Yesterday was our one year anniversary. I'd like to pretend it was a great day, just like the original day, but I cannot lie to you, my devoted blog page. My mom actually reminded me that the day was nigh, and I made a point of mentioning it in yet another fit-o-rage to J, thus concreting our ability to remember at all!
It was -17 yesterday, no sun. I went in to work, at least feeling great for once, and my dearest J drove me in the morning. He spent the day sneezing at home and watching mobster movie marathons, while I spent the day fiddling with population projections and googling more baby stuff to freak myself out. After work, at the honest hour of 3:45pm, J picked me up in Jigs and we went to pick up our wedding print. Only one year behind, but at least it coincided with the idea that a One Year gift is paper/photo frame. Traffic was great since few people work over this week.
We spent some time at London Drugs with the photo, as they had to do a reprint to get the contrast softer, then we hopped over to Indigo books to grab 2 New York Times crossword puzzle books, more to the occasion of "Paper" gifts. Then we went to Earls, courtesy of J's mom's Xmas gift to us, and had two greasy non-vegetarian meals of Fish & Chips (me) and Huge Burger and mushroom soup (J). No dessert for this fat girl, but we did enjoy Cokes and Shirley Temples with our meals. I'll let you figure out who had what there.
We came home and watched a brand new show on tv called Addiction showcasing weird addicitions. That episode was on a woman eating tp, another sleeping with her blowdryer, etc etc. But we also sat on the chaisse together, as J is aiming to break it in, and we did more crosswording than tv-watching. The "easy" book we bought was still difficult and we cheated considerably.
Besides a big bath for me (J had already taken one by himself that day) and a phone call from Momma Smale, the day was uneventful. J finished his book on Pat Tileman (sp) and I almost got to the end of Water for Elephants.
I woke up at a decent hour of 6am intead of 4am for my pee-break, and we had some good snuggling before having to get up so I could drag myself in for another day of slacking.
I hope one day we can read back over all the anniversaries and I will be less bitter about the pregnancy. Maybe we'll do it while sipping martinis in Mexico some day? Um, I'm not kidding. It would make up for a non-tropical wedding if we could do the majority of our anniversaries in a tropical setting n'est-ce pas?
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Caution!
Hey little boy,
It's hard to dispense advice, because it's usually useless. The 'head fake' strategy that "the Last Lecture" guy (google him!) gave is a better tactic, but I don't have the energy to manipulate my advice into an interesting story.
My advice is that when you're all grown up, married and planning a family, please set aside money for your wife/gf/common-in-law so she doesn't feel she has to work through her pregnancy. Of course, this fund is also called an emergency fund, and is used throughout your life for all sorts of not-being-able-to-work situations, but I think the problem is that you wouldn't consider pregnancy an emergency. I'll bet you marry someone who doesn't have this issue, or you live somewhere like Hawaii where no one gets sick, but right now, if I knew I could take 2 weeks to recover from Christmas/a minor cold, I would. But I can't put that weight on your pops. Don't worry, he's been doing all our cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, but I can't ask more of him in this way.
I hope you have a life where money isn't such an impediment to happiness. Or health. I hope you are so strong whether that means athletic, or strong mentally so you don't have stress killing you like it does me. And I hope you never feel bound to stay somewhere if you're unhappy, even if I beg you to stay.
Back to my advice, I get a little mushy sometimes. Joint bank account, and tell her you put aside this much for her. Do it as a surprise (set up a different account obviously). Think of it like an engagement ring fund, but one that will actually make her feel cared for and supported, rather than superficially above her friend with this or that diamond. Seems smart to me, doubt your gf/wife will understand.
It's hard to dispense advice, because it's usually useless. The 'head fake' strategy that "the Last Lecture" guy (google him!) gave is a better tactic, but I don't have the energy to manipulate my advice into an interesting story.
My advice is that when you're all grown up, married and planning a family, please set aside money for your wife/gf/common-in-law so she doesn't feel she has to work through her pregnancy. Of course, this fund is also called an emergency fund, and is used throughout your life for all sorts of not-being-able-to-work situations, but I think the problem is that you wouldn't consider pregnancy an emergency. I'll bet you marry someone who doesn't have this issue, or you live somewhere like Hawaii where no one gets sick, but right now, if I knew I could take 2 weeks to recover from Christmas/a minor cold, I would. But I can't put that weight on your pops. Don't worry, he's been doing all our cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, but I can't ask more of him in this way.
I hope you have a life where money isn't such an impediment to happiness. Or health. I hope you are so strong whether that means athletic, or strong mentally so you don't have stress killing you like it does me. And I hope you never feel bound to stay somewhere if you're unhappy, even if I beg you to stay.
Back to my advice, I get a little mushy sometimes. Joint bank account, and tell her you put aside this much for her. Do it as a surprise (set up a different account obviously). Think of it like an engagement ring fund, but one that will actually make her feel cared for and supported, rather than superficially above her friend with this or that diamond. Seems smart to me, doubt your gf/wife will understand.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Scared?
I haven't posted anything for awhile...maybe because my every thought and emotion is consumed by the fear around having the baby. It probably didn't help to dwell on it over the 8 days I was sick at home, watching "the Baby Story", "I didn't know I was Pregnant", "16 and Pregnant", etc, etc. But on the other hand, I know I'm avoiding some major fears, but I'm having a lot of trouble putting my finger on it.
One huge worry is my health. I know I'll recover from the childbirth, I know we'll both be healthy, but until then, I worry about having to take a day off, and I worry about baby/kid germs afterwards too. Seeing Ailish post on her Facebook about her kids who are sick vomitting with diarrhea certainly hasn't helped. I barely make it to the doctor when I'm sick due to long lines, outrageous conditions in the medi-clinics (dirty and unsanitary, rude staff), so it's hard to think of all the things I'll have to do afterwards like finding a family doctor for me and the babe.
In terms of my exercise, I feel like a big old bear sometimes, unable to do anything without some incontinence or that feeling of having to go, but not being able to. Jogging has become really uncomfortable. My jacket doesn't fit. I am scared to x-ski in case I fall. I don't want to swim because of my weak immune system and dry eyes...the list goes on. It's so hard to focus "on the positive" because frankly I don't see anything positive right now.
Going to the home of loved one but knowing they are smoking in the house (but opening the window, which has the effect of driving the smoke IN to the house) has caused more stress as I won't be leaving myself or the baby at their house if they're doing that. Seriously! I wish I was more like my cousin Jessica, able to shrug off difficulty so easily. Yet I read in a book that worrying is sometimes good for having a baby. But I am having trouble putting that worry into things I can fix, or even understand.
The only positive thigns are news I might have a ft job afterwards, and Justin could stay home for 3-6 months. but again, this scares me because I hate to put Justin in the position of running himself ragged once more. And I feel like a bad mom! And I'm not even a mom yet :(
Also, I've been doing a lot of baking/prep for baking. At least this is something I can "lose myself" in, and see a tangible outcome (well, for a while until it's all eaten up!).
With Justin home over the holidays, hopefully my mind is more at ease when we have cleaned up the baby's room, bought some 2nd hand stuff, and learned a little more about what we need for the baby. And starting our birthing classes should help too. In the meantime...stressball.
One huge worry is my health. I know I'll recover from the childbirth, I know we'll both be healthy, but until then, I worry about having to take a day off, and I worry about baby/kid germs afterwards too. Seeing Ailish post on her Facebook about her kids who are sick vomitting with diarrhea certainly hasn't helped. I barely make it to the doctor when I'm sick due to long lines, outrageous conditions in the medi-clinics (dirty and unsanitary, rude staff), so it's hard to think of all the things I'll have to do afterwards like finding a family doctor for me and the babe.
In terms of my exercise, I feel like a big old bear sometimes, unable to do anything without some incontinence or that feeling of having to go, but not being able to. Jogging has become really uncomfortable. My jacket doesn't fit. I am scared to x-ski in case I fall. I don't want to swim because of my weak immune system and dry eyes...the list goes on. It's so hard to focus "on the positive" because frankly I don't see anything positive right now.
Going to the home of loved one but knowing they are smoking in the house (but opening the window, which has the effect of driving the smoke IN to the house) has caused more stress as I won't be leaving myself or the baby at their house if they're doing that. Seriously! I wish I was more like my cousin Jessica, able to shrug off difficulty so easily. Yet I read in a book that worrying is sometimes good for having a baby. But I am having trouble putting that worry into things I can fix, or even understand.
The only positive thigns are news I might have a ft job afterwards, and Justin could stay home for 3-6 months. but again, this scares me because I hate to put Justin in the position of running himself ragged once more. And I feel like a bad mom! And I'm not even a mom yet :(
Also, I've been doing a lot of baking/prep for baking. At least this is something I can "lose myself" in, and see a tangible outcome (well, for a while until it's all eaten up!).
With Justin home over the holidays, hopefully my mind is more at ease when we have cleaned up the baby's room, bought some 2nd hand stuff, and learned a little more about what we need for the baby. And starting our birthing classes should help too. In the meantime...stressball.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
kicker
the little guy started kicking last Monday while I was sitting at the desk. He's been kicking pretty strong since then, J can even feel it.
In other news, the election results made me feel better about life here, even though the mayor now strongly ressembles an ex boyfriend who is deranged....
Last night we went to Forces of Nature, a doc about David Suzuki. In one scene David quotes someone by saying that "the most revolutionary words you can say are 'I'm staying'". He meant that deciding to protect and love the land you are on is a huge revolutionary step. I don't know about this, but it keeps going over in my head that neither me nor Justin can say this. I might google this quote to find out more about the meaning.
Lately I've been eating a lot of Good Earth Cafe's "Seed Rolls", an organic flour cinnamon (sticky) bun that is rolled in poppy seeds, pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds. I have no idea if it's good for me, but I think it's the seeds I've been craving. And having them in a sticky sugary mixture makes them easy to swallow.
As for aches and pains, my right ribs are killing me (google says this is normal). So I'm being proactive by getting back into regular exercise with push-ups, chin-ups, lunges and most recently, I added wall-sitting. Damn, it kills my quads! Right in the middle, which is really hard to stretch in any saddle variation. I really gave it my all teaching yesterday and felt incredible from stretching and doing core. I also ran to teach and home although there was a lot of walking. Later in the night I felt a little 'funny' but sometimes this is just gas causing discomfort. Either way, it followed my headstand attempt, which felt bad at the time too!
