Livid

This morning there was blood, and I immediately went into a bit of shock. Am I having a miscarriage? Does it hurt? I was numb.
I didn't say anything until halfway to work and then I very abruptly and off-topic said "well, I'm worried that the blood this morning was not good. Not good at all."

There wasn't much J could do as we were riding bikes, which I think i wanted, as if he had hugged me, I might have started crying, and never made it in to work.

But now I don't know, but I no longer "feel" pregnant. It's like I convinced myself I was, and now I'm convinced I'm not. And while neither of these things are realistic, I was and maybe I still am, I think it stems from blaming myself for a possible loss. If I could cause everything from just thinking about it, that confirms to me that I am to blame for any loss. Huh?

Even though i immediately took the steps to accomodate a new life in my body, I feel now like I didn't do enough. I should have stopped everything risky at the start, before I knew. I should have this and that.

I just want to go home, test again, go pee, make sure there is no more blood, that it was "normal". I want a normal doctor, a regular walk-in clinic, I want to feel safe and in charge of my own health! I know I could handle this much better if I had the assurance of good doctors or midwives, etc. Going to the voodoo type walk ins downtown causes anxiety as I may as well being under an inquisition.

Worlds are Colliding

I'm sitting in front of my computer at work, and an email pops up in Outlook "FYI". I open it and see a thesis by Peter. Peter has been in the yoga class I teach for over a year.

I jump out of my chair and run around the office to my boss' office.

"Paaauul (with a high note in the middle), you know that I teach yoga to Peter?"

"Who's Peter?"

"The guy who wrote the thesis that you just sent me. I've been teaching him yoga twice a week for like a year! He's just a young guy, like, my age."

Kathryn, in the office getting coffee from their shared stash of "good" coffee, rolls her eyes and walks out.

"I don't see the relevance here."

"My worlds are colliding Paul! His thesis was from Environmental Design and I'm taking GIS for urban planning, and I work at the library in a similar field, but when I teach yoga, they only see me as the yoga teacher, always forgetting that I have some connection to what they do."

Long silence.

"I still don't see it."

"Don't you see my worlds are colliding? It's from Seinfeld, when George says his worlds-"

"Ah yes, I thought I'd heard that before" (laughing, but I think in memory of the Seinfeld). "I still don't see the significance here."

"Paul, it seems like I might have to find someone you're close to, someone you see on a regular basis each week, then I'll find something they've published, send it to you as it pertains to your job, and then you'll see."

Guffawing, "yes, I guess so. But really, did you read it? Do you think anyone really needs to be told that 'people go to places that they live close to?' He spent how long working on that?"

Silence on my end now. Staring. Mouth open. For an iota I felt I might get somewhere, might move somewhere, might be recognized for the important part of the web we all exist in. It had passed. To connect myself to Peter now meant less credibility.

"Okay, but you have no sense of empathy..." as I briskly walked away. I turned to go out the door and almost knocked over Kathryn.

"Ahhh!" I screamed, in a way as a joke, but also out of a compulsion to scream.

13

Well of course, today is 13, explaining the absolute crap feeling I have today.
I'm so stressed about my courses at SAIT that I'm taking it out on J, and I feel awful for that. I have to remind myself why I'm taking these courses, and it's hard to drop out when I've told everyone what I'm doing. I want to do it, but the teaching and format is really excruciating for me.
I haven't been able to keep my stress levels low...buying a car causes pressure to build to take on all thes yoga classes, but the compelling feeling I should take them in case I need a sub! So tonight I'm teaching 2 in a row again, and I've been freaking out about it after the last time. It's just too hot, it makes my organs feel cooked.
I have kept up jogging, but not the little stuff, like stretching, reading, getting to bed on time, and most importantly, our diet is shit. I just have no appetite for anything, so by the time I feel hungry, we're in a situation that makes it seemingly impossible to cook a healthy meal (too late, stores busy, and of course, fridge broken as of lately!).

I think I should recommit to living stress-free, but today i feel hopeless and just want the day to be over. At least I scheduled a date with a (reliable) friend for this week when J is gone. I had 2 friends completely ditch me lately so I'm happy to see this old friend again, who I've always been able to depend on!