Stuck in the middle

After extensive reading on the subject, I've deemed having a baby to be ridiculous for people like me. if you are someone who enjoys the type of work involved with having a baby/infant, like repetitive, hands-on work, I think having a baby would satisfy the urge to procreate but also the feeling of doing some meaningful work. I don't mean to look down on those who like this type of work, for the other work, the abstract, ever-changing type of work that others prefer is no better in that it can be just as mundane, just as meaningless in the grand scheme of life.

For me, I can't handle the daily chores of cleaning, tying shoes, doing dishes and preparing food. I enjoy each of these things in moderation, but I feel bored and worthless doing too much of any of these tasks. Of course, we should consider the fact that this work is helping to raise another human, but that argument doesn't fly with me, as little as it does when you tell an employee that they are doing this or that to help the world function. It is the work itself, the physical work, of raising a baby that I am not sure I can handle.

So that brings me to the current occupation, and I am deeply unsatisfied here in this occupation. The only upside is the paycheck is brings, but I feel alone, purposeless and completely uninspired. I think the problem is that i love motherhood. I love taking on a project from the start, raising it, nurturing it, stressing over it, as much as a mother would fuss over her newborn. I am a natural mother in this way, but i am not so convinced that this mother would do well with a baby. Teenagers I'm excited about, but babies, not so much....

The reading I did on this said that mothers become virtual slaves to the child, and the rich, at every opportunity, get hired help to make up for the enormity of work a mother to a baby must do. So I have recently convinced myself that until I have the cash for a full time nanny (let's say 4 years to assume I would be better at the stuff once they've hit school), I'm convinced I can't have a baby.

the other problem is that, as a burgeoning mother, I want to be pregnant. I want not only the respect it brings, that wisdom assumed to a woman with belly, but I want to actually experience large breasts, freedom in an enlargening belly, and I want 10 months with an excuse to do little exercise. I am glamourizing the experience, but at least I am not glamorizing what follows the pregnancy, the exhausting work of a mom.

So I feel stuck in existential angst, that feeling of knowing too much about the decisions available, and not knowing which way to turn. i also realize that too much angst means I will delay a decision, perhaps until it is too late, though realistically I can't forsee myself waiting 12 year until trying.

Doing a lookover on this post makes me see how many times I used "I" in this post. I feel guilty using it, from some ridiculous talk we had at yoga training on avoiding it, and some book based on this. I (hehe) am not convinced "I" is a bad thing, but the perspective that I'm completely wrapped up in my own life is interesting. With perhaps only this one life to live, that shouldn't be a bad thing, but the religious among me are good at getting me to feel that guilt!