In other news, the election results made me feel better about life here, even though the mayor now strongly ressembles an ex boyfriend who is deranged....
Last night we went to Forces of Nature, a doc about David Suzuki. In one scene David quotes someone by saying that "the most revolutionary words you can say are 'I'm staying'". He meant that deciding to protect and love the land you are on is a huge revolutionary step. I don't know about this, but it keeps going over in my head that neither me nor Justin can say this. I might google this quote to find out more about the meaning.
Lately I've been eating a lot of Good Earth Cafe's "Seed Rolls", an organic flour cinnamon (sticky) bun that is rolled in poppy seeds, pumpkin seeds and sunflower seeds. I have no idea if it's good for me, but I think it's the seeds I've been craving. And having them in a sticky sugary mixture makes them easy to swallow.
As for aches and pains, my right ribs are killing me (google says this is normal). So I'm being proactive by getting back into regular exercise with push-ups, chin-ups, lunges and most recently, I added wall-sitting. Damn, it kills my quads! Right in the middle, which is really hard to stretch in any saddle variation. I really gave it my all teaching yesterday and felt incredible from stretching and doing core. I also ran to teach and home although there was a lot of walking. Later in the night I felt a little 'funny' but sometimes this is just gas causing discomfort. Either way, it followed my headstand attempt, which felt bad at the time too!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
First kicks
Yesterday morning I felt the baby's very first kicks. I felt something in the morning, as me and Justin snuggled and refused to get up, but I didn't want to jinx it by telling him. Then, as I sat in the office reading about baby's development at 21 weeks, I clearly felt 3 kicks right in the centreline of my body, just above my pubic bone!
Last night as we settled down on the couch, the baby got active again and we tried to see if Justin could feel it. He couldn't, but we tried again in bed, as he kept kicking, and Justin could tell each time the baby kicked! It was so amazing to share that with Justin, and to have it happen.
I did wake up at 2am with bad congestion, and it seemed the baby was doing some jui-jitsu on me too, but my irritable state might have exaggerated that. Either way, nothing really this morning. I miss it when it's gone, but find it a little "instrusive" when it happens. So cool. Either way, I'm so darned tired from last night's bad sleep that I can barely muster the excitement I felt yesterday. Can't wait for bed tonight.
Off to Banff with J tomorrow for another of his Eco conference thingies. Not sure what I'll do, I don't think my massage lady does prenatal. Maybe some yoga and shopping for more tights/dresses now that I have my kickass boots to wear with those ensembles.
Last night as we settled down on the couch, the baby got active again and we tried to see if Justin could feel it. He couldn't, but we tried again in bed, as he kept kicking, and Justin could tell each time the baby kicked! It was so amazing to share that with Justin, and to have it happen.
I did wake up at 2am with bad congestion, and it seemed the baby was doing some jui-jitsu on me too, but my irritable state might have exaggerated that. Either way, nothing really this morning. I miss it when it's gone, but find it a little "instrusive" when it happens. So cool. Either way, I'm so darned tired from last night's bad sleep that I can barely muster the excitement I felt yesterday. Can't wait for bed tonight.
Off to Banff with J tomorrow for another of his Eco conference thingies. Not sure what I'll do, I don't think my massage lady does prenatal. Maybe some yoga and shopping for more tights/dresses now that I have my kickass boots to wear with those ensembles.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Jogging at 17 weeks
I turned 17 weeks prego yesterday, and in one hour I'll be heading out for my 5km jog over my lunch hour. I have to jog pretty slow, as it feels like running on a full stomach, but without that sloshing feeling. In other words, this might be what extra fat feels like for those carrying it around. It's not that bad, and i could probably run even faster if I was 'just fat' , but there is an extra unpleasant sensation of ligaments that are loose and getting looser as I run.
Overall, I would recommend jogging at this stage, especially because it takes me outside into the (sometimes) sunny day, keeps my face nicely tanned, and with our cool weather this year, I don't overheat in any way.
Otherwise, I have started walking over riding the bike to work, so that adds an extra 6 kilometres of speed-walking into my day. Often the walking is more difficult than the jogging, maybe because my lazy run has less bounce than my energetic walk? But overall I'm getting around 11km of fun into my day.
I would love to have access to free weights 3 times a week to keep the upper body in shape. I stopped the chinups over a month ago, as I can't modify them, and it caused an immediate reaction in my belly that told me "uh uh lady". I started doing pushups from my knees, or one knee, but lately I've been undermotivated to do these, mainly because I don't feel it's enough so I don't want to do it at all!
Prenatal yoga is okay, as Audra has up doing Sun Salutations which gives me a chance to work the upper body, but it's only once a week. I might get to teach prenatal at Sanguine soon, but knowing sanguine, it might not happen at all. This would really give me motivation to stay strong, as a role model to the others, but we'll see.
I would love to work out with Jenn at the UofC if she went a little earlier, but I noticed that amongst a mainly male student body, I felt out of place in my street clothes even. I think the stares would be enough to stop me from going.
The pants are getting to be an issue, but luckily my spandex is mainly comfortable still. The work pants have become the main problem, so I'm sitting in the office with the fly open sometimes, or slouched way down in my chair. I am definitely procrastinating with buying new ones. I can't imagine new pants will be stylish, stupid maternity wear.
Overall, I would recommend jogging at this stage, especially because it takes me outside into the (sometimes) sunny day, keeps my face nicely tanned, and with our cool weather this year, I don't overheat in any way.
Otherwise, I have started walking over riding the bike to work, so that adds an extra 6 kilometres of speed-walking into my day. Often the walking is more difficult than the jogging, maybe because my lazy run has less bounce than my energetic walk? But overall I'm getting around 11km of fun into my day.
I would love to have access to free weights 3 times a week to keep the upper body in shape. I stopped the chinups over a month ago, as I can't modify them, and it caused an immediate reaction in my belly that told me "uh uh lady". I started doing pushups from my knees, or one knee, but lately I've been undermotivated to do these, mainly because I don't feel it's enough so I don't want to do it at all!
Prenatal yoga is okay, as Audra has up doing Sun Salutations which gives me a chance to work the upper body, but it's only once a week. I might get to teach prenatal at Sanguine soon, but knowing sanguine, it might not happen at all. This would really give me motivation to stay strong, as a role model to the others, but we'll see.
I would love to work out with Jenn at the UofC if she went a little earlier, but I noticed that amongst a mainly male student body, I felt out of place in my street clothes even. I think the stares would be enough to stop me from going.
The pants are getting to be an issue, but luckily my spandex is mainly comfortable still. The work pants have become the main problem, so I'm sitting in the office with the fly open sometimes, or slouched way down in my chair. I am definitely procrastinating with buying new ones. I can't imagine new pants will be stylish, stupid maternity wear.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Happiness
Starting my second book into happiness...funny I feel I'm re-reading a lot, which makes me think Gretchin took a lot of the same resources this new guy is using in his book.
Last night, while J was away and I had the most lethargic evening of my life, i read before bed about the 3 ways to get over an unfortunate cortical gene...by using meditation, cognitive therapy and prozac (under the umbrella of all ssri's). Even the author had used Prozac and had to stop because of the side-effects, but was a firm believer in it's aesthetic improvements to a person's potential. He compared it to breast implants or contact lenses, for the brain. Being one of those unlucky draws in the cortex area, it made me reconsider my use of ssri's, or the decision to stop using them actually. I've had such horrible experiences in the last year with friends, that I've either repressed these experiences, and managed to relive them exactly each time I do that, or I've been distressed for weeks due to the experience. I admit to feeling hopeless, and cognitive therapy did nothing, as the teacher is the limiting factor, and my therapists have been sub-par in providing any way for me to work on the areas at home besides just believing I'm okay (this is not a legitimate tool for working on a problem).
Anyways, I'm coming to terms with the baby, or becoming a mother. I looked up au pairs today, to see what that is all about, and although we don't really have a space for one in our new place, I was just happy that there is the option of bringing more people into our lives as a result of the baby. The chance to try new things, and to experience new people is encouraging.
Last night, while J was away and I had the most lethargic evening of my life, i read before bed about the 3 ways to get over an unfortunate cortical gene...by using meditation, cognitive therapy and prozac (under the umbrella of all ssri's). Even the author had used Prozac and had to stop because of the side-effects, but was a firm believer in it's aesthetic improvements to a person's potential. He compared it to breast implants or contact lenses, for the brain. Being one of those unlucky draws in the cortex area, it made me reconsider my use of ssri's, or the decision to stop using them actually. I've had such horrible experiences in the last year with friends, that I've either repressed these experiences, and managed to relive them exactly each time I do that, or I've been distressed for weeks due to the experience. I admit to feeling hopeless, and cognitive therapy did nothing, as the teacher is the limiting factor, and my therapists have been sub-par in providing any way for me to work on the areas at home besides just believing I'm okay (this is not a legitimate tool for working on a problem).
Anyways, I'm coming to terms with the baby, or becoming a mother. I looked up au pairs today, to see what that is all about, and although we don't really have a space for one in our new place, I was just happy that there is the option of bringing more people into our lives as a result of the baby. The chance to try new things, and to experience new people is encouraging.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Craving Coke
Oh little one, I promised not to indulge in the outmost of food sins so that you would not have the same guilt I have when my mom tells me of her own pregnancy sins. But alas, with coffee firmly disgusting to me at this point, I have reluctantly, or rather, embracingly, started to drink Coke. I know it's bad for me, but I'm guessing the caffeine I crave is so entrenched in my body that here I am guzzling this pop that I honestly have drank maybe 3 times in my whole life. Well, give me some credit, I drank more than my share in the form of rum and Coke at certain occassions, but never alone. Not that I despise the idea of Coke, although I despise the idea of addictions, I despise the fizziness, the sugar, and the complete gut rot that results. But I can't stop. it's day Three of this madness, so let's hope mamma gets back onto tea and coffee soon, the latter being something you won't understand why until you go to college.
In the meantime, my nausea has receeded somewhat, I made A meal the other night consisting of sweet and sour pineapple chicken, a recipe from deep within the Puff family archives, I guess I was returning to comfort foods. Oh, i made a stew on the weekend, well, half. I got sick chopping and was in the bathroom too long to continue. But your pops finished it up as usual. I did do a few fruit crisps, something I hope you will love as much as me when you're older. Your dad doesn't understand my obsession with fruit crisps, but i think you will. It's like a cookie with fruit, who doesn't love that?
