from my dad's own disastisfaction, I have to detach myself from my father being my father at all, and everything that entails. What does it mean to have a father? What projections do I still carry out because of his hopes and dreams thrust onto me? I know it is inconceivable, but I return home thankful to be away from my family, to be away from their complete attachment to me. To how they define themselves relative to me. I see they also wish to get away from this, and sometimes I think they like to blame me for moving far away as a convenient place to criticize me from, but I think they would hate for me to be there, close to them, never allowing them to grow past "mom" and "dad". So that is my gift to you today dad. I am not there, you are not even there, travelling to your far away workplace in the small town. i give you the freedom to be anything you would like to be, to grow into any potential energy form you wish. Not to have me limit your growth, not expecting you to be anything more than another spirit disguised as a human for this short time on Earth. I let go of you dad, fly away! Oh, and I did refrain from eating that pie mom made so you could devour it in whole over this week, didn't I?!