We're going on a vacation/honeymoon in 5 days and ohboy am I excited. I'm more excited for you to be honest (I never thought I would say that, considering the complete fear I have of you at this point), but I'm still pretty stoked to spend a week with your dad hanging at the lake, reading books, going to a yoga class in hippieville Nelson, and lolling about with coffees, er, cokes.
Much love to you little one. You passed your first test, the down's syndrome marker test, with flying colours. They measured you and you're one day bigger than you should be for your age haha! Kay, let's not get too big now though kay? And you are 53 mm. When you get to grade 2 I'll show you how big that is and maybe you'll understand. Small. Yet we were deliriously happy to see you on the ultrasound. The next u/s is in 6 weeks and we'll hopefully know if you're a boy or girl. Considering I'm writing to you, I think a girl would want to read this more, but who knows? I am going to be hapy either way, never thought I'd say that either.
In the meantime, my nausea has receeded somewhat, I made A meal the other night consisting of sweet and sour pineapple chicken, a recipe from deep within the Puff family archives, I guess I was returning to comfort foods. Oh, i made a stew on the weekend, well, half. I got sick chopping and was in the bathroom too long to continue. But your pops finished it up as usual. I did do a few fruit crisps, something I hope you will love as much as me when you're older. Your dad doesn't understand my obsession with fruit crisps, but i think you will. It's like a cookie with fruit, who doesn't love that?
We're going on a vacation/honeymoon in 5 days and ohboy am I excited. I'm more excited for you to be honest (I never thought I would say that, considering the complete fear I have of you at this point), but I'm still pretty stoked to spend a week with your dad hanging at the lake, reading books, going to a yoga class in hippieville Nelson, and lolling about with coffees, er, cokes.
Much love to you little one. You passed your first test, the down's syndrome marker test, with flying colours. They measured you and you're one day bigger than you should be for your age haha! Kay, let's not get too big now though kay? And you are 53 mm. When you get to grade 2 I'll show you how big that is and maybe you'll understand. Small. Yet we were deliriously happy to see you on the ultrasound. The next u/s is in 6 weeks and we'll hopefully know if you're a boy or girl. Considering I'm writing to you, I think a girl would want to read this more, but who knows? I am going to be hapy either way, never thought I'd say that either.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Your daddy!
Sometimes I accuse J of being selfish, or not caring for me.
This morning I realized the error of my ways as I was blowdrying my hair (of course, this is the best place to have meaningful epiphanies, second only to the bathtub and just ahead of the toilet).
1. Your pops sets our alarm to 6:30am everynight when he gets into bed, even though it is closer to me. I used to think it was because he was more paranoid about it being on, but I know he enjoys doing this for me.
2. When our alarm goes off, he gets up. He doesn't have to get up until 7:15am, but he gets up early with me.
3. He does the dishes from the night before.
4. He makes my lunch.
5. He puts my toast in.
Then, if he has time, he pulls his guitar down and plays for a little bit, until I invariably say "J...can you grab me this thing or that thing?" and he always does that for me.
Then we bike or walk to work together. I try and hold the door for his bike, as a tiny token for him. He used to steal a kiss from me as I went into the library, but the doormen are so creepy, i got him to stop this habit.
Then he emails me "cafe?" or calls me at 9:30am to walk to the coffee shop between our work places.
6. He buys me a cafe, or muffin. He gets himself the cheap black coffee, I get the overpriced lattes.
7. At lunch we'll jog together, eat together, or if I'm teaching yoga, he will wait outside the building, just to walk back to the library with me or down the block.
Every single day. Love him
This morning I realized the error of my ways as I was blowdrying my hair (of course, this is the best place to have meaningful epiphanies, second only to the bathtub and just ahead of the toilet).
1. Your pops sets our alarm to 6:30am everynight when he gets into bed, even though it is closer to me. I used to think it was because he was more paranoid about it being on, but I know he enjoys doing this for me.
2. When our alarm goes off, he gets up. He doesn't have to get up until 7:15am, but he gets up early with me.
3. He does the dishes from the night before.
4. He makes my lunch.
5. He puts my toast in.
Then, if he has time, he pulls his guitar down and plays for a little bit, until I invariably say "J...can you grab me this thing or that thing?" and he always does that for me.
Then we bike or walk to work together. I try and hold the door for his bike, as a tiny token for him. He used to steal a kiss from me as I went into the library, but the doormen are so creepy, i got him to stop this habit.
Then he emails me "cafe?" or calls me at 9:30am to walk to the coffee shop between our work places.
6. He buys me a cafe, or muffin. He gets himself the cheap black coffee, I get the overpriced lattes.
7. At lunch we'll jog together, eat together, or if I'm teaching yoga, he will wait outside the building, just to walk back to the library with me or down the block.
Every single day. Love him
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Making me Sick!
Oh baby!
I never imagined I would be affected by any of those pregnancy symptoms involving morning sickness, but alas, for the past 3 weeks baby, we have had some serious heartburn/nausea. Your momma is strong though, to a fault usually, and I have not thrown up once (cross my fingers). There's nothing wrong with it I guess, but your mom hates throwing up perhaps more than anything!
So i haven't written for a long time because I usually write at night before bed, but the nausea has made me a big grumpy scaredy-cat at nights, watching LOST with your dad on the internet. We pretend like we don't watch tv, but we make up for it by watching "free" tv online. Maybe by the time you're old enough to watch tv, all of this will have changed. But soon enough we'll be 'normal' people, with real cable, when we move from our tiny little apartment into our new condo. I hope you like it there, but I'm sure you won't even notice it. By the time you're old enough to care, I will bet we are living in a house so you can run around with mom in the backyard.
I see photos of my friends' kids and I really hope you are a girl, because they have girls and it looks so fun to have a playmate for mom! But on the other hand, secretely I think I want you to be a boy, because boys are tough, and seem to be more adaptable to strange situations (like no cable tv haha). Either way, the suspense is killing me and it's only 11 weeks. You and me still have 29 more weeks to go, hola!
Bye kiddo, I'm thinking about you today:)
I never imagined I would be affected by any of those pregnancy symptoms involving morning sickness, but alas, for the past 3 weeks baby, we have had some serious heartburn/nausea. Your momma is strong though, to a fault usually, and I have not thrown up once (cross my fingers). There's nothing wrong with it I guess, but your mom hates throwing up perhaps more than anything!
So i haven't written for a long time because I usually write at night before bed, but the nausea has made me a big grumpy scaredy-cat at nights, watching LOST with your dad on the internet. We pretend like we don't watch tv, but we make up for it by watching "free" tv online. Maybe by the time you're old enough to watch tv, all of this will have changed. But soon enough we'll be 'normal' people, with real cable, when we move from our tiny little apartment into our new condo. I hope you like it there, but I'm sure you won't even notice it. By the time you're old enough to care, I will bet we are living in a house so you can run around with mom in the backyard.
I see photos of my friends' kids and I really hope you are a girl, because they have girls and it looks so fun to have a playmate for mom! But on the other hand, secretely I think I want you to be a boy, because boys are tough, and seem to be more adaptable to strange situations (like no cable tv haha). Either way, the suspense is killing me and it's only 11 weeks. You and me still have 29 more weeks to go, hola!
Bye kiddo, I'm thinking about you today:)
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Nausea Nausea
Today might have been the worst daytime nausea so far, usually it's been at night before bed. It definitely makes one wonder why the f would I want to do this? Or more so, where did I get the idea pregnancy was going to be fun? Guess cuz no one mentions they are prego until after this awful period passes.
Ran into Megan the old hairdresser today. She's ready to pop, and I don't say that often. It was awful seeing her! It actually made me nauseas.
Anyways, grateful for the homes in Hillhurst, the beautiful trees and gorgeous flowers. I've been walking more and more up and down those streets, fighting the nausea, taking slow steps. It helps, and I love it.
Ran into Megan the old hairdresser today. She's ready to pop, and I don't say that often. It was awful seeing her! It actually made me nauseas.
Anyways, grateful for the homes in Hillhurst, the beautiful trees and gorgeous flowers. I've been walking more and more up and down those streets, fighting the nausea, taking slow steps. It helps, and I love it.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Week 7
Oh, indigestion, what a treat. I seem to be back on a Bad Gall Bladder Diet. Stay away from spice, fat, heavy carbs, so mainly delicious things. I woke up still feeling gross, and wow, was I tired and grumpy. But in the shower, I felt so hopeful, I even came up with a gameplan. Maybe I could look for a job, and by the 6 Month old stage, we could jet to some small place in BC; and Justin could take over paternity leave for the next 6 months (or forever?).
Things kept going good, for a Monday. Toast tasted great, a london fog from insomnia, but then Paul talked to me and things went downhill. But I still feel better having some inspiration.
On the way home from work I was such a bitch, but even after that, J massaged my feet, my body, then ran out for Chinese as requested (in the cold rain). I am so grateful for a husband who tolerates my bad moods, who knows I am more than a bad mood.
Oh, I'm also grateful to receive a beautiful card from Steph and Roger in the mail. It made me desire stationary and to write back!
Great day:)
Things kept going good, for a Monday. Toast tasted great, a london fog from insomnia, but then Paul talked to me and things went downhill. But I still feel better having some inspiration.
On the way home from work I was such a bitch, but even after that, J massaged my feet, my body, then ran out for Chinese as requested (in the cold rain). I am so grateful for a husband who tolerates my bad moods, who knows I am more than a bad mood.
Oh, I'm also grateful to receive a beautiful card from Steph and Roger in the mail. It made me desire stationary and to write back!
Great day:)
Grumpy to Yay!
Woke up so grumpy and heartburn-y. But in the shower I came up with a marvellous, and perhaps undoable plan, but I needed some light at the end of the tunnel. I called J in to the bathroom, a consistent meeting place for us to discuss the future, me in the shower, him looking at me by standing on the toilet.
but then I realized I wanted to wait until Toast time to discuss. So I got my toast, corn millet bread with fake butter and blueberry organic jam. Then I told him. We would have the baby, then I would diligently search for jobs in BC, and at 6 months we would move to a small town in BC (affordable because it's small right?) and J would tend the baby while I worked in our new lives in BC. Yep.
J reminded me over toast about our first date, running to Safeway to pick up jam for me to have toast. I was a girl who loved her jam on toast. Still am. Probably because it makes me so happy. And not heartburn-y.
but then I realized I wanted to wait until Toast time to discuss. So I got my toast, corn millet bread with fake butter and blueberry organic jam. Then I told him. We would have the baby, then I would diligently search for jobs in BC, and at 6 months we would move to a small town in BC (affordable because it's small right?) and J would tend the baby while I worked in our new lives in BC. Yep.
J reminded me over toast about our first date, running to Safeway to pick up jam for me to have toast. I was a girl who loved her jam on toast. Still am. Probably because it makes me so happy. And not heartburn-y.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Relationships
What friends do you have?
My mom and my mom-in-law....who else? It's up to me to build these relationships.
My mom and my mom-in-law....who else? It's up to me to build these relationships.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
5 weeks 4 days
We've been watching "Dexter" online...it's a show about a serial killer who only kills bad guys. It's gruesome, not sure if this helps me. Weird contrast to "baby-growing"...hmm, that makes me sound like a planetarium doesn't it?
I'm stressed about school, not having time for me right now. I know this will pass, but I hate disappointing my partners. I forgot the papers to phone for my ultrasound and blood work to check this bleeding thingy. Not sure how I can do it tomorrow without a cell and being at school all freaking night.
We were going to head for a backpacking trip this weekend, but with school, and Justin wanting a relaxing weekend, we decided against it. The mosquito forecast played a large part as well in not going. I feel bad I don't have time for Justin on his birthday weekend, but this whole summer seems like a bust for us.
Justin is getting too noisy listening to me type the mysterious blog. Should return my focus to the serial killer show now;)
I'm stressed about school, not having time for me right now. I know this will pass, but I hate disappointing my partners. I forgot the papers to phone for my ultrasound and blood work to check this bleeding thingy. Not sure how I can do it tomorrow without a cell and being at school all freaking night.
We were going to head for a backpacking trip this weekend, but with school, and Justin wanting a relaxing weekend, we decided against it. The mosquito forecast played a large part as well in not going. I feel bad I don't have time for Justin on his birthday weekend, but this whole summer seems like a bust for us.
Justin is getting too noisy listening to me type the mysterious blog. Should return my focus to the serial killer show now;)
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
5 weeks 3 days
Today I went to Dr. Nandi, the half-ass doctor downtown, in the sketchy mission medical clinic. They formally tested my pee, what little I could give, for a formal prognosis of pregnancy. I never thought I would allow this test, but after twice halfing bleeding, including last night, any confirmation of pregnancy was a relief. But it also freaked the hell out of me. I was terrified too.
Watched a ted talk on happiness from the one self, the experiencing self, and the other self, the recalling self. Would you go back and do a vacation based only on the experience, having amenesia and no photos? I wonder about the "trip" of pregnancy, not saying it has to top the radar. Also wondering about having kids, whether THIS is something that you experience as happiness, or if it is the promise of memories. I'm so embarassed to say it has mainly been the promise of memories, like I'm planning a freaking trip to Africa. How embarassing. But without knowing whether I will enjoy the experience, I can't say yet. I know I wanted the experience of being pregnant, as I desired the opportunity to indulge in yoga, sleep, healthy food, time with Justin.
In a similar vein, I'm really wanting to do yoga, even though the doc said to have bedrest. Unfortunately I won't follow that order, I will stay active, I know my body. Sex IS out of the question very, very sadly. Good thing Justin got hit in the nuts at soccer tonight.
Watched a ted talk on happiness from the one self, the experiencing self, and the other self, the recalling self. Would you go back and do a vacation based only on the experience, having amenesia and no photos? I wonder about the "trip" of pregnancy, not saying it has to top the radar. Also wondering about having kids, whether THIS is something that you experience as happiness, or if it is the promise of memories. I'm so embarassed to say it has mainly been the promise of memories, like I'm planning a freaking trip to Africa. How embarassing. But without knowing whether I will enjoy the experience, I can't say yet. I know I wanted the experience of being pregnant, as I desired the opportunity to indulge in yoga, sleep, healthy food, time with Justin.
In a similar vein, I'm really wanting to do yoga, even though the doc said to have bedrest. Unfortunately I won't follow that order, I will stay active, I know my body. Sex IS out of the question very, very sadly. Good thing Justin got hit in the nuts at soccer tonight.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Reprieve from worry and family
I thought before I left that my stress and worry was at an all-time high. But of course, spending time with my quality stress family proved me wrong. No, there were no dramatics, nothing happened of any consequence. But my impatience, my aggression and my hostility, to mention a few, were at the forefront of my trip "back home." To have all my weaknesses spread out like a buffet for my dad to pounce and chew on definitely dampened any worries about babies. And having my young niece around, screaming, upset to be with anyone other than mama or dada definitely turned worries of not being able to conceive a baby into worries of having to take care of this baby.
While it is dad's birthday today, I can't help but allow childish stubborn tendencies to cloud any gifts of birthday greetings from me to him. He is so disatisfied with me as his offspring, but I don't think he sees these feelings. His own 94-year old mother cannot express her feelings, instead commenting how "everyone looks so happy" then later "everyone is so happy, but then it wears off, it diminishes". She was utterly projecting her feelings onto the Sunday afternoon crowd at the local small town Coop! And to expect my dad to express himself!
For me to detach myself from my dad's own disastisfaction, I have to detach myself from my father being my father at all, and everything that entails. What does it mean to have a father? What projections do I still carry out because of his hopes and dreams thrust onto me? I know it is inconceivable, but I return home thankful to be away from my family, to be away from their complete attachment to me. To how they define themselves relative to me. I see they also wish to get away from this, and sometimes I think they like to blame me for moving far away as a convenient place to criticize me from, but I think they would hate for me to be there, close to them, never allowing them to grow past "mom" and "dad". So that is my gift to you today dad. I am not there, you are not even there, travelling to your far away workplace in the small town. i give you the freedom to be anything you would like to be, to grow into any potential energy form you wish. Not to have me limit your growth, not expecting you to be anything more than another spirit disguised as a human for this short time on Earth. I let go of you dad, fly away! Oh, and I did refrain from eating that pie mom made so you could devour it in whole over this week, didn't I?!
While it is dad's birthday today, I can't help but allow childish stubborn tendencies to cloud any gifts of birthday greetings from me to him. He is so disatisfied with me as his offspring, but I don't think he sees these feelings. His own 94-year old mother cannot express her feelings, instead commenting how "everyone looks so happy" then later "everyone is so happy, but then it wears off, it diminishes". She was utterly projecting her feelings onto the Sunday afternoon crowd at the local small town Coop! And to expect my dad to express himself!
For me to detach myself from my dad's own disastisfaction, I have to detach myself from my father being my father at all, and everything that entails. What does it mean to have a father? What projections do I still carry out because of his hopes and dreams thrust onto me? I know it is inconceivable, but I return home thankful to be away from my family, to be away from their complete attachment to me. To how they define themselves relative to me. I see they also wish to get away from this, and sometimes I think they like to blame me for moving far away as a convenient place to criticize me from, but I think they would hate for me to be there, close to them, never allowing them to grow past "mom" and "dad". So that is my gift to you today dad. I am not there, you are not even there, travelling to your far away workplace in the small town. i give you the freedom to be anything you would like to be, to grow into any potential energy form you wish. Not to have me limit your growth, not expecting you to be anything more than another spirit disguised as a human for this short time on Earth. I let go of you dad, fly away! Oh, and I did refrain from eating that pie mom made so you could devour it in whole over this week, didn't I?!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Livid
This morning there was blood, and I immediately went into a bit of shock. Am I having a miscarriage? Does it hurt? I was numb.
I didn't say anything until halfway to work and then I very abruptly and off-topic said "well, I'm worried that the blood this morning was not good. Not good at all."
There wasn't much J could do as we were riding bikes, which I think i wanted, as if he had hugged me, I might have started crying, and never made it in to work.
But now I don't know, but I no longer "feel" pregnant. It's like I convinced myself I was, and now I'm convinced I'm not. And while neither of these things are realistic, I was and maybe I still am, I think it stems from blaming myself for a possible loss. If I could cause everything from just thinking about it, that confirms to me that I am to blame for any loss. Huh?
Even though i immediately took the steps to accomodate a new life in my body, I feel now like I didn't do enough. I should have stopped everything risky at the start, before I knew. I should have this and that.
I just want to go home, test again, go pee, make sure there is no more blood, that it was "normal". I want a normal doctor, a regular walk-in clinic, I want to feel safe and in charge of my own health! I know I could handle this much better if I had the assurance of good doctors or midwives, etc. Going to the voodoo type walk ins downtown causes anxiety as I may as well being under an inquisition.
I didn't say anything until halfway to work and then I very abruptly and off-topic said "well, I'm worried that the blood this morning was not good. Not good at all."
There wasn't much J could do as we were riding bikes, which I think i wanted, as if he had hugged me, I might have started crying, and never made it in to work.
But now I don't know, but I no longer "feel" pregnant. It's like I convinced myself I was, and now I'm convinced I'm not. And while neither of these things are realistic, I was and maybe I still am, I think it stems from blaming myself for a possible loss. If I could cause everything from just thinking about it, that confirms to me that I am to blame for any loss. Huh?
Even though i immediately took the steps to accomodate a new life in my body, I feel now like I didn't do enough. I should have stopped everything risky at the start, before I knew. I should have this and that.
I just want to go home, test again, go pee, make sure there is no more blood, that it was "normal". I want a normal doctor, a regular walk-in clinic, I want to feel safe and in charge of my own health! I know I could handle this much better if I had the assurance of good doctors or midwives, etc. Going to the voodoo type walk ins downtown causes anxiety as I may as well being under an inquisition.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Worlds are Colliding
I'm sitting in front of my computer at work, and an email pops up in Outlook "FYI". I open it and see a thesis by Peter. Peter has been in the yoga class I teach for over a year.
I jump out of my chair and run around the office to my boss' office.
"Paaauul (with a high note in the middle), you know that I teach yoga to Peter?"
"Who's Peter?"
"The guy who wrote the thesis that you just sent me. I've been teaching him yoga twice a week for like a year! He's just a young guy, like, my age."
Kathryn, in the office getting coffee from their shared stash of "good" coffee, rolls her eyes and walks out.
"I don't see the relevance here."
"My worlds are colliding Paul! His thesis was from Environmental Design and I'm taking GIS for urban planning, and I work at the library in a similar field, but when I teach yoga, they only see me as the yoga teacher, always forgetting that I have some connection to what they do."
Long silence.
"I still don't see it."
"Don't you see my worlds are colliding? It's from Seinfeld, when George says his worlds-"
"Ah yes, I thought I'd heard that before" (laughing, but I think in memory of the Seinfeld). "I still don't see the significance here."
"Paul, it seems like I might have to find someone you're close to, someone you see on a regular basis each week, then I'll find something they've published, send it to you as it pertains to your job, and then you'll see."
Guffawing, "yes, I guess so. But really, did you read it? Do you think anyone really needs to be told that 'people go to places that they live close to?' He spent how long working on that?"
Silence on my end now. Staring. Mouth open. For an iota I felt I might get somewhere, might move somewhere, might be recognized for the important part of the web we all exist in. It had passed. To connect myself to Peter now meant less credibility.
"Okay, but you have no sense of empathy..." as I briskly walked away. I turned to go out the door and almost knocked over Kathryn.
"Ahhh!" I screamed, in a way as a joke, but also out of a compulsion to scream.
I jump out of my chair and run around the office to my boss' office.
"Paaauul (with a high note in the middle), you know that I teach yoga to Peter?"
"Who's Peter?"
"The guy who wrote the thesis that you just sent me. I've been teaching him yoga twice a week for like a year! He's just a young guy, like, my age."
Kathryn, in the office getting coffee from their shared stash of "good" coffee, rolls her eyes and walks out.
"I don't see the relevance here."
"My worlds are colliding Paul! His thesis was from Environmental Design and I'm taking GIS for urban planning, and I work at the library in a similar field, but when I teach yoga, they only see me as the yoga teacher, always forgetting that I have some connection to what they do."
Long silence.
"I still don't see it."
"Don't you see my worlds are colliding? It's from Seinfeld, when George says his worlds-"
"Ah yes, I thought I'd heard that before" (laughing, but I think in memory of the Seinfeld). "I still don't see the significance here."
"Paul, it seems like I might have to find someone you're close to, someone you see on a regular basis each week, then I'll find something they've published, send it to you as it pertains to your job, and then you'll see."
Guffawing, "yes, I guess so. But really, did you read it? Do you think anyone really needs to be told that 'people go to places that they live close to?' He spent how long working on that?"
Silence on my end now. Staring. Mouth open. For an iota I felt I might get somewhere, might move somewhere, might be recognized for the important part of the web we all exist in. It had passed. To connect myself to Peter now meant less credibility.
"Okay, but you have no sense of empathy..." as I briskly walked away. I turned to go out the door and almost knocked over Kathryn.
"Ahhh!" I screamed, in a way as a joke, but also out of a compulsion to scream.
Monday, June 7, 2010
13
Well of course, today is 13, explaining the absolute crap feeling I have today.
I'm so stressed about my courses at SAIT that I'm taking it out on J, and I feel awful for that. I have to remind myself why I'm taking these courses, and it's hard to drop out when I've told everyone what I'm doing. I want to do it, but the teaching and format is really excruciating for me.
I haven't been able to keep my stress levels low...buying a car causes pressure to build to take on all thes yoga classes, but the compelling feeling I should take them in case I need a sub! So tonight I'm teaching 2 in a row again, and I've been freaking out about it after the last time. It's just too hot, it makes my organs feel cooked.
I have kept up jogging, but not the little stuff, like stretching, reading, getting to bed on time, and most importantly, our diet is shit. I just have no appetite for anything, so by the time I feel hungry, we're in a situation that makes it seemingly impossible to cook a healthy meal (too late, stores busy, and of course, fridge broken as of lately!).
I think I should recommit to living stress-free, but today i feel hopeless and just want the day to be over. At least I scheduled a date with a (reliable) friend for this week when J is gone. I had 2 friends completely ditch me lately so I'm happy to see this old friend again, who I've always been able to depend on!
I'm so stressed about my courses at SAIT that I'm taking it out on J, and I feel awful for that. I have to remind myself why I'm taking these courses, and it's hard to drop out when I've told everyone what I'm doing. I want to do it, but the teaching and format is really excruciating for me.
I haven't been able to keep my stress levels low...buying a car causes pressure to build to take on all thes yoga classes, but the compelling feeling I should take them in case I need a sub! So tonight I'm teaching 2 in a row again, and I've been freaking out about it after the last time. It's just too hot, it makes my organs feel cooked.
I have kept up jogging, but not the little stuff, like stretching, reading, getting to bed on time, and most importantly, our diet is shit. I just have no appetite for anything, so by the time I feel hungry, we're in a situation that makes it seemingly impossible to cook a healthy meal (too late, stores busy, and of course, fridge broken as of lately!).
I think I should recommit to living stress-free, but today i feel hopeless and just want the day to be over. At least I scheduled a date with a (reliable) friend for this week when J is gone. I had 2 friends completely ditch me lately so I'm happy to see this old friend again, who I've always been able to depend on!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Day 3 Continue to unravel!
I shouldn't exaggerate, but today actually started as yesterday ended ah!
I wake up to the alarm and then I guess I wasn't wanting to deal with life. I slept until 20 to 8:00. But without a shower or brekkie, I made it just after 8 and it was a great thing! We had an assignment that I finished with just enough time to literally sprint to the train and teach yoga. Which also went great. So pretty much everything could have sucked, but I loved today! Even after I took the wrong train and had to walk in the downpour back 5 blocks ah! Crazy.
So no jogging, but it was downpouring. Yoga, yes. 45 minutes, interrupted about 5 times by a friend, J's mom, J in Victoria, dinner, laundry, etc. But I did it. Then I cleaned up the place for J's return. It's late, I'm relaxed, feeling good ...but tired!
I wake up to the alarm and then I guess I wasn't wanting to deal with life. I slept until 20 to 8:00. But without a shower or brekkie, I made it just after 8 and it was a great thing! We had an assignment that I finished with just enough time to literally sprint to the train and teach yoga. Which also went great. So pretty much everything could have sucked, but I loved today! Even after I took the wrong train and had to walk in the downpour back 5 blocks ah! Crazy.
So no jogging, but it was downpouring. Yoga, yes. 45 minutes, interrupted about 5 times by a friend, J's mom, J in Victoria, dinner, laundry, etc. But I did it. Then I cleaned up the place for J's return. It's late, I'm relaxed, feeling good ...but tired!
Day 2 Life unravels
I can't believe the trauma of yesterday. I promised all these "stress-free" activities, but I guess I was a day late. There was this thing with the neighbours. My mistake was going to the cops, when I should have made the original witnesses. Mistake Two was giving the chick a heads up about the cops contacting her. Apparently that constitutes harassment, in the words of her father, to our Property Manager. So after a breakdown, I called my support circle, J's mom, my mom, Jeff....I guess I handled it well, calling everyone. My mom just kept talking to me until I was happy, so I'm very grateful to her right now.
Did I jog for 15 and yoga for 15? Yep! I jogged at lunch, so no worries there. It started raining at the end, but I felt great, work was great, really happy. Yoga went well too, although I was interrupted, but I got my 15 in.
So my solution is to keep up the practise, no matter the trauma that occurs. I can't let traumatic neighbour crap knock me off the gameplan. Glad I made the commitment.
Did I jog for 15 and yoga for 15? Yep! I jogged at lunch, so no worries there. It started raining at the end, but I felt great, work was great, really happy. Yoga went well too, although I was interrupted, but I got my 15 in.
So my solution is to keep up the practise, no matter the trauma that occurs. I can't let traumatic neighbour crap knock me off the gameplan. Glad I made the commitment.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Day 1
I'm excited for the next week.
I want to make all the efforts I can to reduce stress and stay relaxed.
Some of these efforts:
Everyday:
1. Water my garden, at least once a day.
2. Go for a light jog, at least 15 minutes, walk home if need be!
3. Do at least 15 minutes of yoga.
4. Drink more water, one glass before morning coffee, one in the afternoon, and one before bed at least.
5. Stop saying yes to going away, doing things, volunteering. Life is busy, take time to be with Justin.
6. Tell Justin I love him, and show him I love him in little, special ways. Instead of spreading myself so thin so that Justin comes last, I want to spend time putting him first. I love him, he is gone to the West Coast right now, and I miss him. Time apart makes me realize how valuable he is, just walking down the street with him makes me happy and I want him to know that.
I want to make all the efforts I can to reduce stress and stay relaxed.
Some of these efforts:
Everyday:
1. Water my garden, at least once a day.
2. Go for a light jog, at least 15 minutes, walk home if need be!
3. Do at least 15 minutes of yoga.
4. Drink more water, one glass before morning coffee, one in the afternoon, and one before bed at least.
5. Stop saying yes to going away, doing things, volunteering. Life is busy, take time to be with Justin.
6. Tell Justin I love him, and show him I love him in little, special ways. Instead of spreading myself so thin so that Justin comes last, I want to spend time putting him first. I love him, he is gone to the West Coast right now, and I miss him. Time apart makes me realize how valuable he is, just walking down the street with him makes me happy and I want him to know that.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Freaked out
I'm sorta freaking out tonight...a few things "wrong":
1. I was ready to quit teaching yoga on Sundays...after evaluating the identity I would like to have, and the values, priorities, ethics that go along with that, it seemed against this identity to decide to leave my "family" (consisting of seulement un) to go work on the weekend.
However, upon a message asking me to teach another day of the week, I got in a discussion about quitting Sundays. It turns out, after a couple of factors were unfolded (I will get help at reception, and I will be accompanied by a lovely teacher at the same time doing another class), I realized that I love teaching Sundays. Ah! I love the industrial studio on Sundays, next to McD's and Tim Horton's and hotels. I love getting a mocha with no lineups and slowly seeing the lovely students file in all groggy for a sunday stretch. Who knew?
Okay, all the above sounds good, but what of my identity, and why does this freak me out? Well, it means I said YES to another teaching gig on Monday nights, and I'm still doing Sundays. Am I greedy? What gives? I guess after realizing I can't give up Sundays, maybe I ought to give Mondays and crazy hot yoga in the evenings a try as well. Maybe I will grow to love it as well. Maybe not, but I'm scared of 50+ people waiting on me for Action Jackson 8pm on Monday nights.
2. After googling my name + yoga I found my anonymous blog (uh, this blog). I thought I was hidden away, but nope, there I was. I can't have crap I write easily accessible by family, friends, employers. Who writes personal thoughts and shares them? WTH? So I removed easily identifiable things like my name, photo, etc. But it seriously freaked me out. But why would anyone be so narcisistic as to actually google me? No wait, I'm narcissistic I think, to think that, right?
3. I'm scared I can't have a baby. Then I'm scared I can, but it's not the right time, especially when I'm committing to more yoga work and considering seriously (for the 5th time seriously, all other 4 considerations must have been not-serious?) buying a stupid car. I hate buying things, especially things that just take money and don't appreciate (well, I've never bought something that appreciates either, but if I had the choice...). No, I hate spending money. I'm so stubborn about using commonsense...I wish I was more naive, the world depends and loves naivete, it thrives on it, and they are HAPPIER! BOOOO!
4. I had bad dreams last night about friends from high school confessing that I was as psychotic as I remember being in high school, and how I hurt them, and how they hate me now. This might be from one friend not responding to my emails lately...or just the fact that I realize I'm psycho but it hurts to know that others know...either way, I've felt crazy and bad all day. Wish it was so easy to "forget it" or "move on"....see above for why I can't.
5. That's it, all my worries, in the blog, and like some magic spell, I'll hit "post" and it will all melt away...or why else would we blog at all? (back to number 3, part about narcisism, and no, I won't mispell it consistently).
1. I was ready to quit teaching yoga on Sundays...after evaluating the identity I would like to have, and the values, priorities, ethics that go along with that, it seemed against this identity to decide to leave my "family" (consisting of seulement un) to go work on the weekend.
However, upon a message asking me to teach another day of the week, I got in a discussion about quitting Sundays. It turns out, after a couple of factors were unfolded (I will get help at reception, and I will be accompanied by a lovely teacher at the same time doing another class), I realized that I love teaching Sundays. Ah! I love the industrial studio on Sundays, next to McD's and Tim Horton's and hotels. I love getting a mocha with no lineups and slowly seeing the lovely students file in all groggy for a sunday stretch. Who knew?
Okay, all the above sounds good, but what of my identity, and why does this freak me out? Well, it means I said YES to another teaching gig on Monday nights, and I'm still doing Sundays. Am I greedy? What gives? I guess after realizing I can't give up Sundays, maybe I ought to give Mondays and crazy hot yoga in the evenings a try as well. Maybe I will grow to love it as well. Maybe not, but I'm scared of 50+ people waiting on me for Action Jackson 8pm on Monday nights.
2. After googling my name + yoga I found my anonymous blog (uh, this blog). I thought I was hidden away, but nope, there I was. I can't have crap I write easily accessible by family, friends, employers. Who writes personal thoughts and shares them? WTH? So I removed easily identifiable things like my name, photo, etc. But it seriously freaked me out. But why would anyone be so narcisistic as to actually google me? No wait, I'm narcissistic I think, to think that, right?
3. I'm scared I can't have a baby. Then I'm scared I can, but it's not the right time, especially when I'm committing to more yoga work and considering seriously (for the 5th time seriously, all other 4 considerations must have been not-serious?) buying a stupid car. I hate buying things, especially things that just take money and don't appreciate (well, I've never bought something that appreciates either, but if I had the choice...). No, I hate spending money. I'm so stubborn about using commonsense...I wish I was more naive, the world depends and loves naivete, it thrives on it, and they are HAPPIER! BOOOO!
4. I had bad dreams last night about friends from high school confessing that I was as psychotic as I remember being in high school, and how I hurt them, and how they hate me now. This might be from one friend not responding to my emails lately...or just the fact that I realize I'm psycho but it hurts to know that others know...either way, I've felt crazy and bad all day. Wish it was so easy to "forget it" or "move on"....see above for why I can't.
5. That's it, all my worries, in the blog, and like some magic spell, I'll hit "post" and it will all melt away...or why else would we blog at all? (back to number 3, part about narcisism, and no, I won't mispell it consistently).
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Dear Friend
When I first met you, it was in a geography class, and I remember this cute, intelligent looking girl sitting alone on the other side of the room. "Note to self," I said mentally, this class involves group work, and I'm going to get that smart girl on my team.
Then came the day of picking teams. I saw the choices, and knowing that a project with Parks Canada might one day lead to a job with Parks Canada (well, that never actualized, but you can't blame me for trying), I decided to shout out "I'm doing Lake O'Hara! I'm doing Lake O'Hara" in the way a child might say "Called it!"
To my surprise, the brown-haired, quiet girl also jabbed the air with a "I will too!" Okay, so maybe this dramatized, but I felt it happen like this!
And that brought us to a strange group of Smarty, WannabeSmarty(me), Slacker and Enthusiastic (I'll let you arrange the titles to the people).
I realized quickly that Stephanie was not shy as much as she was serious, and she immediately took on the hard and difficult tasks of our project, the parts that were far from glamourous. This had the effect of the rest of us sort of slacking off. But the best part of this was when Stephanie made a mistake and got reamed out by the professor on behalf of us. She left the room immediately, and I followed, realizing she might be upset. I found her in the bathroom, looking like the cutest darned girl I've ever seen, big tears coming down! You can't help but hug Stephy, it is so rare that you meet someone who is completely sincere and truly is empathetic to a cause.
Well, we resolved our project and took a break to hit up the Lake O'Hara region in the fall, Stephanie trekking in some chili for the trip, which we never ate. I remember trying to impress her with all my tracks knowledge, which is none. Then we all decided to leave and go to the hot springs instead of spending the night, and it was here that Stephanie finally learned what a goof I am. I tried squeezing into a bathing suit meant for someone much, much smaller than I. I got stuck, and had to get her help (I didn't really need help, I just wanted an audience for my ridiculousness). She helped me get a new suit, that was appropriate for my size.
After that, I had the pleasure of stopping in to see Steph and Roger whenever I could, dropping by their apartment at the most random times, and I was always a welcome guest. i remember Steph giving me strawberries from Planet Organic, and afterwards, I never bought another strawberry covered in pesticides again. She had convinced me with her sincere sales pitch ("they were only $3!" along with putting them in a cutesy little bowl).
It was extremely sad when Steph and Rog decided to move back to Ontario, but knowing how much they enjoy the things we like as well (outdoors, biking and walking, yoga, organic discounted strawberries, family), it was no surprise either.
While I can't be there for the wedding, I feel like I know Steph and Roger enough to know that they will be so happy with this commitment, I always felt like Justin was Steph and I was Roger when I would hear Steph talk about their relationship! I don't have a lot of "old college buddies", but the ones like Steph that I do have, I know I will stay in touch with and hope to go on an adventure or two with along the road again, this time in a well-fitting bathing suit! And I'll eat that chili next time too!
Then came the day of picking teams. I saw the choices, and knowing that a project with Parks Canada might one day lead to a job with Parks Canada (well, that never actualized, but you can't blame me for trying), I decided to shout out "I'm doing Lake O'Hara! I'm doing Lake O'Hara" in the way a child might say "Called it!"
To my surprise, the brown-haired, quiet girl also jabbed the air with a "I will too!" Okay, so maybe this dramatized, but I felt it happen like this!
And that brought us to a strange group of Smarty, WannabeSmarty(me), Slacker and Enthusiastic (I'll let you arrange the titles to the people).
I realized quickly that Stephanie was not shy as much as she was serious, and she immediately took on the hard and difficult tasks of our project, the parts that were far from glamourous. This had the effect of the rest of us sort of slacking off. But the best part of this was when Stephanie made a mistake and got reamed out by the professor on behalf of us. She left the room immediately, and I followed, realizing she might be upset. I found her in the bathroom, looking like the cutest darned girl I've ever seen, big tears coming down! You can't help but hug Stephy, it is so rare that you meet someone who is completely sincere and truly is empathetic to a cause.
Well, we resolved our project and took a break to hit up the Lake O'Hara region in the fall, Stephanie trekking in some chili for the trip, which we never ate. I remember trying to impress her with all my tracks knowledge, which is none. Then we all decided to leave and go to the hot springs instead of spending the night, and it was here that Stephanie finally learned what a goof I am. I tried squeezing into a bathing suit meant for someone much, much smaller than I. I got stuck, and had to get her help (I didn't really need help, I just wanted an audience for my ridiculousness). She helped me get a new suit, that was appropriate for my size.
After that, I had the pleasure of stopping in to see Steph and Roger whenever I could, dropping by their apartment at the most random times, and I was always a welcome guest. i remember Steph giving me strawberries from Planet Organic, and afterwards, I never bought another strawberry covered in pesticides again. She had convinced me with her sincere sales pitch ("they were only $3!" along with putting them in a cutesy little bowl).
It was extremely sad when Steph and Rog decided to move back to Ontario, but knowing how much they enjoy the things we like as well (outdoors, biking and walking, yoga, organic discounted strawberries, family), it was no surprise either.
While I can't be there for the wedding, I feel like I know Steph and Roger enough to know that they will be so happy with this commitment, I always felt like Justin was Steph and I was Roger when I would hear Steph talk about their relationship! I don't have a lot of "old college buddies", but the ones like Steph that I do have, I know I will stay in touch with and hope to go on an adventure or two with along the road again, this time in a well-fitting bathing suit! And I'll eat that chili next time too!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Are you stressed out?
I keep getting this question, and it makes me ponder whether I am.
I'm not stressed out, but it's hard to tell people that I just really, really, detest my job. Feeling absolutely useless might lend the appearance of being stressed, but that's an easy out as opposed to telling people the truth.
It's hard to stay in a job you hate, when there are other jobs out there, but it isn't a good time to leave.
I suppose I could rearrange my life, the yoga, the part time luxuries, the classes, the location, the proximity to my dahling J. It's not difficult, just hard to weigh as heavier than my current situation, which is appearing stressed out, but really just feeling useless.
onward...
I'm not stressed out, but it's hard to tell people that I just really, really, detest my job. Feeling absolutely useless might lend the appearance of being stressed, but that's an easy out as opposed to telling people the truth.
It's hard to stay in a job you hate, when there are other jobs out there, but it isn't a good time to leave.
I suppose I could rearrange my life, the yoga, the part time luxuries, the classes, the location, the proximity to my dahling J. It's not difficult, just hard to weigh as heavier than my current situation, which is appearing stressed out, but really just feeling useless.
onward...
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
keeps me searching
i love sleeping in with J, even for 5 minutes. falling back asleep next to the person you love is too easy...so safe, warm, secure there beside him. sometimes i do a child's pose with my bum on my heels, head on the mattress, thinking blood to my head will help wake me up. It doesn't. I fall asleep like that.
He gets up to revive me with the smell of toast (i have told him that smell always makes me want to get up)...even that is hard, but i follow him out there, shuffling in my mocassins. He says i'm so cute when i'm tired and comes to hug me like i'm a child. i try to keep walking, so we do a walking hug, him giggling at me, me trying not to laugh.
then i complain that there is too much pb on my pb and banana. So he takes what i scrape off.
by the time i'm "awake" i'm usuallyl complaining about other things, but he thinks it is cute. That makes me smile and i lower my head so he can't see. but he knows.
He gets up to revive me with the smell of toast (i have told him that smell always makes me want to get up)...even that is hard, but i follow him out there, shuffling in my mocassins. He says i'm so cute when i'm tired and comes to hug me like i'm a child. i try to keep walking, so we do a walking hug, him giggling at me, me trying not to laugh.
then i complain that there is too much pb on my pb and banana. So he takes what i scrape off.
by the time i'm "awake" i'm usuallyl complaining about other things, but he thinks it is cute. That makes me smile and i lower my head so he can't see. but he knows.
Monday, April 5, 2010
The world post-coffee
So much better.
J's mom came in this weekend, dropped off the sis, then made her way to BC for some hot springing and lovin! However, our weekend became strange after we gave our dear cats away to a loving family with a 5000 sq ft, beautiful, home in the NW. Upon return, we bawled our eyes out, and grudgingly went for dinner with RandSand and Sister. I felt everyone was drinking too much, it seemed crazy, but it actually did help with the grief to be drinking and laughing with family (mainly the laughing I think!).
Last night momma came back in, but it became an ugly event when I had to set the facts straight on hunting. I don't have a thing against hunters, I have a thing against hunting. If we discuss hunting, I gots to be honest, hunters, well, that's there beef, I ain't no angel either. Again too much drinking, this time it seemed one-sided, not sure why momma's got to drink so much. It doesn't seem like a Good Time to me, seems juvenile, and selfish in the wrong way (unlike going for a walk to unwind alone, which seems like selfishness in the best way).
Ilove you J. I don't know how to express this sometimes. Words lose meaning. Even pinning it down to this or that seems shallow. I cannot describe sometimes the reason I love you, but I think a lot of it is having a best friend. But again, describing that is hard as well. Friendship. Love. Friends. Lovers. What does this mean to me?
Work is horrible today, the coffee made it better. I want out of here, I spend too long looking at other lives thinking they are better. They are not. I feel useless, no one can help me with that. Anyways, I look forward to my jog at lunch, as time without windows is time on standstill.
J's mom came in this weekend, dropped off the sis, then made her way to BC for some hot springing and lovin! However, our weekend became strange after we gave our dear cats away to a loving family with a 5000 sq ft, beautiful, home in the NW. Upon return, we bawled our eyes out, and grudgingly went for dinner with RandSand and Sister. I felt everyone was drinking too much, it seemed crazy, but it actually did help with the grief to be drinking and laughing with family (mainly the laughing I think!).
Last night momma came back in, but it became an ugly event when I had to set the facts straight on hunting. I don't have a thing against hunters, I have a thing against hunting. If we discuss hunting, I gots to be honest, hunters, well, that's there beef, I ain't no angel either. Again too much drinking, this time it seemed one-sided, not sure why momma's got to drink so much. It doesn't seem like a Good Time to me, seems juvenile, and selfish in the wrong way (unlike going for a walk to unwind alone, which seems like selfishness in the best way).
Ilove you J. I don't know how to express this sometimes. Words lose meaning. Even pinning it down to this or that seems shallow. I cannot describe sometimes the reason I love you, but I think a lot of it is having a best friend. But again, describing that is hard as well. Friendship. Love. Friends. Lovers. What does this mean to me?
Work is horrible today, the coffee made it better. I want out of here, I spend too long looking at other lives thinking they are better. They are not. I feel useless, no one can help me with that. Anyways, I look forward to my jog at lunch, as time without windows is time on standstill.
cannot supress it
I cannot supress this desire to take care of some small person.
No fancy car, fancy house, or high rise condo seems to change this.
I want a small, helpless cuddly bundle of joy.
Is it another accessory, a cat or designer dog, to make me look chic?
Desires to be a mommy. To have a family. My own.
him for his silly boyhood dream of being a strong hero of citizens? Is he doing it for others, or for himself?
I cannot supress the urge, nor fill my life with stuff to overcome it. It is not a disease or disorder like every other urge in the world today, it is simply my life being driven by that animal inside. Prozac or vacations to Mexico...would those help me? Who is being suppressed, who is being compressed? Am I suppressing my own life for this other desire? Who am I fighting against? Who is trying to put me into a box of a life, where everything should neatly fit and be in order, this then that, then car then kid then retirement?
What can i do? I don't even like babies, or diapers or soft toys and Disney movies. But i want a child. I want to reproduce. What truest pursuit can I go after, yet this is mocked and seen as silly. I would rather play sports than dress a dolly, but yet this female person inside me knows more than that, she wants it, and I must answer that call.
Those who were called but could not deliver, for lack of money, health, who knows? What did they do? Did they carry on happily? Were they okay? I don't know.
No fancy car, fancy house, or high rise condo seems to change this.
I want a small, helpless cuddly bundle of joy.
Is it another accessory, a cat or designer dog, to make me look chic?
Desires to be a mommy. To have a family. My own.
him for his silly boyhood dream of being a strong hero of citizens? Is he doing it for others, or for himself?
I cannot supress the urge, nor fill my life with stuff to overcome it. It is not a disease or disorder like every other urge in the world today, it is simply my life being driven by that animal inside. Prozac or vacations to Mexico...would those help me? Who is being suppressed, who is being compressed? Am I suppressing my own life for this other desire? Who am I fighting against? Who is trying to put me into a box of a life, where everything should neatly fit and be in order, this then that, then car then kid then retirement?
What can i do? I don't even like babies, or diapers or soft toys and Disney movies. But i want a child. I want to reproduce. What truest pursuit can I go after, yet this is mocked and seen as silly. I would rather play sports than dress a dolly, but yet this female person inside me knows more than that, she wants it, and I must answer that call.
Those who were called but could not deliver, for lack of money, health, who knows? What did they do? Did they carry on happily? Were they okay? I don't know.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Impulsivity
In a heavy weighted world, I still feel my brain is detached.
It's flying out there on its own, my limbs are seeking after it.
The heat at night makes me feel insane,
I twitch and turn and I can't get comfortable.
I wake in the morning and feel dense air around me.
The only way to break through the thickness of this world is with a fire, with anger, with impulse.
The train was late, then full, so I waited. No one moved for me so i moved them.
My teeth are hurting. I am grinding down my molars while I stand on the train. And while I sleep.
I laid on the bed half dressed for work. Pressing out small tears like a child trying to get out of school. But I am trying to get out of life. I don't wanna go. I can't handle one more minute alone in front of a computer screen, in front of a blank, white wall, closed in to my little cage all day. Alone here. Awaiting the moment I can leave to grit my teeth home on the train, to go to sleep and grind down my molars in anxious dreams.
The world is too heavy today. And my fire is too low to fight back today. it's heavy, and dark, and pressing me down.
It's flying out there on its own, my limbs are seeking after it.
The heat at night makes me feel insane,
I twitch and turn and I can't get comfortable.
I wake in the morning and feel dense air around me.
The only way to break through the thickness of this world is with a fire, with anger, with impulse.
The train was late, then full, so I waited. No one moved for me so i moved them.
My teeth are hurting. I am grinding down my molars while I stand on the train. And while I sleep.
I laid on the bed half dressed for work. Pressing out small tears like a child trying to get out of school. But I am trying to get out of life. I don't wanna go. I can't handle one more minute alone in front of a computer screen, in front of a blank, white wall, closed in to my little cage all day. Alone here. Awaiting the moment I can leave to grit my teeth home on the train, to go to sleep and grind down my molars in anxious dreams.
The world is too heavy today. And my fire is too low to fight back today. it's heavy, and dark, and pressing me down.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Pull-Ups
I have started my quest to do pull-ups. Not for any particular reason.
After 2 sessions with Justin holding my legs and literally lifting me up and down, we have switched to a recommended schedule of doing 12 sets of ONE (!) with 45 seconds between "sets" (c'mon, you can't call one a set).
I am not particularly fond of this new Doing it all By Myself regime, but I couldn't stop giggling when people would walk through the park and see Justin grunting to lift me up and down, and literally, I wasn't even sore the next day because I didn't do anything. Pretty cute right?
Oh, we do them at the playground. This might help improve faster, as public embarassement is a good motivator. Sure we could get an indoor bar, and maybe we will in the fall, but to be honest, I like playing with my hubby at the playground woop woop.
So last night I think I did 10 sets of ONE. Yep. or one and a half, I don't get where to start counting, because I sort of jump to get up, hold then lower down. That didn't seem like enough so now I jump, hold, lower and go up once more. So maybe I did 12.
Either way, something was twitching in my forearm, seriously twitching. And I followed up with a healthy supper of cookies (at least I baked them myself) and popcorn with cinnamon and nutritional yeast. You can see I'm not really doing this for fitness' sake. just for fun?
After 2 sessions with Justin holding my legs and literally lifting me up and down, we have switched to a recommended schedule of doing 12 sets of ONE (!) with 45 seconds between "sets" (c'mon, you can't call one a set).
I am not particularly fond of this new Doing it all By Myself regime, but I couldn't stop giggling when people would walk through the park and see Justin grunting to lift me up and down, and literally, I wasn't even sore the next day because I didn't do anything. Pretty cute right?
Oh, we do them at the playground. This might help improve faster, as public embarassement is a good motivator. Sure we could get an indoor bar, and maybe we will in the fall, but to be honest, I like playing with my hubby at the playground woop woop.
So last night I think I did 10 sets of ONE. Yep. or one and a half, I don't get where to start counting, because I sort of jump to get up, hold then lower down. That didn't seem like enough so now I jump, hold, lower and go up once more. So maybe I did 12.
Either way, something was twitching in my forearm, seriously twitching. And I followed up with a healthy supper of cookies (at least I baked them myself) and popcorn with cinnamon and nutritional yeast. You can see I'm not really doing this for fitness' sake. just for fun?
Saturday, March 20, 2010
A new Place, a new Start?
Officially two late 20s couple is going to be moving from their very humble 1 bedroom apartment into the Hyatt of condos, at the end of July. This gives them approx 4 months (um, and counting!) to decide:
What goes
What stays
What is hideous
What is beautiful
What is affordable
What can wait
I can't think of any more categories, even if something is hideous, it might have to stay, while something that is beautiful might have to go (count of things I own that are beautiful is coming up to about 0).
We have a "flex" room, a very savvy marketing term to say that you could not afford a second bedroom (definition of a bedroom means that there is a window in that room) so you have this windowless, big-enough-for-a-bed but never going to be a true bedroom room. Hmm...the consensus out there is that one would never consider using this room for a wee one, but we are different. We go against this popular opinion, as well as the popular opinion that one should a. buy a house, b. buy a condo instead of a house because the house was too expensive and c. one must never raise a child in the inner city. So I'm having difficulties sharing the news of this place, (and when I say sharing,, I have to say it is more justifying or explaining, or backtracking) with most of our friendlies, because happen to be the popular opinion in most cases.
So amongst these categories (why waste any more time?).
GO:
Curtains I crappily hemmed, then added a craptacular draw to
the big ole nighstand/sock drawer that makes me feel like I'm drowning every night, it's looming presence standing over me
Cats???? Sid drives me nuts, but more so, I want a tranquil home, and I should have thought of this before, but I didn't, and I do love Fredcat. He is a child to us, we love him to death, but he was depressed when Garth died, then fat, then happy when we got Sid, but Sid is the problem. I am looking for a new home for them, but it would be so upsetting at times not to have a Fredcat drooling away on me after work, or purring me to better health when I'm sick or tired...but isnt' that what real children are for?
Broom...a new one would be good. What about the vacuum cleaner? Only one room has carpet, do we need UberVac for this one room? What about an area rug, how would be clean that without UberVac?
STAY:
the new and fabulous sectional couch from Urban Barn
the wedding gifted pots and pans from the aunts
plasma screen
Tree photos and 2 canvas photos Marian made from Justin's snapshots...I think J's should go in the flex room, and the trees in our entryway. And I would like to change these seasonally, at least once a year.
HIDEOUS:
The dresser Justin "restored" that belonged to his great granny. It's just so big!
The book shelf, an Ikea "original"
BEAUTIFUL:
Low storage options from a magazine cutout mom sent to me
AFFORDABLE:
Bar stools for the brek nook
New towels and such, girly girl things like this, so we can cash in wedding gifts from HBC
WAIT:
Babies...this is the saddest answer, i want a baby now, but there seems to be many expectations on us to wait so that future gramps and gran can come play at the new house. I give them one year.
A new kitchen table (can't decide if this should be a high, rectangular table, a high, bistro table, or a round boring low table, or anything at all frankly, which is why I say wait).
Furniture for said flex room...do we turn this into a bedroom, a transitional bedroom (hide-a-bed), or what?
A gorgeous coffee table
An extra chair
CAN'T DECIDE:
the current computer desk/Jackie's eating table
the old, broken down white piece of furniture Justin rescued from Eco
Craptacular kitchen stuff from the utensils, utensil holders, my mixmatched (well, on purpose) dishes, and every single crazy cooking tool we have accumulated (and love, we use them, but do we need them?)
Crock pot (that wasn't our purchase anyways)
The wittle IKEA stand our TV sits on...
What goes
What stays
What is hideous
What is beautiful
What is affordable
What can wait
I can't think of any more categories, even if something is hideous, it might have to stay, while something that is beautiful might have to go (count of things I own that are beautiful is coming up to about 0).
We have a "flex" room, a very savvy marketing term to say that you could not afford a second bedroom (definition of a bedroom means that there is a window in that room) so you have this windowless, big-enough-for-a-bed but never going to be a true bedroom room. Hmm...the consensus out there is that one would never consider using this room for a wee one, but we are different. We go against this popular opinion, as well as the popular opinion that one should a. buy a house, b. buy a condo instead of a house because the house was too expensive and c. one must never raise a child in the inner city. So I'm having difficulties sharing the news of this place, (and when I say sharing,, I have to say it is more justifying or explaining, or backtracking) with most of our friendlies, because happen to be the popular opinion in most cases.
So amongst these categories (why waste any more time?).
GO:
Curtains I crappily hemmed, then added a craptacular draw to
the big ole nighstand/sock drawer that makes me feel like I'm drowning every night, it's looming presence standing over me
Cats???? Sid drives me nuts, but more so, I want a tranquil home, and I should have thought of this before, but I didn't, and I do love Fredcat. He is a child to us, we love him to death, but he was depressed when Garth died, then fat, then happy when we got Sid, but Sid is the problem. I am looking for a new home for them, but it would be so upsetting at times not to have a Fredcat drooling away on me after work, or purring me to better health when I'm sick or tired...but isnt' that what real children are for?
Broom...a new one would be good. What about the vacuum cleaner? Only one room has carpet, do we need UberVac for this one room? What about an area rug, how would be clean that without UberVac?
STAY:
the new and fabulous sectional couch from Urban Barn
the wedding gifted pots and pans from the aunts
plasma screen
Tree photos and 2 canvas photos Marian made from Justin's snapshots...I think J's should go in the flex room, and the trees in our entryway. And I would like to change these seasonally, at least once a year.
HIDEOUS:
The dresser Justin "restored" that belonged to his great granny. It's just so big!
The book shelf, an Ikea "original"
BEAUTIFUL:
Low storage options from a magazine cutout mom sent to me
AFFORDABLE:
Bar stools for the brek nook
New towels and such, girly girl things like this, so we can cash in wedding gifts from HBC
WAIT:
Babies...this is the saddest answer, i want a baby now, but there seems to be many expectations on us to wait so that future gramps and gran can come play at the new house. I give them one year.
A new kitchen table (can't decide if this should be a high, rectangular table, a high, bistro table, or a round boring low table, or anything at all frankly, which is why I say wait).
Furniture for said flex room...do we turn this into a bedroom, a transitional bedroom (hide-a-bed), or what?
A gorgeous coffee table
An extra chair
CAN'T DECIDE:
the current computer desk/Jackie's eating table
the old, broken down white piece of furniture Justin rescued from Eco
Craptacular kitchen stuff from the utensils, utensil holders, my mixmatched (well, on purpose) dishes, and every single crazy cooking tool we have accumulated (and love, we use them, but do we need them?)
Crock pot (that wasn't our purchase anyways)
The wittle IKEA stand our TV sits on...
Sunday, January 10, 2010
$6 for my wedding ring
Six dollars....for my wedding ring,
People wonder, people cringe.
"It doesn't matter" is what they say,
But what they mean, is "not my way".
One day, I might want some bling,
But how does vanity, play into love?
Six dollars...it's from the mall,
It's light and wooden, in fact...there's no weight at all.
I'm not a queen, I need no treasures,
But I am rich, beyond measures.
My greatest pleasures,
Come from him, not a ring, not a rock.
Six dollars...it's so akward,
It's barely tangible, and it might break,
But things do break, things need fixing.
I hope my marriage, is like this ring,
Sometimes it needs work, it needs replacing.
People wonder, people cringe.
"It doesn't matter" is what they say,
But what they mean, is "not my way".
One day, I might want some bling,
But how does vanity, play into love?
Six dollars...it's from the mall,
It's light and wooden, in fact...there's no weight at all.
I'm not a queen, I need no treasures,
But I am rich, beyond measures.
My greatest pleasures,
Come from him, not a ring, not a rock.
Six dollars...it's so akward,
It's barely tangible, and it might break,
But things do break, things need fixing.
I hope my marriage, is like this ring,
Sometimes it needs work, it needs replacing.
Friday, January 8, 2010
10,000 years/hours of love to a task
Recently the topic of "expertise" has floated into my consciousness. Serendipitously, a yoga newsletter sent a quote my way today on this subject, coincidentally also a man I have recently been interested in -- Aristotle. "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."
On the way back from our most wonderful week of wedding festivities, I popped in some old hiphop music and the words "If you ain't got a skill or trade, shut the hell up" by Del came up. This got me musing whether I could develop a skill or trade, and then I got into the realm of how I might become an expert at that.
OF course, knowing the answers are always within me, on my lunch jog I started to contemplate pronation versus supination, the old running shoe dichotomy, and my mind related this to Paul Grilley's external/internal rotation of the femur dictating what we can or cannot do in yoga. Suddenly it occured to me, I might be an expert in jogging. With well over 10 years of experience, little to no ambition to make this a extrinsic achievement for myself (my racing days ended long ago seeing how it ruined the intrinsic value I felt), and loving jogging as though it could save my life, I realized I could say with full confidence that I am a jogging expert. Huh.
So if you want to learn to jog, and clearly I am not going to help anyone run a marathon, well, I'm one of the people who could help. And I do, I have a long-standing record of having each ex-boyfriend run a marathon, including my husband, but more in my style, he did a fun-run that was a half marathon distance. For this low-achieving, jogging girl, this was more acceptable:)
On the way back from our most wonderful week of wedding festivities, I popped in some old hiphop music and the words "If you ain't got a skill or trade, shut the hell up" by Del came up. This got me musing whether I could develop a skill or trade, and then I got into the realm of how I might become an expert at that.
OF course, knowing the answers are always within me, on my lunch jog I started to contemplate pronation versus supination, the old running shoe dichotomy, and my mind related this to Paul Grilley's external/internal rotation of the femur dictating what we can or cannot do in yoga. Suddenly it occured to me, I might be an expert in jogging. With well over 10 years of experience, little to no ambition to make this a extrinsic achievement for myself (my racing days ended long ago seeing how it ruined the intrinsic value I felt), and loving jogging as though it could save my life, I realized I could say with full confidence that I am a jogging expert. Huh.
So if you want to learn to jog, and clearly I am not going to help anyone run a marathon, well, I'm one of the people who could help. And I do, I have a long-standing record of having each ex-boyfriend run a marathon, including my husband, but more in my style, he did a fun-run that was a half marathon distance. For this low-achieving, jogging girl, this was more acceptable:)
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